Intro - so much to learn

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

For the last year I've been going through what an understatement would call a high conflict divorce with a suspected borderline.  Shortly after our now almost 3 year old son was born, I knew something was wrong.  After months of misery, my stbx convinced me that I was depressed and to go to therapy (can you say gas lighting).  Desperate for answers and to figure out how to save our marriage, I did go.  I was diagnosed with depression by the psychologist, who recommended a psychiatrist to explore the possibility of meds.  While my stbx was right, the more I talked about her behavior, the more convinced my therapist was that she was depressed.  I finally got my stbx to go to a marriage counselor, which my stbx put no effort into.  After my stbx lies about child abuse, the marriage counselor was contacted.  A summary of her words were "mother appears to be severely depressed, but was unable to perform testing.  Mother will try to isolate children from father.  Mother looks like a zombie."  I still chuckle at the zombie reference, I've had multiple professionals involved with this nightmare read that and tell me they've never seen a statement like that.

Separately each of them told me a similar observation of my now stbx.  The psychologist said without seeing my stbx that she couldn't make a diagnosis but she would be shocked if my stbx didn't have BPD.  The psychiatrist started talking about Axis II disorders and after things really blew up last spring my brother in-law really opened up with me.  It turns out that my stbx and her brother were physically and emotionally abused as children by their mother and step-father.  When the psychiatrist found out about the abuse, she gave her opinion that my stbx at a minimum has borderline traits, but until the underlying damage of child abuse is dealt with, it would be impossible to tell if BPD or traits brought on by the abuse.  They also both think that she had post partum depression after our son was born and then again after our daughter.

I've been hit with what seems to be all the standards, false accusations of DV twice, once of child abuse.  The police who showed up for the first dv and child abuse, didn't believe her to the point that no arrests were made.  Which my lawyer tells me is pretty much unheard of in our State.  Crazy things like on one parenting time that our son came back with a fat lip and another time that I got his hair cut.  After my stbx lied about DV and child abuse initially, I knew more was to come.  I've now got a discreet video camera with sound, a standard body cam and a digital voice recorder.  On the fat lip parenting time, I took pictures throughout the morning with my son and since it was one of the first times I'd had him in weeks, I also took pictures 10 minutes before exchanging him with my stbx.  After she texted me about him having a fat lip and me telling her no he didn't have it, I've been called elusive and a liar multiple times by her and her lawyer.  One of the hardest things I've had to ever do is sit on the pictures that shows she is lying.  Those pictures were released recently as part of my exhibits to show the extremes my stbx will go to.  The hair cut is similar, she asked if I got his hair cut which I didn't.  At the time my kids had 4 hours a week with me, 2 - 2 hours afternoons.  Why would I use that limited time for something like a hair cut?  That day I had family and friends out with us, so I have 3 witnesses who have sworn I didn't get his hair cut and I have body cam footage which shows no hair cut.  Again my lawyer convinced me to not tell my stbx and her lawyer, so I've dealt with almost a year of them brining these issues up.

I could go on and on about her behavior, but while I was searching to figure out things I found this board.  The threads about clothes really resonated with me.  My stbx sends our son over in clothes that are full of holes and her excuse is he comes back to her filthy.  Just seeing that told me that this might just be a safe harbor to get advice, learn and help our children.

In another week the final orders will be put together.  I'm not very happy where things are going as far as parenting time.  The shrink who did the parenting evaluation published several books about how she is very much for 50/50 parenting.  What she left out is that she is a strong supporter of the "tender years" doctrine.  This means for now, I'll have almost no time with my children.  There is a plan from the shrink that will grow the parenting time the kids have with me to near 50/50.  About the only thing I'm going to push when I go in for final orders is that at the end of the ramp-up that the parenting goes to a 5-2-2-5 plan.  My hope is my stbx and lawyer will piss everyone off enough that I'll get it.  One immediate good thing is that we have shared decision making for all major decisions. 

One of the things I'm trying to figure out, is what does normal co-parenting look like?  How are decisions made for our children between us?  I could type for hours on her unilateral decisions and when I disagree I'm "selfish".

I know I'm not going to get this with my stbx, but I want to get there on co-parenting.  Right now I figure that a lot of issues will end up going to the PC/DM we have tentatively agreed to use.  Which just means more costs and considering my lawyer could go buy a pretty well decked out BMW for what I've spent, I'm tired of insane legal bills.

[Lycurgus]

For the last year I've been going through what an understatement would call a high conflict divorce with a suspected borderline.  Shortly after our now almost 3 year old son was born, I knew something was wrong.  After months of misery, my stbx convinced me that I was depressed and to go to therapy (can you say gas lighting).  Desperate for answers and to figure out how to save our marriage, I did go.  I was diagnosed with depression by the psychologist, who recommended a psychiatrist to explore the possibility of meds.  While my stbx was right, the more I talked about her behavior, the more convinced my therapist was that she was depressed.  I finally got my stbx to go to a marriage counselor, which my stbx put no effort into.  After my stbx lies about child abuse, the marriage counselor was contacted.  A summary of her words were "mother appears to be severely depressed, but was unable to perform testing.  Mother will try to isolate children from father.  Mother looks like a zombie."  I still chuckle at the zombie reference, I've had multiple professionals involved with this nightmare read that and tell me they've never seen a statement like that.

Separately each of them told me a similar observation of my now stbx.  The psychologist said without seeing my stbx that she couldn't make a diagnosis but she would be shocked if my stbx didn't have BPD.  The psychiatrist started talking about Axis II disorders and after things really blew up last spring my brother in-law really opened up with me.  It turns out that my stbx and her brother were physically and emotionally abused as children by their mother and step-father.  When the psychiatrist found out about the abuse, she gave her opinion that my stbx at a minimum has borderline traits, but until the underlying damage of child abuse is dealt with, it would be impossible to tell if BPD or traits brought on by the abuse.  They also both think that she had post partum depression after our son was born and then again after our daughter.

I've been hit with what seems to be all the standards, false accusations of DV twice, once of child abuse.  The police who showed up for the first dv and child abuse, didn't believe her to the point that no arrests were made.  Which my lawyer tells me is pretty much unheard of in our State.  Crazy things like on one parenting time that our son came back with a fat lip and another time that I got his hair cut.  After my stbx lied about DV and child abuse initially, I knew more was to come.  I've now got a discreet video camera with sound, a standard body cam and a digital voice recorder.  On the fat lip parenting time, I took pictures throughout the morning with my son and since it was one of the first times I'd had him in weeks, I also took pictures 10 minutes before exchanging him with my stbx.  After she texted me about him having a fat lip and me telling her no he didn't have it, I've been called elusive and a liar multiple times by her and her lawyer.  One of the hardest things I've had to ever do is sit on the pictures that shows she is lying.  Those pictures were released recently as part of my exhibits to show the extremes my stbx will go to.  The hair cut is similar, she asked if I got his hair cut which I didn't.  At the time my kids had 4 hours a week with me, 2 - 2 hours afternoons.  Why would I use that limited time for something like a hair cut?  That day I had family and friends out with us, so I have 3 witnesses who have sworn I didn't get his hair cut and I have body cam footage which shows no hair cut.  Again my lawyer convinced me to not tell my stbx and her lawyer, so I've dealt with almost a year of them brining these issues up.

I could go on and on about her behavior, but while I was searching to figure out things I found this board.  The threads about clothes really resonated with me.  My stbx sends our son over in clothes that are full of holes and her excuse is he comes back to her filthy.  Just seeing that told me that this might just be a safe harbor to get advice, learn and help our children.

In another week the final orders will be put together.  I'm not very happy where things are going as far as parenting time.  The shrink who did the parenting evaluation published several books about how she is very much for 50/50 parenting.  What she left out is that she is a strong supporter of the "tender years" doctrine.  This means for now, I'll have almost no time with my children.  There is a plan from the shrink that will grow the parenting time the kids have with me to near 50/50.  About the only thing I'm going to push when I go in for final orders is that at the end of the ramp-up that the parenting goes to a 5-2-2-5 plan.  My hope is my stbx and lawyer will piss everyone off enough that I'll get it.  One immediate good thing is that we have shared decision making for all major decisions. 

One of the things I'm trying to figure out, is what does normal co-parenting look like?  How are decisions made for our children between us?  I could type for hours on her unilateral decisions and when I disagree I'm "selfish".

I know I'm not going to get this with my stbx, but I want to get there on co-parenting.  Right now I figure that a lot of issues will end up going to the PC/DM we have tentatively agreed to use.  Which just means more costs and considering my lawyer could go buy a pretty well decked out BMW for what I've spent, I'm tired of insane legal bills.

[Turkish]

What does this supposed ramp up look like in duration and parenting time? This seems a very one down situation to start with.  How old is your other child?

When my ex left (a combination of that and me continually pushing her to leave since age was engaged in another r/s), we went with 3-2-2-3 custody.  D was 1 and S had turned 4 not a week before.  My lawyer said that this was pretty standard with children this age due to attachment issues. It sounds like the shrink is stuck in the 90s. Tender years aren't so tender with a disordered parent. 

The false accusations sound scary and frustrating.  A hair cut,  seriously? Is anyone other than your stbx and her L giving credence to such pettiness? Haircuts fall under normal parenting and caregiving.

It sounds like this situation may call for parallel parenting.  It's hard to say at this point if it can ever transition to a co-parenting r/s, like "cooperative colleagues."

You want to take a look at some of the skills training workshops in section 8 near the bottom : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.50;sort=subject

I'd say the legal issues are pressing right now, however. 

[Lycurgus]

What does this supposed ramp up look like in duration and parenting time? This seems a very one down situation to start with.  How old is your other child?

Our daugther will a year in a couple of weeks.  Right now, I've got two - 2 hour weekday and then 8 hours on Saturday.  Per the shrink, 6 months after the Saturday's started my son is supposed to add an overnight every other week.  So for him it will be 9AM on Saturday to 5PM on Sunday, while our daughter still stays on the 9am-5pm on Saturdays.  6 months after that the overnights start, my son has Friday at 5PM to Sunday at 5PM every other weekend, along with the 8 hours on opposite Saturdays.  A year later the every other weekends goes to Monday at 9am.  In fall 2019 the parenting goes to "nearly 50/50" and I'm pushing for a full 50/50 plan.  Our daughter will follow the same ramp-up except six months delayed with the shrink's caveat that younger siblings often times handle transitions better so she may be able to advance at a faster pace. 

I'll also be fair and say that I made a couple of mistakes in the home visit with the shrink.  I was so concerned about the shrink watching me with our baby that I focused way too much on her.  In the shrink's words I engaged in parallel play with him.  The shrink also identified social anxiety which she clearly wrote had been made worse by living with my stbx.

When my ex left (a combination of that and me continually pushing her to leave since age was engaged in another r/s), we went with 3-2-2-3 custody.  D was 1 and S had turned 4 not a week before.  My lawyer said that this was pretty standard with children this age due to attachment issues. It sounds like the shrink is stuck in the 90s. Tender years aren't so tender with a disordered parent. 

So very true, one of the arguments my stbx made is that our children shouldn't have to go to day care and with anything but her having the majority of time they would have to.  Given her lack of socialization efforts for our son, I say that day care would be great for him.

The false accusations sound scary and frustrating.  A hair cut,  seriously? Is anyone other than your stbx and her L giving credence to such pettiness? Haircuts fall under normal parenting and caregiving.

No professional except her lawyer appears to given any credence to the hair cut or fat lip.  I'm sure her mother and step-father do, but they don't matter.  Even with the evidence presented to the shrink, she chose to ignore the entire issue.  In my opinion the shrink was way too nice and didn't call out lies.  You can tell where she didn't believe my ex but she stops short.  One example is my ex lied about what time I get off of work and forced the week day parenting time to start at 4PM.  I normally didn't get home until almost 5:30, though I can make 4:30 work very easily.  After I presented everything to the shrink showing my schedule, her recommended parenting time changed the weekdays to 5PM.  So she knew my ex was lying, didn't call her out, but still made her recommendation in such a way that implies she knew what was going on.

It sounds like this situation may call for parallel parenting.  It's hard to say at this point if it can ever transition to a co-parenting r/s, like "cooperative colleagues."

You want to take a look at some of the skills training workshops in section 8 near the bottom : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.50;sort=subject

I'd say the legal issues are pressing right now, however. 

Parallel parenting is suggested with a transition to co-parenting. 

I'll look over those workshops in a lot more detail later today after I finish up a couple of legal things.

With final orders later this week that is by far the most important thing.  My lawyer is putting together our position with what he calls more then normal protections for me in parenting time.  In his proposed opening he even admits it sounds paranoid, then he has a about 10 of the situations that justify the protection. 

At one point, I asked him what he though about make-up time provisions in the parenting plan, he said he didn't like them because they make things complicated but he has seen them.  Well without even talking to me he has already addressed that there needs to be a make-up time provision.  Granted he may have gotten my thoughts from just asking but to see such strong language from him shows why it is important.

Thanks for lisenting!

[ForeverDad]

  Welcome Lycurgus, though it is a sad one.  Lives such are ours were never wished, not even imagined until there were no other option but to stand up for ourselves and our children.

So much of your post reminded me of my own early parenting years and then separation.  The initial worries that I was dealing with Post Partum when her behavior improved (for two months only) when she stopped nursing.  The destruction of our sense of self and equilibrium.  Her sending back the child in old clothes is a common report here.

A few things you didn't mention was when My ex demanded I apologize for every imagined slight repeatedly while she stopped apologizing.  I didn't have DV allegations either, well, not until years later.  I was recording when I had called 911 and my preschooler was sobbing in my arms by the time the police cars arrived.  After they spoke with both of us, one officer asked me to hand our son over to his mother and 'step away'.  I tried to comply but my son shrieked and clung tighter to me.  What kid won't go to his mother?  He ponder for several moments, said 'work it out' and they departed.  My lawyer later told me policy was to cart someone way in domestic dispute calls and he was surprised I wasn't taken to jail.  It took a couple years to figure it out but my son 'saved' me that day.  Since I had a recording of her threats that day she was arrested and faced a Threat of DV case.  That's why she instead started with abuse allegations.  They started mild - like I let him tip his bike at a local park and he hurt his elbow - but they quickly got more serious when she got more desperate.

We separated over a decade ago when recordings were generally ignored by the court and lawyers.  Besides, hard to use them when you had a half hour for a hearing.  However, as noted here the professionals surrounding court may be more willing to listen and watch.

I'm usually found over on the Family Law, Divorce and Custody board.  That is where we discuss those sorts of issues most.  I invite you to browse it.

One concern I have with the start small and gradually increase time approach is that it is too easy for her to delay its implementation.  I can almost guarantee allegations will come just before scheduled increases or hearings and delay the next steps by months.  I had a 5 month separation and 23.5 month divorce, I lived with alternate weekends for most of that time until I walked out with equal time in the final decree settlement.

Is this step by step schedule change going to be a court decision or is this a settlement?  A truism mentioned here is that generally the court's decisions are less unfair than any settlement terms we could get from the disordered Ex.

If at all possible, get similar visitation with both children.  That's normal.  It is good for their visits to be together.  Don't split them up.  And also don't cancel visits when the kids are ill.  She is not the default caretaker when the kids are ill.  Your time is your time and you can parent a sick child too.

[Lycurgus]

 Welcome Lycurgus, though it is a sad one.  Lives such are ours were never wished, not even imagined until there were no other option but to stand up for ourselves and our children.

So very true, and that very standing up is one of the things creating so much conflict.  I've got a long ways to go, but after I ask myself what do my kids need, my second question is this a peacekeeping choice, or a peacemaking one?  For too long I've gone with peacekeeping and that has hurt me and the kids.

So much of your post reminded me of my own early parenting years and then separation.  The initial worries that I was dealing with Post Partum when her behavior improved (for two months only) when she stopped nursing.  The destruction of our sense of self and equilibrium.  Her sending back the child in old clothes is a common report here.

A few things you didn't mention was when My ex demanded I apologize for every imagined slight repeatedly while she stopped apologizing.  I didn't have DV allegations either, well, not until years later.  I was recording when I had called 911 and my preschooler was sobbing in my arms by the time the police cars arrived.  After they spoke with both of us, one officer asked me to hand our son over to his mother and 'step away'.  I tried to comply but my son shrieked and clung tighter to me.  What kid won't go to his mother?  He ponder for several moments, said 'work it out' and they departed.  My lawyer later told me policy was to cart someone way in domestic dispute calls and he was surprised I wasn't taken to jail.  It took a couple years to figure it out but my son 'saved' me that day.  Since I had a recording of her threats that day she was arrested and faced a Threat of DV case.  That's why she instead started with abuse allegations.  They started mild - like I let him tip his bike at a local park and he hurt his elbow - but they quickly got more serious when she got more desperate.

We separated over a decade ago when recordings were generally ignored by the court and lawyers.  Besides, hard to use them when you had a half hour for a hearing.  However, as noted here the professionals surrounding court may be more willing to listen and watch.

I'm usually found over on the Family Law, Divorce and Custody board.  That is where we discuss those sorts of issues most.  I invite you to browse it.

One concern I have with the start small and gradually increase time approach is that it is too easy for her to delay its implementation.  I can almost guarantee allegations will come just before scheduled increases or hearings and delay the next steps by months.  I had a 5 month separation and 23.5 month divorce, I lived with alternate weekends for most of that time until I walked out with equal time in the final decree settlement.

Is this step by step schedule change going to be a court decision or is this a settlement?  A truism mentioned here is that generally the court's decisions are less unfair than any settlement terms we could get from the disordered Ex.

 We are going into med/arb with the same arbitrator who did the mandatory mediation last fall. The mediator flat out told me that she read the PRE report and the only reason it wasn't 50/50 right now is because of the age of our kids.  

While no guarantees, the language my lawyer is proposing is something like "On or before xx/xx/xx, son's parenting time with the father will increase to... ."  Then to appease my stbx there is likely going to be language about how such can submit in writing up to 30 days prior to an automatic increase as to why it shouldn't happen.  Same with the parenting plan for my daughter.  

If at all possible, get similar visitation with both children.  That's normal.  It is good for their visits to be together.  :)on't split them up.  And also don't cancel visits when the kids are ill.  She is not the default caretaker when the kids are ill.  Your time is your time and you can parent a sick child too.

 I totally agree, I'm not sure why the shrink recommended a 6 month delay with my daughter.  I'm sure people here won't be surprised to hear this, but my bond with my daughter is so much stronger then with my son.  I put a lot of it in not living with my stbx and her constant attacks on what I was doing with our son as being wrong.  So my hope is to take some of the 2 of us time and work just with us to be better together.  

Man, sometimes it seems like that these sort of relationships are all the same.  First the clothes and now the sickness.  Just a few weeks ago I dealt with the very issue of one of the kids being sick.  I flat out told my stbx that I could take just as good care of our kids as she could.  Her lawyer then accused me of being threatening and harassing.  My son missed almost 2 weeks with me and my daughter almost the same, though my stbx brought her once in the middle of it.  My lawyer has crafted language around sickness to try to protect the kids and I from this again.