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GCSP
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« on: March 27, 2017, 02:33:20 PM »

My wife and I have been married for 26 years. We have 4 children, two adult males (25,23) and two 16yr old twin girls. Over the past two years there have been so many fights in the house its embarrassing to admit. Most of the fighting occurs over discipline with the girls. Although the girls are very good they just do not live up to my wife's standards. She was raised in a home where there was physical and mental abuse. Her Dad was a tyrant to the children making them work like farmhands and an infidel to his wife. Not a good guy to say the least. The funny thing is. Out side the home everyone loved him. While raising our sons we didn't have half as many disagreements. I believe it's because from childhood she has had a sense of fear of men. My wife has always had a certain resentment toward "men". She sometimes resents me for being the "MAN" of the household. If there is a decision to be made that is somewhat undecided I will step up, share my thought process and express why I have decided to go this direction. This is often met with "why?" because your the MAN?" in a sarcastic tone.
We have been attending Marriage counseling for several months. This is not our first go at the counseling. In 2004 we went through another bad spot. This time, our counselor appears to be a lot more in tuned and educated to thought processes and psychology. She has offered some good readings and been spot on with some of her assessments. About 6 weeks into it, during one session the counselor strongly recommended my wife consider EMDR therapy for childhood trauma she experienced. My wife immediately felt singled out and telling me on the drive home that "I always come out smelling like a rose". The counselor also indicated that "childhood trauma" can cause memory triggers to occur later in life. From my perspective the triggers would be consistent with my wife's short temper, name calling, demeaning comments, continuing with an argument for long periods, disrespect and violent by throwing objects.

For months I have been offering suggestions as to possible causes. For each suggestion, my wife feels like I am pointing all the blame to her.
1st suggestion; my wife's age (54), had her blood tested and there is no estrogen or progesterone. She refuses to take hormone replacement. She is using over the counter progesterone cream. No noticeable results.
2nd suggestion; my wife has been employed at a non profit for the past 2 years and has had personality conflicts with several staff members. She struggles with frustration from her job weekly. My suggestion was to find another job.
3rd suggestion; When she drinks in the evening (1 bottle wine, nightly) her personality and temperament change. She becomes loud, opinionated and argumentative. You can almost watch it change in front of your eyes. Refuses to Stop drink.  
4th suggestion; EMDR therapy. Although this was not my suggestion, I still take the heat for it. Therapy starts in April.

Last month my wife shared with me that she was feeling suicidal and "not wanting to be here anymore" This scared me... .I relayed this information to the counselor not knowing where else to turn. My wife met with the counselor the next day no knowing that I provided this information. We spoke in the evening and she told me that she told the counselor that she never said that she was suicidal. This was frustrating to me that she would do that. It has been a little over a month since then. The random weekly arguments continuing. My daughters avoid their mother at all costs, thinking they will avoid arguments this way. This week end we spent away. Friday evening she arrived very depressed and crying. She shared that she thought she was losing her mind. I did the best I could to comfort her and love on her. We enjoyed a great day on Saturday and into the evening. When she woke on Sunday she was feeling anxious about going home and she became very emotional again talking about how it would be easier with her not here. In the evening she consumed her bottle of wine and around 10:00 pm she started an argument with my daughters. I went into their room several times to defuse it and get her to quit.  Eventually she came to our bedroom only to continue to argue with me. I told her that I was going to look for some help with her suicidal thoughts. This morning I have been searching on the web and found myself here. I'm not sure if BPD fits my wife but it sure seemed close. Any suggestions with how to proceed with getting help for her, Myself and My Daughters would be appreciated.
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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2017, 07:47:32 AM »

Welcome to the forums,

post don't usually go unanswered, and I know we get anxious about it. We are all involved in our own conflicts, and we sometimes think people are better off without our opinion. Be patient and some experienced member will give you a pearl of wisdom.

You can start by reading the first steps on the right column, they are very usefull. It does sound similar to our problems with BPD people, and I believe those tools are useful no matter the diagnosis.

Let me congratulate you for your 26 years of marriage and raising 4 children into aldulthood. You wouldn't be here if you hadn't done many things right so far. I feel a bit stupid offering you some advice, as you sure have a lot more experience than myself. But I hope something is useful to you.

If your strategies make her feel that you are blaming her, that's her reality (perception is reality). I'm sure this is not your goal, so you have to stop doing something that is not working, even if it seems the logical option. You want her to know you care about her suffering, you want her to know you are on her team. Those "causes" make her conect less with her true feelings/center/goals. You can help her find her center, not by pointing out solutions (this way you are pointing out her inability to find them herself, she feels useless), but mostly by lowering her levels of stress. And we are not always able to do much about that, but sure we can be more aware about what we do that increases their stress, listen and watch, be in the moment... .And change that.

My GF is aware and resentful about her being the "disordered" and me being "so balanced and close to perfection", that hurts her. So I try my best not to be on her way, or in any situation it might point out contrast between us. I have to choose very carefully the moments I can offer a sugestion, or help. And many times say nothing because I know she wouldn't take it well in that moment. Many times I would just offer her validation about her frustrations, her pain... .And wait for another moment to say what I am thinking it might help. And I have to do it very carefully not to sound condescending, because she is so smart, she would pick it up and tell me to stop "shrink tricks" with her. But she really needs to be listened to and validation, so even if I think sometimes she would "catch me" on saying so obvious validation lines, she takes them as chicken soup in a cold day.

Since I've been here, there has been some slow progress, and really nice good moments with her that were almost forgotten. We have to be a better soil, and water them, so her seeds of improvement can sprout, but we don't make that, they do. I have this concept clear, as a massage therapist, I help bodies to heal themselves, I'm not the one healing anything, I just make it easier for it to heal itself.

That's a lot of drinking... .But she must feel it is her only comfort, and she must fear the idea of living without that "help". She needs to know you understand this. And her fear about looking for another job when she feels she has nothing to offer.  You can't quit any of those for her, it has to come from her, she must be empowered by changing her own life, not taken care off, as if she wasn't capable. Your job here, at first, is to let her know you understand how difficult it is, and how she is suffering. And later, that you are available for her, only in case she wants to reach out to you. Not as a problem solver. I'm sure you see the difference.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
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Shane87

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« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2017, 02:45:37 PM »

GCSP,

Married over 18 years here.  I feel your pain.

Re-writing history isn't uncommon for someone who suffers from BPD.  My wife has done it many times.  Depending on who she is speaking to and the narrative she desires to convey, she may deny that the incident ever happened (accusing me of hallucinating it) or admit to it with an attached explanation that she believes will justify her behavior while vilifying someone else.  Remember, a common characteristic of BPD is an inability to accept accountability.

I will disagree slightly with JoeBPD81.  I've done the "try to lower her stress" thing.  All it accomplished was make me feel accountable for her emotional state of being.  It made me a doormat and empowered her to continue verbally abusing me.

The fact that her perceptions feel real to her doesn't mean that you must accept accountability for something that you haven't actually done.  IMO, it's fine to acknowledge that she feels a certain way.  That way you aren't invalidating her feelings.  But that doesn't mean that you are required to accept responsibility for something you haven't done.  It's perfectly fine to say that you feel differently or have a different perception of your own.


What has worked for me is not providing fuel for her dysregulation.  That means that when she tries to blame or argue or play the victim, I either don't respond at all -or- I play it down as if it isn't a concern to me.  The exception to this would be a threat of suicide.  I'd ask the counselor what to do in that case.  Personally, I'd want to contact the authorities on the spot.
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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2017, 03:38:01 PM »

You are right.

I  don't mean lower her stress as opposed to talking care of your own needs, or setting boundaries. Just as a focus different than "changing her mind so she'll see the light".  Before I would spend a day or two in a stupid circular argument, both getting angrier and angrier,  me because I didn't see a reason to be angry in the first place... .And that never help, not her, not me. Now, as you say, I  can just stop talking, or say what I want or need and go do it. And much sooner, the issue is over.

Before, I always ended up apologizing, because the matter had caused us so much pain, and all I wanted was to be OK with her. Now I go live my life, and she either forgets or she comes and apologizes.

I am not responsible of her stress levels, mostly ever.  I don't think you should feel responsible. It's just a thing to have in mind for when you wonder what can you do to help.
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Shane87

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« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2017, 04:19:21 PM »

JoeBPD81,

I feel your pain.  I, too, would so often apologize and accept responsibility for everything in the hopes of de-escalating situations.  What I didn't recognize for years, despite good intentions, was how I was enabling her to manipulate and control me.

One of the biggest challenges was changing that dynamic.  The moment I stopped apologizing or accepting responsibility, the accusations and corresponding emotional outbursts were dialed up significantly.  That was also when she began "proxy recruiting" in order to bring me back under her thumb.

The solution was to diffuse the emotion and accusations by my playing them down or ignoring them altogether.  My not behaving defensively became my best defense.  Simultaneously, I looked for ways to compliment any positive accomplishments or behaviors from her.  The goal was to reinforce the good while diffusing the bad.

The proxy recruitment, sadly, required my limiting contact (and by extension, friendship) with certain neighbors.  When they seek involvement, I make it clear that they are free to interact with my wife to their heart's content, but they don't get to interact with me except where I allow it.  It boils down to boundaries that I establish and enforce.
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