Decided to stay

[bookworm1]

Due to the age of my children, a son, 11 and a daughter, 9, I have decided that it would be best for me to stay in my marriage.  My husband doesn't have an official diagnosis of BPD, but I see traits of BPD, narcissism, and emotional abuse.

My biggest struggles currently are how to break the co-dependent cycle and how to help my children so that the cycle of dysfunctional relationships does not continue any further.  I just don't know where to start with this process.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi bookworm1,

I just don't know where to start with this process.

Here is a good place to start 

Have you tried validation with your kids? I know we often talk about using it with romantic partners, but your kids may be really starved for validation and respond in positive ways, building your skill set.

People with BPD tend to a bottomless need for validation and are extremely invalidating to their loved ones. There is a good chance your kids feel emotionally alone if their father invalidates them. Do you think that's the case?

[Shane87]

In a similar boat, except in my case it is my dear wife who suffers from BPD.

1.  Avoid being reactionary to spouse's outbursts.  In my case, I found that by diffusing the bad (by not being responsive to negative comments and playing down things that were intended to upset me) and complimenting any good behavior I saw, I was able to start changing the marriage dynamic for the better.  It sure takes baby steps, but within even a week or two there was enough change to notice.

2.  Be present and available for the kids.  Again, compliment any good you are able to notice.  You don't have to force things, but just being available and providing a source of positive attitude will provide opportunities for bonding and strengthening.

These two things really helped improve the dynamic in my home.  Maybe they could help you.