Letting off steam

[foggydew]

Long time since I posted. Much has happened, culminating in friend moving back to the block of flats we both live in. I have helped. Driven him around, fetched furniture etc. There was hardly anyone else to do so. I lent him the money to replace the car he totalled. He is trying to start again, under difficult circumstances, after having 8 weeks in rehab for alcohol abuse... or addiction, who knows. I would do that for any family member close to me, and that is how I consider him. He has just told me he thinks I am possessive. I would so like to get on with my own life too, which I have put temporarily on hold because his need was pretty great. Sure, it's nice he is here as family. Sure, I like spending time with him. That is friendship, or? Yes, in the past, there were incidents. In the past. I have been trying to reassure him that I don't mind doing things for him at the moment. But this idea that I am being possessive annoyed me so much I asked him to leave. I'd so much like to say that he shouldn't contact me for a few days so that I can have my own life back...
And my stepdaughter asked if he is drinking again ... .yes, he is a bit. But it is not my business and I don't want to talk about it to her. But she continues and contnues, even though I keep saying it is not her business and not my business. Not my responsibility.
Sometimes I'd like to be a hermit.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[foggydew]

'Letting off steam' in this way helps because I see my own behaviour made (semi) public and it helps me try and work out what is bothering me. I no longer feel engulfed or dependent, and I can see that I am trying not to go into 'tit for tat' mode. This would mean I am again reacting to what he does, and he is in control again. Friend is showing some manipulative traits and falling back into his old drinking behaviour. So I shouldn't get annoyed or react - just do what I want to do. I have helped a lot, now it is his turn to get himself under control again. Not my responsibility.

[heartandwhole]

Hi foggydew,

I know I'd be irritated if my friend said I was being possessive after helping him out in the way you have. I'm glad you find benefit in writing out your feelings—you have every right to feel that way.

I don't see anything wrong with telling him that you need a few days to yourself. We all need time out to recharge our batteries sometimes. Maybe you could use SET and let him know what you need to do for yourself, and how you will look forward to seeing him again when you've had your alone time. I totally get the hermit feeling. I've actually contemplated taking some months out and becoming a hermit.

Do you think your daughter is just worried about you, knowing how things have been in the past? It takes time for loved ones to catch up with us sometimes. Time for them to feel confident that things have changed.

As you say, your friend's life is not your responsibility. How are you feeling about yours these days?

heartandwhole

[foggydew]

Thanks, HaW. Nice to be validated, helps a lot. My stepdaughter has been abusive to me in the past, has bipolar, and is often jealous of uBPD person, though she tries to conceal it.
Well, after I wrote that, I had a bad fall, and now friend is really helping out, doing things for me and keeping me company. He's really trying to be nice and helpful, and I just have to wait till I'm fit again before I can pick up my life.

[heartandwhole]

Oh no, I wish you a speedy recovery foggydew! I'm glad to hear that your friend is helping out when you need support. I'm sure that will help your recovery.