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Author Topic: Sick and tired  (Read 383 times)
inchingforward

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3


« on: March 23, 2017, 09:04:52 AM »

Hi!  Just wanted to reach out because I'm sick and tired -- of my BPD sib's demands and self-involvement, and of my own weakness.  Why am I so afraid of the anger? 
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Naughty Nibbler
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2017, 12:23:20 PM »


Welcome Inchingforward:  
I'm sorry you are dealing with a BPD sister.  I have a similar situation, with an undiagnosed sister.  :)oes anyone else in the family have traits of a personality disorder?

My dad had BPD traits.  Although he was never physically abusive, he was angry and critical a lot, so I grew up being afraid of angry people as well.

This lesson on avoiding arguments can be helpful. JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) You might, also, gain some benefit from the quote below.

Quote from: from: How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 3 Crucial First Steps - by Britt Bolnick
1. Check your personal engine light.
Think about how you feel when you’re around someone who drains you and upsets you, someone with whom you feel you lose yourself. How does this feel in your body? How does it feel in your mind? How does the presence of this person affect you?

Now look at this list of feelings and sensations you’ve made, and imagine that your body is like a car, with a dashboard full of warning lights.  You’ve just identified what I like to call the “check engine light” for your personal boundary system. It’s a security system warning that your personal energy field has been breached, and you’re letting in stuff that isn’t yours.

This is really important. When our boundaries are weak, unguarded, or unclear, we let in all sorts of stuff that isn’t actually our stuff, and we give away our own personal energy unconsciously.

That means you’re dealing with a breach of your energetic security system and a leak of your own personal energy. You’re looking at warning signs indicating that some work needs to be done, some boundaries need to be shored up, and you need to return to center.

2. Ground yourself as preparation for maintaining boundaries.
Grounding is akin to the way a tree sinks her roots to stay secure in a storm. It’s the first tool in creating healthy boundaries—nurturing a connection with ourselves, our centers.

Our root system is both our anchor and our boundary system. It keeps us from being blown about in other people’s winds. It gives us a way to focus and still ourselves to connect with our heart and our intuition. That’s what keeps us steady and connected and focused.

There are as many ways to ground as there are people. I like to take five minutes to actually imagine my root system connecting me into the earth, like a giant oak tree. Here are some other ideas:   Meditation; breathing exercises; saying a prayer, affirmation, or mantra in the shower in the morning; mindfulness; chanting or repeating affirmations in your head as you walk.

Try different ways—you’ll find the one that works for you!

3. Notice the people and places that tend to drain you.
Before entering those places or exposing yourself to those people, take a few minutes to imagine breathing a bubble of protective energy around you. Think of it as a space that will only allow love and positivity inside it, deflecting anything else. Really see it and really feel the force of it around you. Then recognize what you need to do to maintain that space.

These three steps will help you create and maintain healthy boundaries. Building boundaries is like any muscle or practice—the more you work with it, the better it serves you!

SETTING  BOUNDARIES  will be helpful for you.  Boundaries are for your benefit and protection.  They are up to you to consistently enforce them.  You might set some boundaries for your benefit.

You can't change your sister. The only thing you can do is learn various communication skills that will make things easier for you and should tame some of your sister's responses.

Can you give some examples of unpleasant situations with your sister?  Maybe some possible boundaries to set?

We look forward to hearing more of you story.

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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2017, 12:06:38 AM »

No one likes to be the target of someone's anger.  If you've dealt with this a long time,  especially if you've taken on the role a peacekeeper, your feelings are understandable. 

What's going on specifically, and how can we help?
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
inchingforward

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2017, 09:29:32 AM »

Just hearing from you all is so helpful, but your specific suggestions are really important too. Boundary setting scares me but it's clearly needed, and it's good to get validation that it's a scary thing to do (scary in a way tht I feel in my body).  And JADE is good to know.

Honestly, it's at the point where I've gone a little irrationally paranoid -- afraid that if I write specifics here, my sister will see them and ream me out.  This is crazy for lots of reasons, including that since she doesn't even admit she has BPD, why would she be on here?

But at a general level, it's things like insisting that I agree with her 100% on everything, bossing me around, controlling terms of our relationship, making all conflict my fault (rewriting history)... ., getting angry in face of any limit-setting to togetherness... .

I love her, but this is hard.
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