Relapse

[JJacks0]

I haven't posted in a while but I've started to feel a little set back again lately. I see that there are a lot of different users on here so just to recap, my ex and I were together for 7 years. We have now been living apart for a year, broken up for 8 months now and we haven't spoken in nearly 5 months.

Detaching has been a roller coaster, but I've been pretty consistent until the past few days. Now I'm really missing her again. While there were unquestionably some horrible moments, she was a sweetheart to the core 90% of the time. It's just that the other 10% was SO intense and anxiety-inducing. But it's easy to forget that because it was less frequent. Those terrible times were certainly impactful, but they are not in my every day memories of her. On an average day she was incredibly loving, caring, empathetic, and fun. I've never met anyone as sweet as her in those moments. That's what I'm really grieving for right now. I miss that so much. 8 months seems like a long time, but I can so vividly recall everything about her, and visualizing it is so painful when it's nothing but a memory. I would have thought that missing her so much would make it feel like she's been away longer, but it actually is the opposite. I can't even believe that it's been so long. I could so easily fall right back into place with her, to me this happened last week. I don't know what that indicates - if I've done a poor job of actually "moving on", or what. But it's absolutely surreal to me that this much time has passed.

It hurts that she hasn't tried to contact me at all even though I'm sure most people think that's best. But I don't understand it and it makes me feel like she's forgotten about me and that I don't matter to her anymore.

And finally, I just worry about her. The caregiver in me wants to know that she's okay. I know that she is overall - I saw that she has a vacation planned with friends soon. But in daily moments like when she's at home alone at night... .I just want to know she's okay then too. I guess that's hard to shake. I just know how good she is at hiding things and keeping them inside. I'd hate to think she was suffering quietly alone. I know I need to let these things go. Mentally detaching is so much harder than physically. I've ceased contact, but my mind is just obsessed with hope. Lately I've seen a few couples that I know in on and off relationships getting back together and I hate to say it, but I envy them. It must be quite the feeling to be back together after so long, even if it does eventually go sour again (had to include that since I know that's the reality for some). I wish I could shake the wishful thinking. It's probably not realistic.

[UnforgivenII]

I miss him too. So much. But I remember how reality was.
I am helped by the fact that he is NOT alone at night.
They are an addiction and recovery from.addiction is not a linear process.
You broke up for a reason.
And as simple and as cruel as it sounds, they do not reach out to us because they do not want to.
 

[JJacks0]

I just don't understand why they don't want to. Seems like so many people have the opposite problem, where their ex won't leave them alone. In a messed up way, that's easier for me to understand.

[abraxus]

Have you tried to contact her at all? If so how, how often, and in what context, and how did she respond?

[Rayban]

You put a lot of emphasis on her well being, what about yours?

I could have, I should have ... .Maybe if ... .she's moving along and left you with the legacy of pinning for her. What's the big picture here? She accepting you into her club of orbiters?

Sorry for my bluntness, but I've been through all of this, and pursuing it, only brought me months of misery. 

[JJacks0]

Abraxus,

Our last interaction was in early November. We had hung out a couple times in October as friends, and were chatting occasionally over text/on the phone. I asked if she wanted to come visit me at work (I work at a bar) and she said that she probably would the following week. She never did and I never heard from her. I did not follow up with her either, primarily because their has been a disproportionate amount of effort given and I needed to see her care too (though it seems like she doesn't). I did message her a very straight to the point "happy birthday" on social media in January, to which she said "thank you", but that's been the extent of it. Just think it's really odd how silent she fell. I mean I know it may sound like I didn't do anything either but trust me, I'd been putting forth a lot more effort to maintain communication the entire time so at a certain point I just feel pathetic.

Rayban,

I don't mind the bluntness, I need to hear it. Mind if I ask what happened in your case?

[blueblue12]

 Hey JJ,
It's so hard, I went NC for two months and after responding to a message she went full on! We finally met after she hassled me for a few days, she cried for ten minutes straight, we made up and had an amazing first day... .after that it went a little problematic again and I am now thinking NC might be the go again. It's so hard we love them so much but they have ingrained issues which are hard to get rid of. I haven't spoken to her for a few days now after a few arguments but I miss her like crazy, that's my borderline! I so wish she was normal, she is so beautiful and a gem but! Wish you all the best... .

[abraxus]

Abraxus,

Our last interaction was in early November. We had hung out a couple times in October as friends, and were chatting occasionally over text/on the phone. I asked if she wanted to come visit me at work (I work at a bar) and she said that she probably would the following week. She never did and I never heard from her. I did not follow up with her either, primarily because their has been a disproportionate amount of effort given and I needed to see her care too (though it seems like she doesn't). I did message her a very straight to the point "happy birthday" on social media in January, to which she said "thank you", but that's been the extent of it. Just think it's really odd how silent she fell. I mean I know it may sound like I didn't do anything either but trust me, I'd been putting forth a lot more effort to maintain communication the entire time so at a certain point I just feel pathetic.

To be honest, if you're trying to detach then, as hard it may seem, you're doing the right thing.

It sounds like you'll always have to be the one to reach out, and put in more effort to keep any interaction going, which just drags you down. Sure, she may respond and be friendly again, but then what does that achieve? You'll just be back to square one, when you want her to make a bit more effort and she doesn't.

Try to look at the positives, in that you seem to have broken up on good terms, and remained friendly. Many people would be very grateful for that given some of the drama, hatred and bitterness they endured.

Think of it like this, a normal break up may start a bit difficult then, when emotions cool down, two people can be friendly and maintain contact, and then they gradually drift apart. It's part of the healing process, and that's the path you've gone. Like most things though, it can be just be more accelerated for someone with BPD.

It doesn't sound like you didn't do anything either, in fact you did more than enough. You're right, effort should be equal, and when it's not then it's not healthy. So, you have just keep on going, and gradually let go, although not checking her social media would help too.

[Rayban]

What happened in my case is that I went back accepted to be recycled cause I missed her.  I knew full well at this point that this wasn't healthy for both of us, but I trudged on.

Basically at that point we were friends with benefits.  I enjoyed amazing sex in exchange I got her telling me about other guys she's seeing, and how all this was my fault.

I just felt foolish having wasted my time, energy and we'll being knowing full well what the end result would be which was a permanent break up. She moved on doing what she does and I was left stuck with regret of going back to a relationship that could never work.

[wellwellwell]

I could have written your first post. The last year has been similar for me, even to the months apart and time since contact was cut off. I don't know much detail of your situation, and can't access previous posts to check, but have you read 10 beliefs that can get you stuck in the Lessons section? It feels like some of them may help. They reassured me. Cutting off contact is normal for your ex in a way that it isn't for you. Absence won't make their heart grow fonder, sadly.

I can identify with the intense pain months on - it took me a long time to get through that. For me, it was a lack of normal closure. The relationship didn't really change or end, it just entered a phase where my ex was extremely angry every time we spoke and then blocked my number after screaming at me on the phone. It was an abandonment that created a very different cycle from a breakup. No-one I spoke to except close friends who happened to be therapists understood. It makes looking for support a high-risk activity sometimes.

I don't do much (any) social media, so it was probably easier for me to just close my Facebook account. I've come to understand that expecting anything I'd think or feel of my ex, even any ongoing emotional connection, is a misleading expectation that will only cause me more pain. That doesn't stop me caring for her, but I accept that that's my choice, and I make sure that I separate it from any expectation that she'd understand why or appreciate it. By the end she just didn't trust me, and there was almost nothing I could have done to stop or change that. Accepting that helped me start to create a boundary between my grief and any interaction with her.

I hope this helps. I don't know much about your situation, so forgive me if I have anything wrong.

[Grey Kitty]

  It is good that you can be as open as this about missing what was wonderful in your r/s with her.

It is OK to want that, yearn for that, miss that.

You do know better than to believe you can get that back with her w/o the part that destroyed you in the whole package... .if she even did offer you a chance to recycle, which she isn't.

None of that changes the yearning. And none of that changes that what you are yearning for is worth it! ('Tho not with her!)

Believe that you will find somebody else to love. Somebody who will treat you better than she ever did. You aren't ready for that today... .but when you are ready, I'm betting you will be amazed at how quickly things start to happen.

[lovenature]

Hey JJ

You know that "normal" relationships are far different than BPD. Don't forget the intense pain you have gone through, I know how tough it is to stay away when the caretaker in you/us wants to sooth their pain, but the most compassionate thing you can do for both of you is to remain NC.