Struggling with being second on partners' priority list vs. his own work.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been dating a man on and off for over a year. He is diagnosed with psychosis (which he gets when he does not sleep) and his behavior also is very similar to what I have read about borderline personality disorder and also a type of quick bipolar cycling with moods. Underneath he is a sweet and somewhat niave guy. But he struggles alot. And I really don't know if or how to continue to wait during these periods where he does not want to be near me. Initially I was consistent in my messages to him about support and love. But after so many many times of being hurt when he is 'sick' and then reconciling we are damaged. I am on the bench again. I have needs too. and I just don't know how to move on if I want to move on... .or really what the heck to do. I am lonely with him.

[Bobbi]

I have been dating a man on and off for over a year. He is diagnosed with psychosis (which he gets when he does not sleep) and his behavior also is very similar to what I have read about borderline personality disorder and also a type of quick bipolar cycling with moods. Underneath he is a sweet and somewhat niave guy. But he struggles alot. And I really don't know if or how to continue to wait during these periods where he does not want to be near me. Initially I was consistent in my messages to him about support and love. But after so many many times of being hurt when he is 'sick' and then reconciling we are damaged. I am on the bench again. I have needs too. and I just don't know how to move on if I want to move on... .or really what the heck to do. I am lonely with him.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Hi Bobbi! 



Let me welcome you here to the  bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

The feeling of loneliness that can come with a relationship with a disordered person is natural. The non-disordered person spends so much of his/her life dealing with the disordered person that we neglect ourselves, our wants and needs, our family and friends, and even our own emotions.

I know that life is hard right now, but there is a silver-lining to all of this. Now that you are starting to understand what is happening, you can start to make changes within yourself. When you make changes, it forces the dynamics of the relationship to change. There are some great tools to help you on this journey in the sidebar to the right. Given what you have written, I am tempted to suggest that you start with the lesson, the first one being:  Surviving confrontation and disrespect. It will help you break the cycle of conflict and take your power back.

What happened recently that brought you here, and how can we best support you?

I look forward to reading more of your posts.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Bobbi,

I'd like to join  Meili in welcoming you to the community. You've found a safe place to share your feelings and experiences. Members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through.

I'm sorry you feel lonely.    I can relate to that. As  Meili alluded to, understanding your own needs and wants is very important in these kinds of relationships. That kind of insight can help improve your relationship and will be an example to your partner.

Do you have a good support system around you, such as family and friends, whom you can lean on when things get intense in your relationship?

Keep posting and sharing. It really helps. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Bobbi]

Thank you so much for welcoming me. I love emoticons! I think part of the problem is I do not have alot of family or friends to lean on when things get rough, or even when they are good. I just really have alot of social phobias myself and for good reasons. I myself have my own depression issues and I work very hard daily to function and fit in. I think learning more about myself is great. And it really helps me feel grounded by hearing others' experiences. I think this site will be very helpful. So I need to examine what my needs are I guess. Honestly my boyfriend is very well versed in self examination and being aware. He gets off track and has alot of triggers. I just want to be sure I am not one of them. Sometimes I avoid him because of this concern of mine. We live in our own apartments. Not together. I work and he does not. But in avoiding him to try to keep him safe and keep us from having conflict (we do have conflict fairly regularly-especially when he is not feeling well) I am also avoiding my own needs. I think that seems like an issue to be worked on. I have to go now. Attempting to have a date night. Thank you for reading what I have written.