Wife of BP in custody war with his BP ex needs survival techniques

[doublejeopardy]

BACKGROUND: In late 2012, about 18 months after amicably divorcing my first husband of 29 years, I became the 4th wife (oops) of an apparently resilient man who was brutally emotionally abused and controlled by his 3rd wife, who seems to be an HFBP with a LOT of narcissism and targeted sociopathic behavior, including  years of advance "divorce prep." His ex lives in a neighboring state with their children, of whom she has illegally claimed sole custody since 2013, denying all contact and visitation for over 4 years. The children, whom we saw for the first time in 4 years last fall during custody evaluations, are passively alienated teens now. This obviously compounds everything: his indescribable pain and difficulty maintaining employment, impossible financial strain, and perpetual no-win strain in our marriage. On the plus side, our MHP custody evaluator is strongly aware of the mother's hostile aggressive parenting behavior, and the delays in getting this far have provided an undeniable pattern of her behavior. 

I acknowledge I'm conditioned from birth as an enabler, and I'm trying to learn new ways of avoiding conflict other than giving up or caving in.  I'm also concerned that if we did gain custody of these teens, not much may change for them, other than geography, unless we can learn to cope and even thrive in our own BP-dominated household. My own combined DISC/Spiritual Gift testing indicated I have S/C personality with top spiritual gifts of mercy, discernment and encouragement. I realize that these are potential God-sends for modeling ways to help my new family heal and learn to love in more healthy ways, but my personality and past (domineering BP mom, had to eventually break up with her) make Enabling a constant risk for me.

I like me. I don't want to lose me, or disappear into an abyss of endless, pointless anger and conflict. I don't want to be numb the rest of my life. I don't want to get sucked into enabling--again. I'm in my mid-50s, with a strong faith in Christ and a desire to serve Him. But I resist the notion that being a submissive wife means enduring emotional blackmail or abuse. I just don't know how to help without hurting. My husband's emotions are just too raw, all the time, plus he displaces blame as naturally as breathing. I need tools and support. I am very isolated. I have nearly zero social life and my husband has major trust issues. He just walked through the room and accused me of working on divorce papers while he saw me typing on my laptop. Ironic.

I first read Eggshells a few years ago, trying to understand his ex's behavior and learn how best to cope with it. I'd love to find that magic trick that defuses misunderstanding and unnecessary conflict! (Wouldn't we all?) While recently rereading the book, I sadly realized that my husband matches his ex on nearly every HCPD indicator. I don't think he intentionally ever deceived me; I think his denial is as entrenched as her, and far less intentional. Also, there truly are good reasons why I fell in love with him, and I firmly believe that there is hope.

That's enough for this introduction! Thank you for reading this, and I look forward to the support we can give each other here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome to the board! ,

I'm glad you have found this site and are willing to get in and do the work to try to make things better in your marriage. We have so many great lessons on the right side of the page that can help begin making things better. Sadly though there is no instant fix, but as you practice some new communication techniques, you may find that you feel better about things.

Here is a link to the workshops:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

[isilme]

Hi there - been trying to think of something uplifting or helpful to write, but the situation is tough when kids are involved.

I don't think it's uncommon at all for two people with PDs to end up together.  Both my parents have PDs, and were a terrible match that ended quite violently before they finally divorced.  There was no custody battle for me, simply because my dad was the higher functioning of the two and my mother's history of prescription med abuse was on record in multiple states. 

So it should not be too big of a surprise that your H has emotional behaviors and problems just like his ex.  Also, if two pwBPD don't end up together, you often find a codependent and a pwBPD or a narcissist.  Based on how I was raised, it's a miracle I am pretty much just co-depdendent with some PTSD from it all, and no wonder that I found myself with a man with BPD.  He is at least milder overall than my parents, and I often feel that my "training" as a child set me up for this now.

I think you can be a good Christian wife and not be meekly submissive to the point of self-immolation.  God is there every day.  He knows what's happening, what makes you do what you do, and He also knows that blindly going along with bad behavior is not right.  So I feel setting boundaries is not going against your marriage vows in any way.

I saw on another post how you had a terrible blow up the past week.  The best you can do when that happens is to find a way to leave the room, house whatever you can.  Nothing we do will "make" our pwBPD act better.  We can just stop enabling them or going along with it.  Standing there and taking the abuse and rage only hurts you, and prevent the pwBPD from learning better coping skills.  And once you've separated from the rage, it's fine if they go sulk and give you the silent treatment.  They are processing their feelings, and as hard as it can be sometimes, they have a right to their feelings, just not to abuse others based on them.  If your H was on his computer, sulking, leave him alone.  When H and I have a fight and he dysregulates and I can't leave and can't escape the rage, but then is passes, I just don't make a deal out of it.  Bringing it up right away to "discuss" or try to talk about will more likely just trigger it again.  You will get a feel for when it's constructive to talk about things and when it's best just to get out of Dodge.  Look into validation, look into taking care of yourself.