Help for Unstable Identity

[BreathingDeeply]

Our DD19 has borderline traits, the most prominent of which (currently) is unstable identity. She is painfully confused about her own likes and dislikes, thoughts, opinions, values, goals, etc. because they always seem to be changing and she can't keep up. This has been a problem in therapy but her therapist (DBT specialist for BPD) just calls her disengaged and non-collaborative. He thinks she is avoiding answering his questions (What do you want to talk about today? What are your goals for therapy?) when a long conversation between DD and me revealed that she is unable to sort out her thoughts and figure out what she should talk about and unable - not unwilling - to do the goal-setting homework. She has persevered through months of therapy despite not making any progress or having established any clear or concrete goals for the therapy but she has reached the end of her rope. She is desperate for help with figuring herself out and setting life goals. Her therapist doesn't seem to get it.

I have done lots of reading on BPD and DBT but I haven't come across any structured, focused intervention for helping someone with BPD learn about themselves and sort out their thoughts, opinions, goals, values, etc. and figure themselves out. Can anyone recommend any book or workbook or exercises we can use? Also, when she is ready to consider therapy again in the future, what sort of approach should we look for? What is the best intervention for unstable identity?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BreathingDeeply]

Here's an example that just came up. A couple of months ago DD received a job offer overseas starting in September. She's worked at this job for these people before and loved it, and had the added bonus of being close to some of our extended family she doesn't get to see very often otherwise, so she had been really excited about this opportunity. She just told me that she has lost her enthusiasm for the whole thing and doesn't really feel like going, and this is frustrating to her because she doesn't know when she should listen to her feelings and not do something she doesn't want to do or when she should not listen to her feelings and do it anyway. She doesn't know how she will feel about it a month from now or 6 months from now. She doesn't know how to make sense of what her thoughts and feelings are telling her. Suggestions, anyone?

[BreathingDeeply]

This is a little embarrassing, I feel like I'm talking to myself :-\  I've come across Mentalization Therapy, the aim of which is to help a BPD sufferer understand her own mind and the mind of others, although it seems like it's not a structured program like DBT but rather an approach that is incorporated into psychotherapy, although I might be wrong. Does anyone have personal experience with or knowledge of Mentalization Therapy?

[SammysMom]

I find my 14 yr old (almost 15) has a hard time with making decisions and sticking to them.
I also find that she changes what she likes and dislikes often.
As for the job oppurtunity, i can see why she is hesitant. I do not have BPD and the thought of moving that far from my home is frightening to me. It took me 4 yrs to decide to move to a small town with my family that is only 30 minutes away.

Perhaps get her to make a log of the things that she likes and dislikes every month and see if anything repeats itself?

[BreathingDeeply]

I find my 14 yr old (almost 15) has a hard time with making decisions and sticking to them.
I also find that she changes what she likes and dislikes often.
As for the job oppurtunity, i can see why she is hesitant. I do not have BPD and the thought of moving that far from my home is frightening to me. It took me 4 yrs to decide to move to a small town with my family that is only 30 minutes away.

Perhaps get her to make a log of the things that she likes and dislikes every month and see if anything repeats itself?

Thanks SammysMom for answering my echo
It's a matter of degree, like most things. All of her interests/values/goals/opinions/motivations etc. change, extremely, and in short spans of time. Everyone changes to some degree, but this is way at the extreme end of the spectrum. Nothing stays the same for long enough for her to actually know herself. If you've never seen this before it might not make sense, but I'm sure there are others here who are living with someone like this and have a better idea of what I'm describing.

Regarding the job overseas, it's not that she's hesitant. She's done this before, she knows what's involved and it's made her happy in the past. She has just lost her enthusiasm and just doesn't feel like it, which has her second guessing herself.

A log is actually a really good idea, thank you.

[Lollypop]

Hi there Breathing Deeply

Thank you so much for posting and I can't tell you how interesting I find it.

My BPDs is a slow developer and he's 26.  He's more like 22. He's only just understanding himself and his likes and dislikes. This takes confidence, experience of successes and failures and a wider living beyond the bubble you're in. At 19, he was desperate to travel but he always refused at the last minute. He'd then be full of regrets. He'd set himself an unrealistic target and then fail. Quite honestly, He did not start to develop until I stopped trying to fix him.

To understand ourselves (with our without BPD) we have to have experienced some life. Work is essential. To live independently successfully then we need to work. I wanted my son to have a university education, a career and a professional job. As it became clearer that this isn't possible my priorities for him reduced (note: my priorities!).  Now, I'm thankful he's found a way to earn money, doing work he's capable of, work he's comfortable with. It's only now that he has the skillset and experiences to understand what he wants to do next.

It sounds as if your daughter is very self aware and maybe the therapy has helped in this. I'm really glad to hear that she's in therapy but can understand your frustration.

I'm not the best person to comment on therapy as I've no experience. My BPDs26 has only recently decided to seek treatment.  I've been focussing on him getting the skillset to be able to live independently successfully. That's certainly something we all have in common.

LP

[BreathingDeeply]

Hi Lollypop,

Thank you so much for your reply! I've read it a few times and I've been thinking about it for a couple of days. You have reminded me of so many things I lost sight of:

She may be 19 chronologically but emotionally and in  terms of personal development, she is much younger. It's ok if it takes some time. She doesn't have to figure out her whole life right now and she doesn't have to do it on any predetermined timetable.

She's always had a job of some sort, even when she was in high school. She's currently working. That is valuable life experience right there, even if she just waiting tables or working as a cashier. And I know that she is always great to customers and she's a great employee (well, until she quits abruptly, but still).

You noticed that she is self-aware. Sometimes that's a painful thing, but always necessary for growth, and not something to be taken for granted.

And most important of all, I should never be more invested in her life than she is. I thought I had gotten to that Zen place of radical acceptance and that once there, I would stay there. But then DD asked me for help and before I knew it, I was staying up nights doing research and ordering Kindle books and... .just like in the old days when I thought if I just found her the right information or resource... .Thanks for snapping me out of that. It's no good for anybody.

[jhkbuzz]

She may be 19 chronologically but emotionally and in  terms of personal development, she is much younger.

www.borderline-personality-disorder.com/borderline-personality-disorder-research/schema-therapy-for-borderline-personality-disorder/

[BreathingDeeply]

www.borderline-personality-disorder.com/borderline-personality-disorder-research/schema-therapy-for-borderline-personality-disorder/

Thank you for this. I'll pass it on to DD.

[wendydarling]

"I have done lots of reading on BPD and DBT but I haven't come across any structured, focused intervention for helping someone with BPD learn about themselves and sort out their thoughts, opinions, goals, values, etc. and figure themselves out."

DBT, Schema and Metalisation, my 28DD is in DBT from my understanding the most structured and relevant for BPD. During DD's diagnosis 18mths ago the Head of mental health shared with her there will be an evaluation at the end of DBT and either schema or mentalisation or both may be offered forward. The waiting list for DBT was long, a year and they offered Schema - no waiting list, many took this opportunity, my DD hung out for DBT. Right choice for her.
 
My 28DD says she is committed to recover and attends DBT twice a week (9 months)- her experienced DBT therapist recognised her avoidance as is often the case, Queen of Avoidance - a good step forward for her to recognise in order to re-engage moving forwards. One step forwards, two back, one forward. DD is doing well with group skills lessons.

Learning all the way. Perhaps your DD may find Schema or Metalisation a more relevant treatment for her, has she spoken to you about these options?

WDx

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you for this. I'll pass it on to DD.

You're welcome. My ex had an unstable identity - it's very difficult to deal with. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders