my daughter is beng passive aggressive and selfish

[abcdef1]

Hi all. My 29 yr old dd is up to ehr old tricks. She did come to visit us last sinday after not seeing us for 6 weeks. Now she is again doing silent treatment. I texted her once re something and she never responded. When she came last week I sked her if her phone was broken and she said 'no but when you text me the same thing 100 times its annoying', so I told her I only texted once but when u didnt respond I texted u again!" She made a face and ignored me (passive aggressive) I forgot about her reality distortion (lying)... So I stopped the dialogue. Today I texted her and no response. I did not call or pursue it. She hasnt been heard from since Sunday. My grandkids did call mefor a minute but she refused to get on the phone except to say what do u want? Then hanging up.WHy is she witholding the children from us by refusing to skype and then giving us a 5 min phone call and cutting it short?Does anyone have this and how should I respond? I know silent treatment is verbal abuse too... but I miss my grandkids... .and not in my control... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Studebaker]

My 45 year old daughter is doing the same thing. I've been helping her for 10 years.if I don't do what she wants, she doesn't speak to me or respond at all. I don't get to speak to granddaughters. I heard from her and when I didn't respond to her hint of what she needed, I got dropped again. She moved about 1000 miles away. It feels like I'm giving up. Can't do it anymore. Too old and tired. I'm focusing on those who love me.  Best wishes to you. It's very sad that we deal with this stuff because we're decent people who love our children and grandchildren.

[Mutt]

Hi abcdef1,



I'm sorry that you're going through this. A pwBPD have a difficult time with seeing people as integrated whole, good people have bad qualities and bad people have good qualities, they tend to think with all or nothing thinking. I'd suggest to not JADE, don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain, if you message her several times, it gives her unwarranted attention. Say things once, or maybe twice. That being said, she's probably done something similar in the past, how long has she split you or family members black?

[Lollypop]

Hi there abcdef1

I'm sorry you've had a rough week finding it difficult to cope with your daughter not receiving your calls. The visit on Sunday was such a great day; that came from giving your daughter some space.

You've said your daughter is up to her old tricks again. I think you mean by not responding to your call?  You contacted her, she didn't reply. I know it feels hurtful and it used to drive me completely up the wall, I thought "how dare he ignore me". I know how it feels. My reaction was to dig deeper more, keep reaching out, the result was that he pulled back further from me because he couldn't handle my behaviours. He had his own to cope with and actually wasn't responsible for mine and how I was reacting.

I found my way forwards by me changing my approach, I learnt better communication skills. This actually meant listening more. Listening isn't just to words, it's also listening actions. These actions tell you something, as the old saying goes "actions speak louder than words". Your daughter did not respond; whatever reason she did not want contact from you at that very moment. This is the time to sit back and do nothing, busy yourself in the meantime.

It's early days after a 6 week no contact. The action of recontact shows that your daughter wants to try too. There's going to be ups and downs and it's important to keep perspective, keep your eye on the long term goal and not caught up in drama. You want to be involved in your grandchildrens lives and you're exploring a way forward. Gently forwards. I encourage you to read up on communication and validation skills. These will really help you and how you interact to improve your relationships.

Take care of yourself. I hope you find some balance and are able to calm your mind.

LP

[abcdef1]

Hey Studebaker I couldnt agree more. We are thinking of moving away as well. At least then I can justify in y mind that we are 'too far' (even though there is skype etc) to see the kids in person and maybe mitigate the pain. Its been since October she painted us black, which is odd bc she was hospitalized and I waited on her hand and foot for weeks as she recuperated in MY home. The kids got so close to us that my granddaughter called me her 2nd mommy and now its all gone. all of it. The kids arent comfortable in our home like they used to bc God knows what she has beeen telling them. And the worst part is that I have NO control over this. I am reaching out slowly but yes backing off when no response. Also painful.