An Oasis

[Lost in Desert]

An Oasis is the best way to describe my wife.  From a distance, it looks great, but once you get close enough to see, taste, hear and learn, you realize quickly something is off.  I am 43, my wife is 39.

So let me start off by sharing our story.  Boy meets girl, boy thinks girl is beautiful, friendship sparks, lead to romance and romance leads to marriage.  I have been married for just about 4 years.

We have a 2 1/2 year old boy. 

When I met her, I felt she was beautiful, unique, friendly, funny, charismatic, you name it I thought she was the greatest thing since BREAD!  I love her dearly.  She was a bartender, I ended up managing the bar she worked at.  She also works as a barber.  I think she enjoys these professions due to the fact, men throw her compliments all day and this somehow satisfies and element of herself.  At first, we were friendly, shared many laughs, but one thing is clear.  I was the one putting forth the biggest effort.  I can count on my two hands how many times I have received a massage, she had received hundreds.  I fell partly due to her stories of abuse she had endured her whole life at the hands of her own mother and step father.

So lets fast forward.  She was renting a room from a mans house, who would eventually have feelings for her who only admitted them once he learned she was moving with me.  I decided to move to FL, to help distance her from her mom.  But once we got to FL, she became distant, not interested in the company of others, even though we had a pool and plenty of friends coming over, etc.  That was September 2013.  I ended up landing a very good job, she was working part time as a hair stylist.  By Jan. 2014 she was pregnant, even though we were trying to NOT have a child early on.  This is when the emotional abuse began.  She would often tell me, I should have not married her, she has problems.  Or, this marriage was a mistake, or how she wanted to move back to NY.  There was no "honeymoon stage", meaning, our intimacy was not that there.  So hearing these things, at first I brushed them off for her being far from home and learning a new area.  Over time, she enjoyed Florida, but once news of the baby came, she wanted to move back to NY to be near her Grandparents who are very important to her.  I was against this, but in the end, I bent the knee to this decision.

We moved back to NY in June 2014 and our son was born October 2014.  During this time, I feel our situation was nice, we were loving, but again, certain words were being said to me that was pushing me further and further away from her, emotionally, physically, etc. 

Our son was born, we were living in a 1 bedroom apartment, she did not want the baby disturbing her sleep, so she made me put the crib in our kitchen, this is where our son had slept his infant year.  I am ashamed I could not convince her this was dumb, and most parents want the child near them, especially during sleep.  Not her. 

I was told I am lazy, I am told I am bi-polar, I am told I am not a good provider, I am told I am this and that.  It really has hurt me emotionally to keep taking this all.

her mother warned me, that a few years earlier, my wife had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital for an entire summer, she said she was diagnosed BPD.  To make a long story short, her mother is still married to the man who abused my wife as a child, from the age of 6 to about 14, when my wife left the home.  My wifes mother is an extreme narcissist.  My wife was left with strangers as a toddler, my wife was treated not like a loved one, but instead like a piece of furniture.  My wife can not remember one time her mother made her dinner, not one time in her youth.  Her mother often spent money on herself, but left my wife in the same articles of clothing for days on end.  She was in 9 different schools by the time she reached high school.  her mother looked at her daughter as if she had a permanent slave, not a child.  So my wife had to endure countless moments of neglect.  Her mom is a terrible person, does not ask about her grandson, cares little for anyone, does not have a relationship with any family members.  Has never offered to help my wife like most parents do with their grandchildren.  The cycle is based on her interactions with her mom.  She does not speak to her, she is nice, she speaks to her mom, for about a week, I feel the abuse is constant towards me.  Even though she claims she is the one walking on egg shells. I am up at 7am, walk dog for 30 minutes, come in get ready for work, and then I head out, return home at 530, walk dog until 6, spend next two hours with son, playing etc.  I put him to bed, every single night of his life 8 to 9.  I come out and wife sits with her earphones in watching shows on her tablet, I sit on chair watching tv.  this is my life.

She does not cook, she is very disorganized, very angry, does not know how to manage money, quick to anger, insulting, nothing is off the table when it comes to her weapons against me.  For example as a child, my mother left me on a park bench to have Child Services come pick me up, she throws that in my face.  I never bring up to her, the abuse, or anything hurtful towards her.  I put my life on hold several times to help my family face my younger brothers drug problem.

I work Monday thru Friday, she works Saturday and Sunday.  An example of the typical kind of abuse I take.  Saturday morning, I wake up, no sugar for coffee, I tell her I am heading across the street to get sugar, she says buy her a $4 bottle of artisan water, I said I do not want to spend money, I rather get sugar and that is it.  She begins to cuss me out infront of our son, F this, F that, I am an F'n ahole, etc.  As I am walking to the door, she is pounding on the window, giving me the bird.  When I get back, I ask is it really needed your anger first thing in the morning over a bottle of water?  No answer.  If I ask questions about finances, etc, I get the cold shoulder and typically no response or I get one word: Divorce.  I have been threatened with divorice, ailimony, child support, 2 visits a month with my child.  We have not gone to the point of getting lawyers to divorce.  I have spoken with lawyers, police and a counselor about this situation, all say it is bleak at best.  When someone is threatened with divorce or ridiculed over time, it wreaks havoc on ones psyche. 

Three weekend ago.  I came home that was just chaos.  Nothing was ready for me to eat, my son wanted to play, she had to get ready for work that is not due to begin until the following day.  So my son goes into the bedroom, I go into the kitchen, I am putting away dishes, she thinks I am slamming them, I am not, the cupboards are in such disarray when I open them dishes are falling out.  She comes and threatens me, I said, I am not slamming, I am upset cause you have no dinner, I just busted my ass at work, the house is disgusting mess.  I put dishes away, she comes back and says she is leaving, mind you it is 10 degrees out and she has nowhere to go, unless she has a secret man in her life.  So I step out, call the police.  I tell her, you are not going anywhere, police are on the way.  She calls them and says I am a violent person. So I hear this, I go outside and wait.  Police arrive, I begin to talk to them, she is fearful what I am saying is standing in the doorway with our son in freezing weather, I ask him to take her inside, he does.  He says, well sir, it does not spell well for her to report violence after your initial call, it looks like a retaliation call.  In front of the police she is disrespectful to me.  They have to ask her a few times to go back inside.  They said we do not recommend often, but it appears you may need to escape this woman.  Inside she said I was a drug user, etc.  I told them, my wife has place 4 restraining orders on men in her past, she is smart with the police, they saw right thru it.  In the end, the asked had she choked me, yes, had she struck me, yes.  Now she is angry cause I answered honestly, that she did infact put her hands on my choke with rage and tried to choke me.  if she were a man, god knows what would have happened.  She is not mad that she did it, she is mad cause I shared with the police.  the advised her entire past will come out in family court if she fights you.  She been arrested in past and kicked out the police cruisers windows.  She has a ton of anger.  She thinks her co-workers are jealous of her, she has terrible spending habits, extremely selfish.  In our four years together, I can count on one hand the items I have gotten, like pants, shoes, etc.  Her numbers is in the hundreds, second hand mostly, but she has an affinity for nice hair care products, artisan waters, makeup, clothes, hats, shoes, bronzer, etc.   But when I ask for say a new pair of shoes, the request goes empty.  She never tells me how much money she makes. 

I APOLOGIZE cause as I write this, I am breaking down in tears, it is literally destroying me.  I had her in counseling, but she hit a wall, when the counselor wanted to address the abuse with her mother directly.  So the counselor helped my wife write a letter to be read to her mom in the counselors office.  My wife could not, she has not gone back since.  it like Stockholm syndrome is best I can say about this weird mom-daughter relationship.  I tell her all the time, tell your mom forget me until you leave the man who sexually abused me.  She can not.  The conversations with her mom are troubling to the point, sometimes my wife gets off the phone and proclaims I am done with her, only to be on the phone with her in a week.  No visits, no gifts, no nothing from her mother. 

My wife leans on her grandparents who believe Jesus and the bible will help her.  It pissed me off.  She has championed them for her cause, I am the worst husband ever, but again, what is it that I am doing wrong?  She cannot answer.  Am I wrong to tell her to stop doing laundry the way she does, socks with shirts, towels, etc all washed together and thus dumped in a pile in our closet.  No effort. 

I need help.  I do not want to leave, for fear of my son.  Not that she is a terrible mom, but I stand at the door at times and listen to her lack of interaction with him, which causes him to get upset.  She also tends to watch a ton of TV shows while she is tending to him somehow.  He can not use utensils, nor potty trained. 

I am wandering the desert... .   slowly dying, I can also share an email I wrote to her, pouring out my heart!  Her response?  Nothing, when I pressed in two weeks, he response was F off, I do no respect an email.  I told her, if I try to talk to you, your anger takes over and you shut down.  She projects everything onto me.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Hi there, Lost.  All I can initially say is I am sorry.  We want to help them so much, take care of them, but in a way a lot of our coping methods to remove responsibility and conflict from them just enables it even more.  

my wife was treated not like a loved one, but instead like a piece of furniture.  My wife can not remember one time her mother made her dinner, not one time in her youth.  Her mother often spent money on herself, but left my wife in the same articles of clothing for days on end.  She was in 9 different schools by the time she reached high school.  her mother looked at her daughter as if she had a permanent slave, not a child.  So my wife had to endure countless moments of neglect.

Just for some perspective - This was me.  No overt sexual abuse, but I've since had to admit to "covert" sexual abuse   where my parents took no mind of my tender years for engaging me in conversations and topics and entertainment not suitable for people age 5.  Or 10.  Or any age at which they decided it was okay.  

But instead of clinging to them, I lucked out and managed to get away from them, and see them as toxic.  And overall, instead of developing my own BPD (both parents diagnosed - one bi-polar, the other manic depressed), I became super co-dependent.  Your description just hit me because I went to 9 schools, and also had no clean clothes until I took on washing them all myself.  I was the smelly, yucky girl who lived on pop tarts and pepsi and whatever I could cook in a microwave (it never occurred to me to cook real food for just myself).  Anyway, I am NC with both parents, much to my improvement.  So while the childhood neglect and abuse assisted in your W's current state, it's not the cause of all of it.  She may have some checmical predisposition to it as well.  

My BPD H and his siblings all seem to ahve weird anxiety/PD issues, but all 3 show them differently.  For a long time I thought his sister was the most put together person in the world - then I saw she was handling things by being so regimented with her time and scheduling that any deviation can set her off.  The little brother has lack of drive (H has this a little) and severe anger issues, and may have used drugs.  H has lots of emotional instability, else I'd not come here.

First off - physical abuse needs to be a no.  Take the child and go.  Just get out for a few hours at least.  Take the dog, too, if you can.  The first most important boundary I can think of to enforce is no longer accepting the abuse.  This si really hard, because by the time it's happening, you are usually in shock, and it's not just fight or flight - I believe there is a "freeze"  You get frozen in the "what the heck just happened?" confusion, and miss opportunities to more easily leave.  Once stuck, you end up engaging in the fight.  And the fight is not one you can "win".  The fight is her emotions are out of control, and she has to blame it on you, not herself.  Logic doesn't matter. Reasons don't matter.  Reality does not matter.  All that matters is her teapot has overflowed and she can. not. manage. her. own. emotions.  So she has to vent them all over the place on you, and anyhting you do to stop it, to reason with her about it, to defend against it all just make that teapot boil even more.  

So, go for a walk.  Go run an errand.  Make her deal with that anger alone.  Above all, don't absorb any more of it than you have to.  I try really hard to separate H's outbursts into - he has a right to be mad - and - this is BPD talking.  When I ahve actaully messed up, we can work through it, most of the time, and I can honestly fess up (hard recently) and we will work past it.  When he starts in about something I HAVE NOT DONE but he insists I did - like you "slamming" the cabinets (I've gotten this one, too), nothing I say or do will convince him I was NOT slamming cabinet doors, making a face at him, or sighing anger at him.  It's all about him in his head.  All motivations, all bad feelings, all things stem from him in his mind.  I can't be tired from just a long day at work and sigh.  No.  I am sighing to signal to him he needs to go to sleep.  This is how his mind works, so I try to ignore it, not react to it, and not to internalize it and allow it to hurt me.  And this is partly how your W's mind works.  It's all about her.  her needs.  Your reactions to her needs.  How if she feels unfulfilled because she is emotionally unstable, she needs to send that blame on the nearest person in the closest relationship with her - you.

At a calm time, think about ways you can leave the house when it gets bad.  At night, I know it's hard.  I usually get stuck.  But on weekends I 'remember' I need to do yard work, or run errands.  Think of a place you can go, how you could take your child if needed, and maybe even your dog.  You may come back to anoher rage - leave again.  You will most likely come back to silent treatment.  That also sucks, but hey, if she wants to eat worms and pout, as long as you're left alone, that's an improvement over being choked.  I find it works best if I do not bring up the rage.  Usually, H will after a time.  And then we can finally talk a little.  

This takes practice - you're safe talking here - we have all in one way or another seen what you're seeing.  I'm sorry, but things CAN get better, regardless of whether you stay or not.  

One more thing - I told another person one here - never stay "for the kid(s)".  As a child who witnessed both parents abusing the other, being abused/neglected, and growing up feeling it was MY job to fix their lives, keep them from hurting each other, and feeling immense guilt when they fought... .it's better to have one stable parent than a set where one is abusive.  It's also better to have just one crazy parent than 2 (my case).  So stay because you love her and want to try to work on making YOU healthier emotionally to where you can try some of the tools and set some boundaries.  We don't go out to change the pwBPD.  We change ourselves and often, we're able to drag them with us as we establish a new normal at home.  But it takes time.  

[Lost in Desert]

Thank you for sharing with me your story.  It is amazing the amount of people I have found online who are experiencing the same exact thing as I am.  I honestly feel at times like I am losing my mind, or maybe I have some deep flaw, questioning my integrity, dignity, etc.  It is very frustrating.  I plan on shedding no more tears for my wife.

Some of the hardest elements to deal with his the effective ways to communicate.  It is almost like a daily struggle to watch what you say or the beast will come out of the cage.  But when you talk to her, it is the other way around.  Mind you, I am around her maybe 3-5 hours a day.  But I am the reason she has to walk on egg shells.  TRUST ME, she is not, it is her way or NO WAY.  My son is 2 1/2 years old and honestly I do not think she has taken my advice one time with respect to him.    Secondly, I feel people with BPD do not respect people, PERIOD!  I feel she has a callous approach to my needs and wants.  For example, yesterday morning, I open the breadbox, no bread, even though she went to the store the previous day.  I ask, why did you not get bread?  I am met with silence.  Then she says, you need to tell me when you need bread.  Mind you, she never will check our cupboards, fridge or freezer before she goes to the grocery store.  She can not plan a meal plan at all.  Hell, this week, she has cooked for me a frozen pizza.  I feel like she truly has never loved me.  I question her ability to love.  But like I shared with her father, she is very against men, feels men have hurt her throughout her life, so few men she respects, honestly her Poppa and Jesus is IT!  So it has to be a complete mind F to her cause she has a son, and she has to love him!  I know as he gets older, I am sure this dynamic will change.  I see already things in her ways I do not support.  But again, if I try to talk about something that is not in her interest, I am shut down or met with silence.  Or told do you want to fight?  Do you want a divorce?  This has been hung on me since pretty much 6 months into our marriage.  She has the word VIXEN tattoo'd on her body, my sister said that should have been a MAJOR RED FLAG.  But I laughed it off at the time. 

Money!  Wow, I may lose my mind over this.  I can not get her to bring her side to the table.  I ask her how much she made on a weekend, to try and plan it accordingly with our household. I am met with silence.  I have asked, since she is in the cash business, Sunday Nights, put away a %.  She will not.  She instead tells me to put some of the income I make aside.  We have not saved a $1 in three years.  She says I only spent this or that, but it adds up.  Mind you, I can count on one hand the items we have bought for me in our marriage.  I have sacrificed so much, but her sacrifice is she no longer shops at Sepora, not she shops at Macys.  I am numb honestly, but feel like a constant pressure on my body.

I do not want to have  heart attach cause of her, but feel she is pushing me to this.

The other thing I have learned my wife has done, she has championed her cause with her Grandparents and a Cousin.  She basically paints me as a bad husband.  But again, I ask what do I do wrong?  I know what it is.  Partly, when we were in our honeymoon stage, I would often rub her feet, her shoulders, etc.  But when I asked for a shoulder rub, I got nothing.  After hundreds of massages, I said no more.  You are not even remotely trying.  With that guess what went away? You guessed it, our sex life. 

She fears a counselor cause I feel she will be exposed, thus her reasoning for not trying.  She works 2 days a week, and takes care of our son Monday thru Friday, then I watch him on weekends and she works as a barber.  You should see her on the weekends, she is like on cloud 9?  Why, my wife is very pretty, so men flock to her, bring her gifts, she is the number 1 requested stylist and she gets flooded with compliments.  It has been months since she has tried to kiss me, or show me some sort of affection.  As a man, when you are pushed away so often, so much, I have pulled back.

I honestly feel this marriage is over, but I stay cause my fear for me son.  She has served him Hotdogs and pasta for breakfast before, she often will leave him in his chair to fend for himself to eat.  I am opposite, I sit with him and help him eat his entire meal.  She often sits him down and when I am home, I actually get him to finish his meal when she said he was done.  Also, she is on her 5 pediatrician cause she has not liked the previous ones. 

I am lost... .shaking my head, not sure how to talk, how to walk, how to sleep anymore.

I am thinking about posting a lengthy letter I sent to her a month ago, a counselor told me, write it sir, she will then have to read it even if she gets angry, words will go to deaf ears often.  I asked after I wrote it anything to add, she said I am thinking about it.  A week later I asked can we discuss it, her exact words: Brian, I do not want to respond to an email, if you have something to say, SAY IT.

Mind you, you can not talk to her, once she feels threatened or cornered, IDK if them are correct analogies, but either way, communication is shut down.  So what am I to do.

[isilme]

The only thing you can really do is work to make sure your son and you are taken care of as best as possible.  Letters explaining your feelings will only be seen as an attack.  Your feelings are an attack.  Your requests for bread are an attack.  Asking her about her earnings is an attack.  That's all she sees.  So trying to convince her of anything is pretty much a waste of time right now.     

A lot of this means, especailly at this point of your W's dysfunction, is that you will pretty much need to think like a single parent, with an extra "adult" in the household who cannot be relied upon.  So step one - disregard her money - it does not exist unless she's willing to admit it does.  Don't rely on her for chores, grocery lists, anything more than a warm body who can call 911 if the child is hurt.  This sucks, and yes, it's tiring, but if you pretty much accept taking care of these things, your son will have real food around, and so will you, and there will be no more fights over "why did you not get XYZ?" because you may need to just start going to the store for now on your days off if you've got a 2nd car or can drop her off - take the boy, it's good for him to learn to shop and budget anyway.

I've gotten to a point where I feel fighting over the mundane just hurts, so if I want the house clean - I just do it when I have energy.  If I want the yard mowed, I just do it.  I DO insist H put things on the grocery list, because he uses things I never even see after I bring them home from the store, so I don't know if we are out or not.  Fighting over who does what is just an energy drain for me.  I know others have managed to come up with chore charts and whatnot, that just won't work for me, and in your case, it sounds like your W is too unbalanced at this time to even try it.  I came to the realization that I am the one who cares about the house, and  I am the one who benefits the most from it being clean, and so for my own well-being, after working a 40+ hour week, I do ALL the house work.  H may file some videos away, maybe put away his art supplies that are taking over 1/4 of the living room,  he may help clean the bathroom when company is coming, or surprise me by taking out the trash, but I plan to do it myself, and am happily surprised if it's done.  I decided long ago to never "nag" seeing that all it did was make him balky like a child and he'd refuse even more to help out.  By simply doing it, I think it embarrasses him a little at this point to know he does very little at home, and in a way shames him into helping.  Not my real goal - I just want things clean without a fight.  But I'll take it. 

So for now, work on fixing your life as best as you can with an extra person in the house who does not factor in your division of labor.  You've got to live.  You've got to provide a safe, clean space for your son, and real food for him.  Eventually,  your W might realize that you don't "need" her regardless of whether you "want" her, and she will adjust her behavior, or you will realize you don't even want her around and you can work to move on.  Either way, minimizing conflict by not allowing her the reins over things she fails to do will yes, take away from some of your free time (for now), and yes, you work and I know you're tired, (believe me), but being tired in a house with less conflict is better than being tired in a house where you have to call the police just because dishes were not put away. 

Your W has the adult capability of your son, it sounds like.  She likes her days at work, because she's out, she gets to be a social butterfly, she gets to feed her ego and feel pretty, feel important, and apparently she needs that.  But she can't just shut down when it's time to be housewife/mom.  She can't make her kid eat horrible food just because she was not taken care of - it's not HIS fault her MOM was terrible.  But while you can't do anything about her being the caregiver while you are working, you can basically take charge of the shopping (this also means you can stop letting her have carte blanche access to any shared funds and you can manage the budget more), and any household chores.  Basically, for a while, live like she is just there - you need to decrease the drama and she's not going to help.  Don't try to make her see she's being mean.  Just leave when she starts.  You may as well yell at the wall trying to make her see things from your point of view.  Write all you want to say.  Don't bottle it all up.  Get it out here, on paper, but don't expect to show it to her and for her to feel empathy and remorse.  Not yet at least.  Her defenses are up, it's all your fault in her head, and NOTHING will change that impression.

[Lost in Desert]

WOW is all I can say!  You are spot on with a lot of your words.  Right now, when I get home, I barely speak with her, my whole focus is my son.  So we are basically saying few words to each other.

See, I put her on my account, gave her access to the bank and well, now when I tell her I am taking her off, she flies off the handle.  It hard to get the courage to do that, cause I know the BEAST will be out in full blown MODE, and God knows what she is capable of.

I have turned my attention to myself, thus why I am here, I need to continue to educate and talk with others like yourself, it is very helpful.  You also must know, I do exactly what you say.  Every Friday I go to the store and shop for the week, I buy based on what we need.  Saturdays I typically clean the entire house.  I do not think she has ever cleaned the bathroom, never has taken out the trash. 

My family would like me to get back to MYSELF and thus they think it is time I speak with a lawyer.  I am not there yet, even though calling the police was dictated by our family lawyer.  He wanted to see her reaction and it was perfect in his eyes.  If we end up in family court, that situation will be brought up.  Brian called the police cause you were threatening to leave with a toddler in a bad storm.  You called after he did and said he was acting violent.  Police realizes quickly, I am not that type of man.  I know now, how men can be driven to hurt women.  I think most men in my shoes would have lost it by now and maybe that explains why she has had several restraining orders placed on men.  My mind just brought up something, her biggest fear is someone throwing ACID on her face.  I am like, what are we living in Pakistan, where does these thoughts come from, these fears, it is so odd.

You NAILED IT, everything is an attack on her.  I have read to be short, simple and firm.  So that is how I speak.  But her reality is far from the one I live and breathe.  My one 60-something friend said, she comes off as a master manipulator and a person with blinders one, walking straight not taking time to look left or right at the beauty around her.  He also said I need to separate, he spent a lot of time around us, he sees her as a deeply troubled person.  He also found that she was very wasteful.  Translation, instead of washing a Tupperware dish, she will simply throw it away.  I tell her we are not rich.

She was crying poverty for some time, but I asked, last time I checked, I do not see poor people buying Evian, Fiji, Smart waters as if it was their BUSINESS and going daily to Starbucks for a $5 ICE TEA!  Mind you, we have 8 different kind of Green Teas in the cupboard.  I do not drink Green Tea.

She used a Tablet a great deal with my son, so that bugs me.  I am more of the type who sits on the floor, he climbs on me, plays, etc, I talk to him, not down to him.  He is brilliant, he already can pick out every letter in the alphabet and has a sound mind.  I notice he is always playing with his hands, folding them, it comes across as a nervous element, I pray I am wrong.  My sister wants me to put a recording device in the home, again, I have not gone there.  Fear and honestly, I pray that she comes around.

I tend to be very organized, before her, I made the bed, all my clothes were folded neatly, etc.  Now, I come home, her style is to wash, dump in a pile fend for yourself.  I do not bring these issues to the forefront anymore, it is pointless.  Instead I bite my tongue so my son does not need to be around hostilities.

Also, I can not stop her from taking him out every day.  Mind you, he has been sick 5 times in the last 8 weeks.  he was not feeling well this past Wednesday, does it stop her from taking him out for awhile, NOPE.

Yesterday, I asked where did you guys go.  Store.  That is her response.  I leave it at that.  Like I mentioned, I am in full blown EDUCATION MODE.  Why, cause it has impacted me at work.  I head up an entire division of Commercial Insurance, yet I am here at work doing this.  I got to, I feel like a piece of glass slowly cracking. 

The police asked if she was having an affair, I do not know.  But I shared with them, when she left her first husband, it was her BF who helped her move.  So I am sure, she has some "prospects"

We have been intimate 3 times in nearly 2 years.  Again, I stop trying. 

Thanks for your time... .   

[isilme]

Hey, I'm here at work, too on here.  It's a safer place where I feel I can actually "talk" before I go home, and kinda of work out my thoughts and feelings.

Overall, H has usually become more stable over the last 10 years.  Lately, some health issues seem to be making him less stable and more prone to outbursts and rages.  So I'm back. 

In reference to the account - how bad would it be to simply open a second account to which she does not have access, and only give her an "allowance" and tell the bank no overdrafts - reject the purchase if she goes over?  Put the rest into your solo account, at least for now. 

Thoughts of things like acid?  It's their fears.  Their fears come from a deep dark place I don't think we can really fathom, sometimes.  It's very hard - BPD makes a person act horrible to those closest to them, but if you try to empathize with how awful they usually actaully feel and how full of hate, self doubt, self loathing (at least with H), and see how they are really projecting all of that onto you, the most available screen - it's just sad.

H yelled at me this morning for my "passive aggressive" attempts to wake him up.  Seriously - I feel like crap in the morning, but grew up so tempered to be quiet I could not figure what he meant.  I try to be quiet before the "acceptable" time to start trying to wake him.  So, I wake up, put my extra pillow back on the bed, straight my side of the sheets, go brush my teeth, come back to look up the weather and then try to wake him.  My equilibrium was especially off today, as my allergies are pretty bad.  Apparently, this morning, my regular routine was "throwing things on the bed, yanking sheets to wake him, slamming things in the bathroom (no idea what he heard there), and being pissy because I think he's lazy.  I'm like "wah?  I'm barely awake.  I move in auto-pilot until I am in the car, and sometimes at work.  I know he feels poorly, and do not call him lazy (about waking up - not doing dishes, maybe in my head).  It's like he thinks because I am up and moving I must feel great, not that I am struggling many mornings thanks to my life long insomnia, allergies, and a bout of food poisoning from earlier this week. 

I have no desire to fight, especially not in the morning when I feel terrible and just need to get to work so I can trodge through the day, and do NOT try to poke at him.  But to him, my existing at that moment when he was feeling bad and in pain, was enough to yell at me.  His "reality" is hard to follow, and always focuses on the deep, dark ideas, always about him, always about accusations of me expressing the feelings he has for himself that he blames on me.  Sigh.  I feel I need a week alone to sleep (he feels abandoned if I nap too much, and even when he insists I go take a nap, he comes in to talk, bother me, or wake me  ).  He has a trip in about a month.  I anticipate sleeping and tackling things that are harder when he's home at that time.

[Lost in Desert]

at what point to do you say enough is enough!  I am almost there honestly.

She throws that around all the time, I am passive aggressive, it is SO WEIRD you have it to.  I also know most of her insults towards me are projection.  I am lazy, I am a slob, etc.  Mind you, I have worked my entire life, since age 13.  Once I learned I could make money chopping wood, or mowing lawns, I was that kid, when the other kids where having fun, I was working why?  I wanted to eat.  Do I simply wash all clothes together and then dump them in a pile in the closet, Nope, I fold everything, every Saturday, only to watch it get back to her way by the next Saturday.  I ask her to sort out the clothes a few times a week, she has NEVER once done it, so I stopped asking.  I have never been called lazy by anyone, in-fact some of the things she says about me I have never had anyone say to me, so it is hard and it does feel like one is being peeled away slowly.

Any how, the projection is what hardest.  I know this, but it really can weigh on you over time, it can alter your mind, thus why I feel at times I am beginning to lose it, but then I put on some mediation music, I close my eyes and I take it all away. 

I grew up in a very difficult situation, so I too am not into fighting, yelling arguing, I am so over this.  I want peace in my life, well what I can get with a toddler. 

She also compares her care for our son as EXTREMELY difficult work, I disagree, I say enjoy this, cause in the future, you will not have toddler time, it should be viewed as enjoyable, not work.  She complains about it, sighs often towards him.  She has limited experience with children, I grew up with many kids around, and went to college to teach.  Physical Education still counts as teaching, hahah


For example, I am with him on Saturdays 7am until 7pm, he goes to bed at 8pm. I need a break.  I have asked her hundred times to put him to bed, he misses you, and he would love for you to lay with him, tell him a story and fall asleep next to you.  I am met with curse words and she refuses.  She says she does everything.  Mind you, I pay the bills, I clean the fridge, I take out the garbage, I clean the bathroom, I tidy the house, so what does YOU DOES EVERYTHING mean in her reality.

the other weird element is her desire to get people on her side?  So she wrote a nasty text message to a cousin, I was in the kitchen, picked up her phone and read it, was totally shocked.  I went into the bedroom, told her I read her nice words about me.  She flew off the handle, WHY are you reading my text messages.  haha, My phone she can view, her phone I can not.  So I fuels thoughts that she is likely talking with other men, I know for sure, cause guys text her about hair cuts, but I know it more than that.

The acid face thing is perplexing to me. 

I feel the abuse her step dad did to her, has caused her to lock her heart away in a dark place.  Like when she tried to hide as a child in the dark closet.  It breaks my heart that people can harm children, but then it is perplexing when my wife can not refuse what little contact she has with her mom.  it weird, she talks with her mom and turns around and calls her grandma to fill her in, AGAIN not healthy, but what can I do.  her mom is an extreme narcissist.

Great ready for this one.  My wifes mother came to our home and asked my wife to cut off her hair.  Now mind you, since I have been part of this family, her mom has claimed to have atleast 15 diseases.  ODD.  Any how.  So she is diagnosed with Hodkins Cancer, the one that is 99% curable.  The radiation was administered over a 3 month period.  But her mom has taken this and run with it.  The first trip to the hospital, her mom painted this picture of a horrible lengthy time in the hospital and that she could die.  Doctor came in said you good to go, nothing major, you will be fine.  We all turn to each other and in unison was like What the heck.  Her mom calls my wife and tells her how sick she is, how she could die, but it all BS.  It only to get the attention of people on this woman, she needs the attention.  Her mom in her 60s spent 300 a month to color her hair, got tattood up and down her arms.  She thinks she is young, I tease her, you are 64 years old.  her mother did not have to shaver her head, the doctor warned her likely your hair will be fine, so WHY THE F cut off all your hair.

Any how, this is the issue, my wife does not know how to foster a sound relationship due to her mom.  This is what I feel is at the heart of the problem.  I can not even put myself in her shoes, to have a parent still married to the monster that abused me as a child, only to have that parent to try and get me around him again, What the heck.  it has to be a find pretzel for my wife.  But like you said, I am treated as if I am the enemy.  Mind you, I am always home or at work, there is no gym, there is no fishing, no basketball, all of it is gone, I am home or work.  So what am I doing wrong.

So over this.

[isilme]

Lost,

It's totally okay for it to be over.  I'd listen to your family and see about a "worst case" plan - ask what to do to make sure you are protected in finances, custody, and property.  Tell him (her?) that you are not yet ready to file paperwork, but you want to know how to tackle tings IF you get to that DONE point.  I think in one way, this will ease some of the uncertainty and stress from you.  I know when I was on the fence, do I stay or do I go, it was a horrible time.  I was suicidal.  I had a knife in the bathroom, waiting, in case that was the day I decided to sue it.  I have only mentioned this on this message board.  NO ONE in real life has ever been told that's where I was.  The only good ting about that time was the depression and anxiety made me not eat at all, so I lost an awesome amount of weight. 

Then, I got a pension payout from a previous job I'd not even known I had coming.  So I bought my own car.  I'd been dependent on H for a car, and though I had hazy idea of how I'd find an apartment near where I worked and not need a car most days, buying a car solidified that I COULD get by on my own.  It'd suck, I'd be lonely, and had no idea what to do with our kitties (take them?  Give them up and leave them?  Those were our "children" and I could not face that decision yet), but I could go if I truly wanted to.  And then, H stopped being quite the crazy jerk.  I think his fear I really would abandon him kicked in.  It was a big turning point, and obviously it's not roses, but it got better overall, in progression, for quite some time.  His recent health issues are deteriorating his moods, bringing me back here - but I'm not the "me" of 9 years ago. 

So, having a solid plan in place for you and your son may help you feel less crazy.  You may not need it.  But if you're on edge, and she's on edge, it's all a mess.  So you've got to get to some point where you can just say, nope, not accepting your projection and blame, taking a walk.  They are her flying monkeys, she needs to manage them.  And if you just hit that wall, and need out, you've got a plan approved by the person who will help manage your interests in place.  If you never need it - cool.  But it might give you some peace of mind, next time she goes off, to know, "I can leave this afternoon.  Do I want to just take a break, or do I want to break it off?  I'm free to do it if I need to."

Let go of what you can let go of.  If you're tired, don't clean something until you have the energy or need to.  It's okay - if your W complains, she can go clean it or shut it.  H has finally stopped making comments about things needing to be cleaned if I am sick or too tired.  He may even half-ass try to do some of it.  Child care can't be neglected (contrary to my own upbringing), but as he gets older, it will take a less hand-on approach. 

Of course she is looking to turn people to her side.  She needs validation that she is right and the world is wrong.  She needs to make sure you're not believed if you approach any family or friends, and she needs to build her ego with their sympathy for how mean you are to her.  H used to have female "friends" with whom I felt (and told him) he was emotionalyl cheating on me with (this is what lead me to almost leaving) whose behavior towards him always changed once they actually met me.  Like, I'm sure he complained about me and how horrible I was... .then they met me and it did not jive.  They saw me working 60+ hour weeks and come home and clean.  They saw him not working or going to school for a while.  They saw me go out with everyone and head home early to go to work the next day.  Some people will believe the lies.  Many will not. 

As for her relationship with her own mother - you can't fix this, or even advise for it.  She's not in a place to take responsibility for buying bread - she's not going to listen to how she probably needs to be NC with her mother and abusive step-father.  She has learned a lot of behaviors from her mom, and really, as a child from an abuser mother and father Stockholm's is real.  I needed so badly to believe they loved me and they were right that I accepted all their abuse as deserved.  I learned over the years following going NC with each parent that some of my friends' parents in high school had been very worried about me, and even wanted me to come live with them instead.  Dad left me alone a lot to fend for myself in an apartment while he courted his soon to be wife #3 for her credit rating.  I was 15-17, feeding myself nonsense like tuna and cheese mixed in a skillet (trying to save money on tuna helper).  He'd give me some cash to get school lunches and any groceries I could walk back from the tiny mercado down the street.  I had some babysitting money (until he took it to pay speeding tickets).  I discovered I liked eggs at that point, but two friends would offer to feed me dinner pretty often.  Anyway, when dad kicked me out at 19 for telling him "no" for the first time (with H's support, oddly enough), I was devestated.  The last and only person obligated to love me told me get lost.  It's take over 20 years to realize he never even really loved me.  Mom came and went, and as her caretaker growing up, it was even more guilt inducing to tell her I need NC.  But she was toxic, and it was all that saved me.  Look on the suriving from parents boards sometime.  You will see your W' story.  In fact, you might find some advice regarding either dealing with her mother, or encouraging her to distance herself.  Worth a shot.

Also, I'd tell the lawyer about the step-father.  That needs to be on record in any custody hearings.  You son may not be immune from his attention just because he's a boy.  It may also be a good push for you to have sole custody if your W can't guarnatee an "alleged" child molester won't be in contact with your son.