Pandora's Box

[bravhart1]

SD8 who hasn't seen BPDm in 15 months has begun to open up.

She finally spoke about something that was and has been clearly troubling her.
Apparently BPDm told SD many times from the age of five on that DH was in fact not her "real" dad.

Now I don't think there is any merit to the statement, and it was told to her in an attempt to make SD believe she was only "truly" related and belonged to BPDm. Just an alienation tactic.
But it helps to understand why at times SD treated us like her captors.

Anyone else have this happen?  How do you take away that shadow of doubt for a child that's believed and kept hidden, this lie for so long?

[Deb]

I am sad to hear this because my SD's bio mom did this. She isn't BPD that I know of. In fact I believe she has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Anyway, SD was 15 and in juvenile detention. We visited her every other weekend. We didn't have a running vehicle and barely hd gas money  to make the 60 mile trip. But we did because we loved her and she needed us to be there. BM, must have been confronted on her excuses as to why she had never visited her, because she said "How do you even know he is really your dad?" SD was heartbroken. The facility called us and asked us to speak with her. They couldn't calm her down. My husband told her "You were my baby from the first time I saw you. You were my baby from the first minute I held you and that will never change." She asked if he wanted a blood test to be sure and he replied "I don't need a medical test to tell me you are my daughter. You are my baby and always will be."  She looks like my husband. She acts like my husband. And she has some physical features that can only come from him. Her mom was just threatened by her love for us because she needed her daughter to love only her.

Just reassure her that she is his daughter no matter what. When SD was older, she asked again and my husband told her "Well, besides the fact tht you look like me, the court have always said you were mine and child support had no problem coming to me for your support. You are my daughter no matter what anyone else could ever say."

[livednlearned]

BPDm told SD many times from the age of five on that DH was in fact not her "real" dad.

 

Oh, wow.

I'm guessing she believed it?

What a relief that must be for you she's opening up about that.

Nothing like that happened in my situation. N/BPDx did tell S15 that the only reason I had a baby was so I could get money, and that I had an affair and that's why the marriage ended. I just responded, "What do you think about all that?" and he seemed to pretty much have it sorted out, altho he seemed both angry and terribly sad about it at the same time, with some relief too.

[bravhart1]

When she finally opened up about it, she didn't think WE knew. ☹️

So ya, she believed it. And it has definately affected her ability to understand how come she ended up with us, and not her "real" family, as mom put it.

She has never been able to full allow herself to bond (in my opinion) to DH because of this, and she admitted to being heart broken when she learned this from mom. I sense she thinks we are just too naive or stupid to even allow ourselves to believe moms lie.

 Which is why it's so troubling, since she IS his daughter and it's not true. Her ability to believe the truth has been seriously hindered by all moms lies. I doubt there is a grown up she fully trusts with anything. Which has got to be very lonely.

[travelgirl2912]

WOW. This is awful. I'm so sorry!

Is there any way to get her into a therapist? My stepdaughter (10) has been seeing a therapist for a little over a year (part of a long-term strategy to help her gain the tools to deal with 1) being diagnosed with a learning disability last year, 2) dealing with a BM (who denies the LD), and 3) making sure she has the confidence to speak up for herself in a calm manner, instead of throwing herself on the floor and hitting her mom.

There is a big difference in her development of real vs. contrived, and her ability to trust adults has skyrocketed.

Is this an option for you and your family?

[bravhart1]

Yes, she has seen a therapist since she was four. She is an old pro. But mom has warned her off trusting any other adult except her, I'm hoping this may be the breakthrough in therapy we've been needing, a realization that WE(us and therapist) are the liars.

I think some of moms lies are becoming obvious now that SD is getting older and more savy, which is causing SD8 to question the legitimacy of some of these things mom also told her.

[Nope]

It'll be interesting to see over time what she decides to do in processing all of this. My SD started seeing her mom's lies at about that same age, but she ultimately felt that leaving the blinders on about her mom feels easier and safer then dealing with the hard feelings of not being able to trust her mom. Her counselor is actually pretty frustrated about how unwilling she is to ever point the finger at her mom for anything. Different kids unpack their baggage differently. Hopefully with enough time (and distance from her mom) your SD will be able to accept a different reality from the one her mom presented.

[Swiggle]

How terrible that your SD has been carrying this around. Reading all of this really made me think about my own situation with my step-kids and how I noticed a pretty big shift in their thinking about the same age as your SD and those who have posted. My SD from about 9 on really could see through her mom's lies and manipulations. She still doesn't confront her about them because she doesn't want to deal with the crying, tears, rage and guilt that mom throws her way but she definitely sees things for how they really are.

SS is 9 and his thinking has been changing, unlike his sister he doesn't share with us how he feels about things and carries around so much that I think one day, like you SD, he might finally be able to unload. My SS is much less vocal when things happen with mom but we see it. Once he brought some things to our house from his mom's. He went on to say he brought them because he didn't want them to go missing and that sometimes things that family gives him go missing. Mom and Step-dad tried to tell him, he must have lost them. I believe, and on some level I think SS does too, that they took them and sold them.

We know for a fact the mom took money from SD. SD had and account that had money from her communion that mom opened up when SD was young. This was while her and DH were married. She didn't add him to the account. Fast forward to after DH left and they got divorced, SD would look at the statements that came to the house. At one point she new there was close to $1500 in the account but once looked at the statement and it said the balance was only $80. She asked mom and mom said well, "your dad is the one on the account" you'll have to ask him. Dad explained that he in fact wasn't on the account and how banks worked with a minors account. I get that mom may have needed the money to "live" off of after they split but be honest. Instead she tried to make DH look like he took her money but it backfired and now SD doesn't trust her mom at all.

So sad what these kids go through.

[bunny4523]

that is so weird!  I heard my husbands ex did a similar thing with their daughter.  why... .why... .why would you do that to a child?  Is it so the bond betewen the BPD and child would appear "stronger" since the other parenting relationship isn't "real"?

[bravhart1]

There doesn't seem to be a limit to the boundries she won't bulldoze to get her way or "win".
It's quite disgusting.

I've come to discover that shame is not in her mothers dna. Hard to be a very good person without the ability to feel bad about the bad stuff you do. It was recently explained to me by a therapist that as good as they are at manipulating people, they manipulate them selves too, into not feeling bad about the crummy stuff they do. Makes sense.