Communication Advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am 35 my mom definitely has many BPD traits... .about a year ago i started reading about BPD and it was quite the experience. Lightbulb moment... .this is it this is what is wrong with this crazy person I have had to deal with all my life. I have done alot of reading and have slowly been working on approaching my relationship in a completely different way. I share very little personal information. I speak very matter of factly, I feel I have disconnected my self emotionally and I feel like I am much happier. I like having some contact but also like keeping her at arms length these days.

My mom is up and down. Its either a fake trying to be a good parent persona or I am out to get someone persona. Well currently shes out to get someone. A couple weeks ago she texted me an angry text about me being friends with my siblings dad on FB. This man was in my life from age 5-15. Not always the greatest guy but never given me trouble personally. I acquaint with him and his family only on social media and very minimally.

My mom realized this... .(been friends with all these people for years) and she freaked. Threatening me, trying to bully me into removing the guy, guilt trip on how i dont care about her or her abuse she encountered in the past,I am selfish, i did this to hurt her, she removed herself from my FB. etc. I told her I didn't appreciate her threatening me. I was not going to do something just because you say so. I was not going to take being treated like this.  She then proceeded to say well this is your way of getting me out of your life, then i dont want you in mine.

I left this whole thing with I refuse to engage you about this topic anymore. When you would like to apologize and stop threatening me I will be around. Havent heard for her in weeks. Then I get a random message asking are you still friends with the person she doesnt want me to be friends with? I have totally ignored this statement. Not sure how to respond... .the answer is no I havent and I know it will trigger more threats and anger from her so I went with ignore the question. But struggling with this ignore philosophy.

I have not had an encounter with my mom like this in a long time. Just looking on advice as to how to move forward. I have not gone down a no contact path as that seems complicated. But things are always complicated with my mom. Honestly I have sort of enjoyed the no contact in the last few weeks.

i dont want to unfriend the guy as it makes me feel like she wins, silly I know but shes won too many times. I am not afraid anymore and I am just trying to stand up for myself.  If she didnt come at me with blades of threatening glory maybe my response wouldn't be what it is... .but what are some communication tips I could use to handle this. Maybe the no contact on her terms is the best thing... .who knows. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.

[Munka22]

I am 35 my mom definitely has many BPD traits... .about a year ago i started reading about BPD and it was quite the experience. Lightbulb moment... .this is it this is what is wrong with this crazy person I have had to deal with all my life. I have done alot of reading and have slowly been working on approaching my relationship in a completely different way. I share very little personal information. I speak very matter of factly, I feel I have disconnected my self emotionally and I feel like I am much happier. I like having some contact but also like keeping her at arms length these days.

My mom is up and down. Its either a fake trying to be a good parent persona or I am out to get someone persona. Well currently shes out to get someone. A couple weeks ago she texted me an angry text about me being friends with my siblings dad on FB. This man was in my life from age 5-15. Not always the greatest guy but never given me trouble personally. I acquaint with him and his family only on social media and very minimally.

My mom realized this... .(been friends with all these people for years) and she freaked. Threatening me, trying to bully me into removing the guy, guilt trip on how i dont care about her or her abuse she encountered in the past,I am selfish, i did this to hurt her, she removed herself from my FB. etc. I told her I didn't appreciate her threatening me. I was not going to do something just because you say so. I was not going to take being treated like this.  She then proceeded to say well this is your way of getting me out of your life, then i dont want you in mine.

I left this whole thing with I refuse to engage you about this topic anymore. When you would like to apologize and stop threatening me I will be around. Havent heard for her in weeks. Then I get a random message asking are you still friends with the person she doesnt want me to be friends with? I have totally ignored this statement. Not sure how to respond... .the answer is no I havent and I know it will trigger more threats and anger from her so I went with ignore the question. But struggling with this ignore philosophy.

I have not had an encounter with my mom like this in a long time. Just looking on advice as to how to move forward. I have not gone down a no contact path as that seems complicated. But things are always complicated with my mom. Honestly I have sort of enjoyed the no contact in the last few weeks.

i dont want to unfriend the guy as it makes me feel like she wins, silly I know but shes won too many times. I am not afraid anymore and I am just trying to stand up for myself.  If she didnt come at me with blades of threatening glory maybe my response wouldn't be what it is... .but what are some communication tips I could use to handle this. Maybe the no contact on her terms is the best thing... .who knows. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.

[Kwamina]

Hi Munka22 and welcome to bpdfamily

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I can see why your mother's behavior would bother you so, it's quite unpleasant what she says and the threats she makes. Your mother's latest 'episode' was triggered by her finding out you are friends on social media with your sibling's father. You mention that he has never given you any trouble but that he wasn't always the greatest guy. In what ways wasn't he always the greatest guy? How did he treat your mother when the two of them were together?

To help you better communicate with your mother, it might help to explore some of the communication techniques described on this site:

Validate, don't invalidate, but only validate the valid

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate

What these techniques have in common is that they present structured ways of communicating that help reduce the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. They of course don't give a 100% guarantee of success, but following the scripts can increase your chances of success and can also help you stay more calm yourself.

[Munka22]

Thank you for your response. When I say not the greatest he was an alcoholic and him and my mother did not work well together. There was lots of verbal abuse between the two of them and some physical. However in the last 10 years he has stopped drinking, has a job, is helping care for his parents and is no bother to me or my siblings. When my mom abandoned my 15year old sister and she moved in with me her dad really helped us financially and without his help who knows how that situation would have panned out.  My siblings both have a bit of a relationship with him and I never thought it was unreasonable to associate online. Like i said been friends online for years and honestly didn't even really remember he was on there thats how infrequently we actually talk. I can understand why my mom would not want to associate with him as their history is much different than mine. Her feelings are valid. But no reason to take her threats out on me. I will definitely read the mentioned posts. Thanks again.

[Kwamina]

Hi Munka22

How are things now?

Sounds like your sister's dad has really turned his life around. I also don't think it's unreasonable for you to associate with him or anyone else for that matter if that is what you want to do. You are an adult and are free to associate with whomever you like, your mother cannot dictate that.

Given the history between them, I do understand though how this could trigger your mother especially considering her BPD (traits). I hope you'll find those communication techniques helpful.

Take care

The Board Parrot