50:50 co-parenting with my BPD ex?

[SettingBorders]

I'm stuck. I broke up with my BPD ex one month ago. We have a daugther of five months and we're neighbours.

He wants her 50 percent of the time. And additionally he has five months of parental leave in summer and autumn when he wants her most of the time. I just can't take it anymore. I became his enemy although for now I gave him any time with his daughther he asked me for. Except one thing: that she can stay overnight with him. I fear loosing my daugther ... .or loosing her partially. I would like to care for her 70-80 percent, but not only 50. She's still a baby!

He threatens me, lies to others about what I say or do, starts circular discussions ... .all those things that made me leave the relationship, they are still there ... .

I fear his anger when I move away.

[takingandsending]

Hi SettingBorders.

What is your current arrangement like? You and ex are neighbors. How often does he take care of your daughter currently? When you say he wants her most of the time, does that mean 80-20, and what basis does he have for that request?

What sorts of threats is he making? Are you keeping a record of any of it, like texts or e-mails? Have you consulted an attorney and sought their advice?

It is very difficult to deal with an angry and gaslighting parent. You mention that you fear his anger when you move away. Is your move imminent? And are you worried that he will become violent? Folks here can help with good advice, but need a little more information to see where you are at now and where you want to be.

[ForeverDad]

The more you comply or give in to demands, the more he will feel enabled or entitled to keep demanding.

Also, allowing him frequent time now could sabotage you later when you tell the court you want him to have less or less frequent time.  Courts generally are reluctant to change the parenting history by much when deciding on an order.  So there is a risk that if/when the issue goes to court the history you've been allowing may work against you.

There may be a few things in your favor as mother.  Historically many courts have defaulted to mothers if not in writing then in actions.  Second, if you're unmarried then you as mother may have more default authority than him.  He may even have to prove he's the father so there is no future quibbling.  Third, nursing mothers are often given deference since they nurse frequently or else must express their milk to be passed along at exchanges.  Fourth, mothers are often declared the primary parent and the non-primary parent gets less time on the schedule.  For example, my county has a public parenting guideline, not that it has to be followed, with frequent but short visits with the non-primary parent.

That you have been able to enforce your 'no overnights' rule shows that some limits or boundaries can be set for your ex.  If you make a handful of sudden new boundaries, that may trigger an overreaction.  Make a list of the good boundaries already in place, then another list of the boundaries you need to establish.  Which are most important?  Do you think it practical to enforce the items higher on the list gradually?

How reluctant would he be to go to court to establish what his rights as parent are?  The longer you are the 'in charge' and majority time parent, then the better positioned you are for legal struggles.

Speaking confidentially with an experienced family law attorney could help answer your questions that really we're not able to address, due to being remote, anonymous and only being peer support.  We've been there, done that but we're still not able to give local legal advice.

Lastly, he can make demands until the moon falls into the sun, doesn't mean there is substance to them.  Part of the war he's waging is one of emotional conflict to discourage you.  So don't let him wear you down.  If you have concerns he shouldn't have equal time or shouldn't have overnights, then it would be advisable that you get consultations locally from lawyer(s) and counselor(s) as to how reasonable and actionable your concerns are.  The point is to be able to voice your concerns properly and in such a way that you don't give the impression you're just blocking or obstructing just because the relationship failed.

[SettingBorders]

Thanks so much for your responses. This place is so good for emotional support!

We're heading towards 50:50 co-parenting and as much as I want to enable a good relationship between our daugther and her father I also know that I am the more stable and persistent parent and can provide her more of my time and attention. My Ex is high functioning, he clearly loves his daughter, but his life is chaotic, his mood determines the reality, he's totally egocentric, he doesn't take responsibility and anyway when things go wrong, it's never ever his fault. Currently, he is behaving very bossy, huffy and unjust towards me (our couples therapist calls it narcissistic rage).

My country is supporting 50:50 whenever possible. Beeing neighbours and both wanting to parent, we've got perfect circumstances. While I breastfeed, she's 80:20 of the time with me, but it will soon become 50:50. He wants her 80:20 in summer and autumn as a compensation that she spends most of the time with me right now, but that won't happen. I cannot move away with our daughther without his permission, because we have shared custody.

Circumstances can change. I see two opportunities:

1) I go 50:50 and wait until his life calls his attention elsewhere. It WILL happen and he won't have so much time for his daugther anymore. But: I would have to stay close to him and officially pretend we're doing the 50:50 thing until I'd prove with an attourney that it isn't. Until then, I'd be exposed to his mood swings and I am so sure, when his attention drifts elsewhere and he can't spend as much time with his daughther as he thinks he should, he will blame it on me.

2) I could move to my hometown right now (it's a one hour drive from where I live now). I have talked with an attourney and learned that as long as I am nursing, I could move wherever I wanted with my daugther. He would still need to agree (I need him to sign), but no court would make me stay. This would be a great opportunity in my life, because I will inherit my grandmothers house (when we were a couple we wanted to move there together). I wouldn't have to pay a rent, we'd have a house with a garden, my mother could babysit. I could care for our child 80:20 or 70:30 and I'd be in charge of education and everyday life decisions. No more circular discussions on a daily basis. I like this option more, but I fear his rage, when I tell him.

Do you have any suggestions for me?

[takingandsending]

Hi SB.

So, currently, you are 80:20 with no overnights. He wants 50:50 (excluding the punitive request to be compensated for "lost" time - I don't say that lightly as I can actually understand how he feels wronged. Would that he could interact better, he would probably get the time he desires). You have already talked to an attorney. Good.

A few more questions: Are you divorced? Has a decree been entered with the court? The reason I ask is because it actually is easier to move before a divorce decree has been entered. I know this because I am fearful of my wife moving and taking the children, and my attorney advised me that it would be easier for her to move before we establish a custody schedule with the children. So, I agree with your attorney's assessment. Not certain it is confined to "as long as you are nursing" as my children are well past that point. Laws vary from state to state, country to country.

It sounds like option 2 gives you and your daughter the most stable arrangement. And if your ex is angry with you taking that option, it is understandable. But if he rages, it is not acceptable. You've mentioned a few times that you fear his rage. And it sounds as if you are possibly still in therapy together? I really want to confirm that he has not been violent and that you are not afraid of him becoming violent. There are separate resources to help in that case.

If you just don't want to deal with his anger and blowing up and making things difficult, then the best you may be able to do is not make things worse when you do communicate your plans with him. There are a lot of communication tools on this website to avoid making things worse. In this situation, feelings are going to be highly charged, no matter what. Recognizing that, you can go in with clear boundaries, with some empathy for how hard it would be to lose contact with your daughter, and with awareness that you cannot defend, argue, explain or justify your choice without likely making things worse between you and your ex. In this case, what is the boundary that you have? What is it that you value, that is part of who you are, that is something that deserves to be defended? For me, it is my kids' well being and maintaining civil speech (i.e. not insulting, baiting, critical, demeaning, swearing, yelling). You have been through the circular discussions before? What is the feeling you have inside of you when you begin down the rabbit hole? Watch for that feeling as you speak with him. Once you notice it, it's time for your boundaries to be stated, clearly and consistently. This link has good information on how to do this. https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I also recommend you take a look at SET (Sympathy, Empathy, Truth) or DEARMAN https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0. It won't work in an escalated conflict, but it is useful to try when you are both relatively calm. Starting with some sympathy for his feelings, empathizing and then relating your truth that you want what gives you and your daughter stability (a home, day care assistance). He won't agree, but it may provide the possibility for better communication. Your daughter's happiness is not about a ratio of time spent with mom or dad; it's about knowing that she has a parent she can count on as she grows. If he can't offer that stability - still not certain how his chaotic life manifests from your post - then, you have to. I wouldn't expect my xw to understand that, and I doubt your ex will either. But, I am committed to keep communications on the best level that I can, to keep my boys out of the middle to the extent I can, and to try to understand my xw because she is still a human being, flaws and all.

Sort of a ramble. Sorry. Hope some of the information helps. Keep posting. Ask more questions. Others will chime in.

[ForeverDad]

So, currently, you are 80:20 with no overnights. He wants 50:50 (excluding the punitive request to be compensated for "lost" time - I don't say that lightly as I can actually understand how he feels wronged. Would that he could interact better, he would probably get the time he desires). You have already talked to an attorney. Good.

My experience was that my court didn't care a bit that I was blocked for more than 3 entire months from any contact with my preschooler when we were between orders.  All the magistrate did once he confirmed from her that it really was 3 months was to say, "I'll fix that."  His solution was to use the old schedule again (alternate weekends).  No warning whatsoever to my then-stbEx.  No makeup time for me.  In fact, she said she wanted to take our son with her out of town Saturday and so asked for my reunion weekend be pushed back from Friday evening to Saturday evening.  Magistrate's response, knowing I hadn't seen son since his order had ended 3 months before?  "Granted."

So don't worry overmuch over makeup time or time compensation, that doesn't have to happen.  Keep in mind that potentially the court can order longer visits if it so wishes and just tell you to express your milk and send it along at exchanges.  (Of course, don't volunteer yourself for the extra work.  I'm just saying that could happen.)

It sounds like option 2 gives you and your daughter the most stable arrangement. And if your ex is angry with you taking that option, it is understandable. But if he rages, it is not acceptable. You've mentioned a few times that you fear his rage. And it sounds as if you are possibly still in therapy together? I really want to confirm that he has not been violent and that you are not afraid of him becoming violent. There are separate resources to help in that case.

I too prefer option 2, it is definitely helpful to your parenting and post-relationship life.  If there is already a court case filed, then there's probably a Move Intention notice to be turned in to the court.  Then it is up to him to contest.  The point is you can't afford to be timid.  Nor feel you need to appease.  negotiate, Yes, appease, No.  Nor have weak boundaries.  it's okay to stand up for yourself, your child and your boundaries.

An hour away is not much of an issue.  While it may not be in the same county, is it in the same state?  If so, then moving within the state presents fewer hurdles.

You would have to set up exchange location(s).  Usually that's about midway between your residences.  If there's nothing you like dead center then shift your locations closer to you.  No one will deny you that.  Perhaps a restaurant, supermarket or a nearby police station (if exchanges risk being confrontational).  You may have to wait a while, in my county there was a 30 minute exchange window since weather, traffic, road conditions could arise.

If you suspect his parenting attentions will wander over time and he may skip visits then include a clause that if he is a 'no show' for two consecutive exchanges without at least 2 hours advance notice, then you don't have come to exchanges (or they will be closer to you) until he confirms in advance when he will appear for his next exchange.

In other words, think ahead.  Think strategies.  Not to accuse but to resolve likely scenarios.