Help my daughter is always lying.

[ElizabethL]

Lately my daughter and I are in a cycle of conflict due to her lying and risky behavior. Anytime I ask her where she's going she becomes evasive and combative with me. If I ask her about her time with friends, she says that I ask to many questions and calls me controlling. Here's the thing. I know she's not with friends due to her past behavior surrounding guys. Ive been assuming she's with a guys. Im not sure why she keeps her relationships from me considering my only request is that's she's truthful about her whereabouts for safety reasons. Last night she was involved in a hit and run accident with our car that we let her use. She stated that she was parked at her friend Ashley's house. We told her to file a police report so she did. When she got home I asked her where the car was parked and she told me at Ashley's grandma house on Merrimack street. We I said we should take a ride over to see if someone in the neighborhood saw anything of , or had any damage on their car, she freaked and went into a full blown panic attack. I attempt to talk to her today she pushes me away. She doesn't want us to get the police report. She went as far as to ask me to flirt with my mechanic so he would fix the car cheap. I'm so frustrated, Can someone give me advice on how to confront my BPD daughter lying?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi ElizabethL,



I can understand the frustration with being lied to, I don't have a child with BPD, I have an ex wife with BPD traits, there was a time where I'd catch her lying about something but I felt confused because she change things just enough that it could be possible and would have me doubt myself.

Probably one of the biggest tools that I learned here regarding confronting my exwife was JADE We used to get in fights and I felt terrible afterwards, it was just draining, I'd try to make a point with her or try to explain logic but that would escalate things. We're both at a loss, feelings are facts to a pwBPD, they live in the present without context from the past or the future. Feelings are followed by facts to you and I, regarding the car accident, you'd look at the facts and then you'd experience your feelings about those facts.

JADE stands for Justify Argue Defend Explain, the concept is pretty straight forward, don't JADE, I'll say things once, maybe twice and leave it at that. If my ex thinks that the sky is red, so be it, I know better then that, you know from past experience and how she acts will hint at the truth, I stopped JADE'ing and payed more attention to the hints with how my ex wife acts, I depersonalize it because she can't control the disorder, it's not personal to me, a person that alters reality often is a sign of mental illness, there's another member here that has a signature that I really like and it something like "reality is open to debate, emotions and feelings are real"

With feelings in mind, I'd suggest to valid your D with how she feels. I understand that we have our own feelings too and BPD is difficult, nobody's perfect but I'd look for support from the group here and get validation when you're frustrating with something about BPD. I think that she doesn't want you to see the police report because she's probably feeling embarrassed. What are your thoughts about that?

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)  

[tristesse]

Hi Elizabeth

I too have a daughter BPD, she is a grown adult now, 33 years old actually, but has many other issues and so she lives at home with me.
I more than understand what you are going through right now. The worst of it is, sometimes I think they believe the lies they are telling.
I agree with MUTT, never JADE. I have also learned never to react, respond, because response is necessary, but keep your reaction in check. Your daughter will look for that reaction, and she will behave according to how you react to her. Stay as aloof as you can, showing little to no sign as to how you feel about any situation.
As for the lying, listen to what she is telling you, pay close attention to her words and her body language. She will give herself away, and once that happens there will be no need for confrontation.
How old is your daughter?  Is she an adult or a teenager?
Pay close attention to her, if she is lying to you, there is a chance that something deeper is going on , and that may be the issue that really needs addressed.  On the other hand a BPD can quite manipulative, so watch the signs. as for the car, I would absolutely get the police report, with or without her knowledge. It is your car, she was merely the driver of that car. If it comes out she was someplace she wasn't supposed to be or doing something she wasn't supposed to do, then you can deal with that issue.
Good Luck and take care.

[ElizabethL]

Hi Tristesse and Mutt,

I've never heard of Jade. Thanks for explaining it, from what you describe, it seems that may be somewhat the cause of our conflict. However, Im not sure it's 100% the cause.
I've basically just started my BPD journey in regards to my 20 year old daughter. I feel like I have to retrain my whole thought process, while trying to deal with issues that arise.

So what is a parent to do when you are aware that your child is suffering from the symptoms of BPD, when it impacts you and your family life?

Due to her past behaviors, I feel like i'm about to fall of a cliff when I feel the need to confront her lies. For example, 8 months ago, prior to understanding that she is impacted by BPD. I attempted to confront her lies because she was saying things to my fiancee that simple weren't true. When I confronted her asking her to explain why she was saying, she ran away. Then she attempted to vilify me with him, and cut off contact with me for months with me.
After she left, I discovered was she was living a double life. On the surface, minus the anger outburst when she was confronted with something she said or did, she was every parents dream child. She excelled in school, she was excepted into every college she applied to. She held a job. Her double life was about her relationship with guys. I discovered that she was not being truthful about her relationship with a boy that she said she was friends with,  when in reality they were dating.The thing was that this boy was integrated within our family and I suspected that there was more to their relationship then she let on. I tried on multiple occasions to open the line of communication about her dating him, but she would always say that she wasn't ready for a relationship, she wanted to focus on school and herself.

While she was gone, I entered therapy for myself, because I had a hard time accepting the fact that she could do what she did to her family. My therapist helped me realize that my  daughter was suffering from BPD. I believe she ran away because she fears that I will not accept the side of her that she keeps secret.

She came back to our home in December,
Things for the most part seemed fine until about a month ago. Armed with my slight knowledge of BPD I am aware and able to recognize when things are not right with her.
I am aware that she is in a relationship right now, for a couple of reasons. 1 She is very defensive when she leaves, and won't tell me where her friends live. 2. Although, she has blocked me from her secret Facebook account, I am able to see it through my work Facebook account. So i see her posting pictures of the boy that she's in a relationship with, when she says she's at a friends house. 4. She won't keep in contact with me to let me know she's safe when she's with him.  5. She refuses to go on the pill, yet I have discovered the morning after pill on two separate occasions after she comes home from a so called sleepover with her girl friends. 

At the end of the day, I think its both normal and natural for her to be in a relationship. What I can't wrap my head around, is the fact that I never know for sure where she is, in the event of an emergency.

My thought at this point, is how to get her to tell me where she's actually going, so I can feel better knowing where she is. I've tried multiple ways to get her to tell me. Only to have her tell me that Im controlling and treating her like a baby. She also says she doesn't trust me, but can't tell me what I did wrong for her not to trust me. At the same time she keeps saying her life is a mess. When I point out the good things in her life, she says she may look good on the outside, but on the inside she's a mess.