First time/Introduction

[Areaya09]

Just looking for an outlet or safe space to talk to where I won't feel judged. Getting married to my fiance with BPD in August. It's been a roller coaster for the past 2 and half years, but I am dedicated to staying with her. She just started therapy and although the therapist hesitates to confirm a diagnosis between BPD and Bi-polar disorder but I am reading "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" and we both are confident about her having BPD. There really is no questioning the behaviors. It took over a year of struggles until she has finally agreed to see a therapist. I realize what a big step this is. Hoping for the best.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[johndude49]

I have been married for 26 years to an undiagnosed BPD wife.  Yes, walking on eggshells is a great book. I have read it several times and each time it helps me because I just keep saying in my head "yes, that's exactly what she does" and then it tells me what I should do and I try my hardest to do those things though I admit I resort to my own ideas sometimes and they don't ever work (like trying to talk her out of her line of reasoning instead of "validating her feelings" first and then responding). 

I hope that she follows through with the counseling.  Whenever my wife has agreed to counseling it usually only lasts a few sessions and then she quits because for a BPD anyone that tries to correct their way of thinking must have something against them.  Make sure it's a counselor who is trained to handle someone with BPD because if not they may make things worse.  For example, my wife went to someone who listened to her and validated all her emotions and encouraged her to follow her feelings (intuitions she called them) and believe them and that only caused havoc in our relationship. The counselor never met me and so she could simply believe that I was a jerk and "causing" all of this grief in my wife. 

Is your fiancé  admitting to maybe having BPD? If so, that is huge.  I could never get my wife to go far enough with a counselor to hear or accept that diagnoses.  If that is the case perhaps you've heard of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).  It is the best way to treat someone with BPD.  I highly recommend a counselor who is trained in this area.

Okay, those are my thoughts.  I hope it all works out

[Areaya09]

She seems to be more open to the diagnosis of having BPD then her therapist. Her therapist is new and also still getting hours for her degree. We were desperate to find counseling for free, so she is attending sessions at a school. I am weary of the skills of this therapist but I am just happy for anything right now. And it does seem to be helping, she is learning breathing exercises and learning to manage her anger.

I am trying to get into individual therapy myself. Since doing research about BPD I am realizing that all of my past relationships and even my parents had either some sort of high or low functioning BPD or narcissism. The skills from the book such as validating her feelings and reassuring are helping me with being able to calm her down when she's been triggered. But I am quickly realizing that the hard part for me is going to be setting boundaries and sticking to them. Just the thought of setting a boundary sends anxiety to my chest and I feel nauseous. I am worried that I may be reinforcing her outbursts, but I'm afraid to make them worse as well.

26 years is a long time. Do you have children together? It is my fiance's dream to have children, which obviously I am worried about. That's what convinced her to go to therapy in the first place. Her mother told her that she never wanted her to have children cause she was afraid of how they could be effected and it really set her off. I don't think her mother is aware of BPD, only her daughters behaviors.

Thanks for your suggestions about DBT. I am waiting to see what type of interventions her therapist provides and may suggest DBT if it comes up.

[johndude49]

Hi Areaya09

Sorry I haven't been online in a few weeks.  Life just gets busy and hectic and I can't seem to find time or a "place" away from my wife looking over my shoulder to logon.  I am glad to hear you have having some results from the counseling and I hope that it continues.  Time will tell. 

I definitely recommend getting some therapy for yourself if you can find it.  I love my counselor and I wish I could talk to him every week but he does this for a living so I need to pay him.  I wish there were more support groups (live ones) where we could talk with each other and at least support each other and maybe give each other some sound advice.

But talking to others is essential, even to have a few guys you can let it all out to.  I've told my wife I have a couple of prayer partners to whom I tell everything.  It does upset her some to know that I tell other people about the stuff she does that bothers me but she's accepted it.  I told her (and I honestly mean it) that talking to my friends makes me a better man and better able to love and support her.  Do you have any guys like this in your life?  I think it's good to have even if you don't have a BPD loved one but especially if you do.

As far as the children thing, as I understand it many BPD people have been great parents--but only so long as they are willing to balance their emotional state.  If they don't, they can do damage to their kids.  I am still assessing what's going on in my grown kids' (18,20,24, 25) emotions.  When they were little it was fine--they validated my wife and she validated them--she was a great mother when they were little.  But when they got into their tweens and teens things got more tense because they began to challenge her and sometimes would disrespect or reject her (like any kids might do).  So there were some stormy times during those seasons.  Despite the challenges, however, they have become great kids in many ways but they all seem to have a fragile emotional side.  I covered for my wife many times over the years when she was in a bad state saying, mom's not feeling well, mom has lots of health problems (which she does so it is not a complete lie) and I stepped in many times to try to balance the household, do positive things with the kids, and sometimes I even confronted her in front of them--saying something like, "hey, that is not right for you to talk to our child like that now I think you both should take a time out and then talk about this when you are both more calm."  This would work sometimes to keep arguing and fighting at a minimum.  So it can be done but you and her will need lots of support to do it right.

 Truthfully, had I known about my wife's condition before we were married I may not have married her (who knows, maybe if we had counseling then like you and your fiancé do, then we could have gotten off on the right foot and gone into this with both eyes wide open.). My wife is actually an incredible person with much value and with whom I have shared many great moments so I can't imagine what my life would have been like without her.  So you have to weigh the good and the bad and ask yourself if she is that incredible person you can't imagine being without and then asking yourself if you're willing to put in the work and put up with the pain of going forward.  The pain could be worth it.  You have to decide.  I can't tell you for sure how your future will shape up.

Let me know how it goes.