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Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
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Topic: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help (Read 1222 times)
stamusic
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Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
on:
March 29, 2017, 10:04:38 AM »
My girlfriend and I had been together for just over 8 months, and it was by far an incredible 8 months. Just last week she had told me she loves me with everything and wants to marry me one day, then after 3 days, she was very cold saying she only has little feelings for me now and they are not as strong as they used to be. This absolutely kills me. Although at the same time I do not believe her.
She had broken up with me, showing a very mean side of her that I have never seen and never ever thought she would show towards me, as if these 8 months meant absolutely nothing to her.
She’s not abusive, though does have a temper and I manage to calm her pretty well, to the point she switches back to being fun and bubbly instantly. She has been in therapy for a couple years now and I guess slowly adapting to the skills she is taught - she’s veryyy stubborn.
The twist is, a couple months ago her and I had gone to one of my friends party, had farrrr too much to drink and we both ended up having a threesome with one of my trustworthy friends. She did not at any point tell me she was uncomfortable with this and us both being too drunk, we went along with the night. At the time I still didn’t feel her BPD was as strong as it is and would NEVER have gone through with that night if I knew it would have messed with her head as much as it has.
Since then she has made jokes about it and I figured she feels the same as me thinking ‘just one funny, regrettable night - no big deal. We won’t do it again’. But when she broke up with me she was very blunt and cold saying “that night has just screwed with my head too much - I don’t think we can go back from this”. She's now deleted all pictures of us on Instagram and Facebook, and we haven't spoke since then which was about 4 days ago.
I am so very deeply in love with her and the thought of leaving her for good kills me and more. We planned a big future, holidays, pets, a wedding, even children so surely she did/does have deep feelings for me and this rejection is part of the ‘push-pulling/black-white’ I have read about.
I really believe she’s the one I was meant to spend my future with. She’s my best friend and we connect in every way possible - we make each other laugh beyond belief, we motivate each other, and have such intimate personal conversations.
I am willing to stand by her and show her I am not going to abandon her, and since the break up I have been researching so much on BPD.
My questions are:
Has she really fallen out of love with me/or ever in love with me? (this one is the most important to me, since I can understand whether I am sticking around for the right reasons)
Has that regrettable night permanently ruined the relationship and her feelings towards me?
Will she give me another chance and let me work through her BPD with her?
I really would appreciate no comments mentioning if I should just leave her and run, or anything similar. I understand my options and for now, my choice is to understand what she's going through and see if there's a chance. I KNOW she can recover from this and if I can be there with her on this journey, I'm gonna hold on tight.
Big big thank you for your time and response!
Huge hugs,
- S
xo
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #1 on:
March 29, 2017, 10:18:06 AM »
hi stamusic and
it is clear you love this girl, and youre on the right track with researching about BPD. i strongly suggest you dig in to the lessons and tools directly to the right -------> as part of that research - research about BPD alone will only get you so far, we all have a role in these relationships, and so often our instincts lead us to make things worse.
i have my doubts that the hookup at the party was what killed things, by itself. it may help to know that our partners tend to experience the relationship differently than we do, and be on a different page, unknown to us. theres a lot boiling under the surface we may never be privy to, or that surfaces later to our surprise.
as to whether there will be another chance, there are no guarantees, but we can help you play your best cards, and the knowledge you gain in the meantime will be of great use to you regardless.
people with BPD can be fickle. as you say, she was telling you she wanted to marry you, and then three days later very cold. the feelings she expresses are very real at the time, but they are subject to change. and they are subject to change again after that. given the opportunity, its up to you to be strong, confident, and not get swept up in the back and forth feelings - that is the nature of this disorder.
you mention shes been in therapy a couple years. what kind of therapy, do you know? is she diagnosed?
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
stamusic
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #2 on:
March 29, 2017, 10:32:04 AM »
Hey once removed!
Thanks for getting back to me.
It's very confusing with what she says about her feelings for me - whether it's her talking or her BPD talking.
She has been officially diagnosed with BPD, and is currently doing DBT.
Thanks,
S
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #3 on:
March 29, 2017, 10:38:27 AM »
Quote from: stamusic on March 29, 2017, 10:32:04 AM
whether it's her talking or her BPD talking.
try not to separate the two. BPD is a personality disorder. it is deeply ingrained in her personality. i used to trip myself up thinking any outburst or difficult behavior were just "episodes" shed "snap out of". that doesnt mean the disorder is the entirety of her personality or humanity, far from it; but it colors her world view, her belief system about herself and others. try to avoid dismissing things she says as the disorder talking, it will trip you up repeatedly.
DBT is essentially the "therapy of choice" for BPD, so thats good news. do you know what led her to seeking therapy? has she spoken to you much about her struggles with the disorder and/or therapy?
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
abraxus
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #4 on:
March 29, 2017, 10:55:18 AM »
My thoughts are that the threesome isn't the issue.
I'd guess that the trigger was talking about getting married. That's a huge commitment point that scares the hell out of someone with BPD, and so it caused her to bolt.
Having bolted she needs to justify it in her head, and the only way she can do that is to convince herself she doesn't have feelings for you. Of course she can't, and so uses the threesome as a reason.
In my experience it's pretty common, not just with BPD, but in any break up where there are strong feelings. The dumper needs to justify her actions to herself, and so puts obstacles in the way, and seeks to devalue you. I know people consider this a BPD trait, but I can tell you it's not exclusive, and very common. It's just more extreme in BPD.
Who knows whether you can get her back. Probably, and I'd be surprised if you didn't get opportunities, but whether you succeed, and can keep her back, is entirely down to you.
I can tell you one thing though, and that's if you believe she's "the one" for you, and the only person you're meant to be with, then you'll fail, either now or further down the line.
It may feel that way, but it's not true, and is entirely irrational. In order to succeed you need to be grounded in reality, and that reality is that she may be great, but she's just one of countless options to you, and just happens to be the one you prefer right now.
That may seem blunt, and you may not believe it, but it's the truth. To stand any chance you need to be rock solid and totally in control of your own emotions. By all means go after what you want, but understand that that's what it is, a want, a desire, but not a need.
Do not under any circumstances chase, beg or plead. Even if it works in the short term it will give her a huge upper hand, that she'll destroy you with in the long term. Not deliberately, or even consciously, it's just the way it is.
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stamusic
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #5 on:
March 29, 2017, 11:01:48 AM »
She does speak often of her struggles. She's very open with me which is amazing since she's aware of her actions and emotions.
It all pretty much began being taken seriously those 2 years ago, where her mother told her to visit someone where she was then diagnosed with BPT. From then, she's been doing one on one and group sessions. She hates it and does complain and sometimes might not speak much at all in the group sessions, but she never misses a session and WANTS to go to them.
Anything else I could do to perhaps motivate her? She gets very lazy and unmotivated and a lot of time says she wants to give up. I have offered to go to sessions with her but she doesn't feel comfortable which I understand.
What can I do?
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #6 on:
March 29, 2017, 11:11:16 AM »
i wouldnt overly involve myself in her therapy or motivating her. why? primarily because it needs to be something that she maintains her own focus and motivation in. it takes that for it to work. "support" can get very messy... .she will sense you are treating her as a project, it puts the focus of the relationship on her issues, where it shouldnt be.
that doesnt mean you cant be supportive. positive reinforcement goes a long way.
this is a great workshop from the Improving board on positive reinforcement as a communication tool:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103822.0
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
stamusic
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #7 on:
March 29, 2017, 12:52:03 PM »
Great thank you!
I'm currently just waiting for her to contact me first and not contact her at all at the moment to give her space (if she wants to contact me). That's good, right?
If she does, how should I communicate with her right at the beginning of her talking to me again?
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #8 on:
March 29, 2017, 01:03:34 PM »
Quote from: stamusic on March 29, 2017, 12:52:03 PM
I'm currently just waiting for her to contact me first and not contact her at all at the moment to give her space (if she wants to contact me). That's good, right?
it is good. its strong of you, and its respectful to her. its been four days, right? you dont necessarily want to wait forever, but if shes in the process of deleting stuff, now is not the time.
Quote from: stamusic on March 29, 2017, 12:52:03 PM
If she does, how should I communicate with her right at the beginning of her talking to me again?
its hard to be specific, because it depends on the manner in which she contacts you. the general advice would be light, cool, confident, and without pressing her for details or relationship talk. you can certainly post if she contacts you and we can help walk you through it. if you havent heard from her in two to three weeks i might reach out - but try not to put your life on hold in that meantime.
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
stamusic
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #9 on:
March 29, 2017, 01:13:09 PM »
thank you abraxus!
This was great insight and gave me a really clear understanding of why she says certain things
I'm ofcourse very open to new relationships, but I personally feel in my gut I shouldn't just leave after our first breakup. If I feel she isn't progressing the way that's best for her to become a better version of herself and gets more stubborn and lazy about it, then yes I will have to move on and understand my own happiness is important.
But for now, she is very aware of what she does and really wants to go to her therapy sessions.
I have had giant realisations noticing how I was quite a big push-over in the relationship, but now it's time to show my true confidence and stand my ground.
Big thank you
)
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stamusic
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #10 on:
March 29, 2017, 01:18:38 PM »
Great, really appreciate it Once Removed
)
Usually if I'm distancing myself from her she'll contact me first with an extra mushy "I miss you , what you up to?"
Either that, or a blunt straight to the point "Hey"
She seems at the angry stage too, so I'm definitely distancing myself haha. If it's been 2 weeks with no contact whatsoever (I don't feel she would delay it this long), I will of course reach out to you also
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #11 on:
March 29, 2017, 01:31:33 PM »
Quote from: stamusic on March 29, 2017, 01:18:38 PM
Usually if I'm distancing myself from her she'll contact me first with an extra mushy "I miss you , what you up to?"
Either that, or a blunt straight to the point "Hey"
thats gonna be much easier to be light and cool with. youd say what youre up to (this is why you want to actually be "up to stuff", and you might take "i miss you" as an opportunity to connect. and she might or might not say no. "be cool" if she does.
"hey" in this situation seems more likely. id go with something like "whats up" in that case.
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
stamusic
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Posts: 53
Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #12 on:
March 29, 2017, 01:50:16 PM »
If she were to say she misses me and loves me, how can I respond without pushing her too far into the push/pull-black/white moments?
Because obviously I miss her and love her like mad, but how much of telling her this is too much for her?
Sorry for so many questions - I'm so new to this and you've been amazing helping me out!
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #13 on:
March 29, 2017, 02:08:30 PM »
its why we are here. ask away
i would respond to it with lightly, maybe affectionately (distinguish from romantically). not coldly, and not with phony confidence either. "i miss you too" is fine.
it wont be about magic words though. the point is that people with BPD can be fickle. she may come barreling with i love yous and i miss yous, and not prepared to follow up on them. that can get confusing for both of you. if she misses you, youre up for seeing her, if shes not, youre cool with that.
i should add that im getting ahead of things, and you dont want to spend every moment trying to be twenty steps ahead. suit this advice to you, your style, what youre comfortable with, and what you know of her. a confident stamusic will know what to do/not do.
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
stamusic
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Posts: 53
Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #14 on:
March 29, 2017, 02:22:36 PM »
Great, that's simple enough
It's all so strange this week haha. Went from being fine to her blocking me on every social network site, but she keeps checking when I was last online on whatsapp.
I've never learnt so much information in all my life
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abraxus
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #15 on:
March 29, 2017, 02:49:49 PM »
Quote from: stamusic on March 29, 2017, 01:50:16 PM
If she were to say she misses me and loves me, how can I respond without pushing her too far into the push/pull-black/white moments?
Because obviously I miss her and love her like mad, but how much of telling her this is too much for her?
Once Removed is spot on.
How to respond will vary according to each interaction, and so specific advice depends on specific details. However, as a general guide, mirror, either more or less, depending on what she says. So, if she's being positive, ie pulling you towards her, then mirror her by being positive back, but just a little less, If she's being negative, and pushing you away, then mirror and pull back too, but just a little more. Don't go too much either way, and base it on what you already know of her.
Try not think of the BPD too much, as it doesn't necessarily create new behaviours, and more often just exaggerates normal ones. For example, most women will pull away if you show too much attention or chase, and they'll do the same if you're too aloof or distant. However, they have a band in the middle which they're comfortable with, and it's just that for BPD girls that band is much narrower.
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stamusic
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #16 on:
March 29, 2017, 03:46:02 PM »
Amazing, thank you both so much!
If I think of anymore questions, I hope it will be okay for me to just respond to this chat here
For now, I play the waiting game, read the resources and work on myself
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abraxus
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #17 on:
March 29, 2017, 04:16:33 PM »
Yes, play the waiting game, but look out for signs.
She may reach out when ready, but equally might be afraid to out of fear of rejection, so it's a tough call. If she reposts pictures then that's a good sign, and may be her way of opening the door a little without risking herself too much. Don't respond to it too quickly, maybe a day or so later.
The problem is that if you push too far, or too fast, she'll feel pressured and back off, but if you pull too far away she might feel abandoned and withdraw. So, if she opens the door, tread carefully, with something light, and see how she responds.
Equally, if she makes contact, then don't be too enthusiastic, be warm and friendly, but not too eager. It's really about finding the right balance, that shows you'll be persistent, but not needy or clingy.
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stamusic
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Posts: 53
Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #18 on:
March 30, 2017, 10:54:54 AM »
Hey folks.
My girlfriend has just said to me that she's arranged for somebody to collect her stuff from my place this weekend. This is killing me right now.
Can you give me some insight?
Thanks
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #19 on:
March 30, 2017, 12:14:45 PM »
i can understand this would hurt. what, specifically, are you looking for insight on?
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stamusic
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Posts: 53
Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #20 on:
March 31, 2017, 08:09:47 AM »
I guess I am simply confused as to whether she wants me to stay in her life as her partner. Once she had sent me the texts regarding her picking up her belongings, she texted me this an hour later:
GF: Im just in a really foul mood and if i talk to you ill end up being a ___ and i dont mean to be
GF: Sorry
ME: That’s more than fine, honest! Just know when you are ready and comfortable, always here
GF: I just think its easier for us both if we dont talk tbh sorry
ME: I understand, it’s okay
GF: If we carry on talking its gonna be harder to move on
ME: Okay, that’s fair. I’m just focusing on work and not thinking about relationships for a long while. So as a friend, it’s okay to talk to me... whether in a few months or years
GF: Thats up to you whether you get into a relationship or whatever to be honest. But thanks, same to you
ME: Cool, all good then. Just take care, beaut xo
... .Then an hour later she sends me this.
GF: Im sorry im being a dick
GF: I dont mean it ok
GF: But its best for us both to go our seperate ways
GF: I have a really short temper at the moment and im just easily annoyed
ME: You’re not being a dick, never have been. You’re going through loads and have a lot on your plate, I get that. I’ll never understand fully, but that’s okay too. You’ve never done anything wrong, promise
GF: Ive been really cold and nasty to you
GF: You dont deserve that
GF: Im still here for you as a friend but you just need some time to move on, and i do too
ME: I know, That's really sweet of ya. You're the most considerate and beautiful person I'll ever know, inside and out
GF: Im not though
GF: I just cant help being a ___ lately
GF: Its not just to you though
GF: Ive been the same to everyone
ME: It's just how you're feeling. The way you're expressing your feelings doesn't define you as a ___
ME: It's okay to let out how you feel
GF: My mum knows i can be such a cold person at times, but i dont mean it ... .and ill beat myself up over it later
ME: I understand that, it's just how you feel and it's okay that you can't help how you act out. It's nothing you should beat yourself up about, you're allowed to express yourself
ME: The most important thing is that you're working on yourself and know that you WILL be the person you want to become one day
GF: Just dont ever think i hate you
GF: As cold as i can be
GF: I dont
ME: Believe me, I know
ME: Im too cute for you to ever be hateful towards me
GF: Hahah
After ANOTHER hour, she begins sending me funny random photos and I sent her some back. We then ended the night with simply some '' and 'smiley face' emojis.
So, yes I am giving her space but clearly she's so upset that she is hurting me, tells me we both need to move on yet keeps reaching out to me.
What's your thoughts?
Also, did I communicate well with her? I've been working hard at approaching the empathy and validation skills I have read about. Hope I wasn't too patronising.
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #21 on:
March 31, 2017, 10:19:33 AM »
you did well
you were cool, and you didnt beg, chase, or plead, or even argue. thats great. must have been really hard.
try not to soothe her, though. why? feelings = fact. if she feels like a ______, in her mind, she is. if you argue, try to dissuade her otherwise, call her a beautiful/considerate person, it does not ring true to her. it may even come off as insincere. personally i wouldnt tell her youre not thinking about relationships. its okay to dangle a bit of mystery, plus its none of her business. you recovered that nicely too.
you didnt harp on any of that, or anything, just stuff for future reference. you made nothing worse here, and you are likely perceived by her (someone with a fear of rejection) as easy to approach. your confidence showed. nice ending too.
pull back emotionally about 10-15 degrees. shes clearly finding comfort in reaching out to you. you want to leave her wanting a bit more though. if she knows youre available to send pictures and emojis to, that will likely satisfy her, and then it will stop, and things will go quiet.
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
stamusic
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Posts: 53
Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
«
Reply #22 on:
March 31, 2017, 10:38:11 AM »
Brilliant! Feels like a slight success haha.
She does put herself down often calling herself mean names, this being a good example. How can I answer that kind of context without soothing her and not making her feel as if she's wrong though? It's so tricky haha
You say to pull back emotionally in which for her to want more, so basically I become stone cold? Obviously being empathetic and showing validation when her and I do communicate, but do I make her feel as if I'm not interested in her romantically?
Or a good way of putting it... Do I play hard to get?
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
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Reply #23 on:
March 31, 2017, 10:58:02 AM »
Quote from: stamusic on March 31, 2017, 10:38:11 AM
You say to pull back emotionally in which for her to want more, so basically I become stone cold?
no, not at all. just think of it this way: do you want your relationship with her to consist of her sending you emojis and random pictures?
if im reading you right, you dont want to be just friends. thats friend stuff.
empathy and validation are great, and tools you need to be learning, but i would not focus much on them in these communications, just think more along the lines of "dont be invalidating". dont argue with her feelings. that doesnt mean accepting her apology either, that might be a dangerous form of validation
. something as simple as "i understand" works fine.
Quote from: stamusic on March 31, 2017, 10:38:11 AM
but do I make her feel as if I'm not interested in her romantically?
Or a good way of putting it... Do I play hard to get?
there is some truth to that, but dont "play" anything. i know some of this can feel like game playing. theres a difference between game playing and good strategy. if its just games, youll slip up, she will see through it.
again, if i read you right, you
are
interested in her romantically, and romance is your goal. you dont want to over pursue. but you dont want to be led to being just friends, and thats what id emphasize. youre distracted. youre living your life, working, digging into hobbies, hanging out with friends, meeting new people (do these things) your life is blossoming. if she wants to be part of that, you want her to be, but youve got too much going on to get caught up in light friendship stuff. thats the attitude to shoot for, i think, but it cant be faked, so make it reality.
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
stamusic
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 53
Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
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Reply #24 on:
March 31, 2017, 11:14:34 AM »
All sounds good to me!
Basically I am keep conversations simple and short without diving into the topic of 'feelings' or anything 'mushy' that could cause her to paint me black once again.
Second part sounds great also. I do have such great opportunities with work happening in my life right now, so I will live MY life to it's fullest. And as you say, if she wants to join in of course I would never stop her.
I am a very 'mushy' partner naturally and feel there's nothing better than telling/showing someone how much you love and appreciate them... So this is extra difficult for me to tone this down completely haha
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
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Reply #25 on:
March 31, 2017, 11:27:35 AM »
i was just catching up in your other thread, and Meili is giving you rock solid advice as well.
Quote from: stamusic on March 31, 2017, 11:14:34 AM
Basically I am keep conversations simple and short without diving into the topic of 'feelings' or anything 'mushy' that could cause her to paint me black once again.
the topic of feelings or mushy stuff will smother and push her away. heres a question though: do you know with certainty that she knows you dont want to break up? cause you dont want to give the impression that youre just great with a breakup. accepting and respectful sure.
Quote from: stamusic on March 31, 2017, 11:14:34 AM
And as you say, if she wants to join in of course I would never stop her.
I am a very 'mushy' partner naturally and feel there's nothing better than telling/showing someone how much you love and appreciate them... So this is extra difficult for me to tone this down completely haha
its certainly a learning experience, and you are doing well at it. it is hard, and i know id be super anxious... .i know a lot more about how not to make things worse, improving the situation is a tricky and delicate balance, and your attitude will go a long way in keeping you grounded.
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
stamusic
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Posts: 53
Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
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Reply #26 on:
March 31, 2017, 11:39:24 AM »
Definitely getting great advice from you both!
Before the official break up we did have a 'break' where in which we both made it clear to eachother that this was not what we wanted and I had told her during that time how upset and hurt I was feeling and she mentioned she felt the same.
Since I am now in the 'deleted off every social network and being told to move on' stage, I haven't told her in the past week.
If it came up in topic, would I mention how I feel? When does me mentioning my feelings come into the conversations and relationship? Without her getting frustrated and run a thousand miles away again.
Keeping myself grounded is key right now. Not just in the relationship, but for my personal life also
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Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
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Reply #27 on:
March 31, 2017, 11:46:34 AM »
Quote from: stamusic on March 31, 2017, 11:39:24 AM
If it came up in topic, would I mention how I feel? When does me mentioning my feelings come into the conversations and relationship? Without her getting frustrated and run a thousand miles away again.
if youre bringing it up, its likely in the context of just seeing her and spending time with her. and i would avoid that, at least right now.
if she brings it up, i think its okay to indicate how you feel, just dont get too vulnerable or throw your heart on the line, or wear it on your sleeve.
of course it depends on the nature of how she brings it up. shes committed to a sort of purging at the moment, deleting/blocking, getting her stuff, talking about separate ways (that may change, and it sounds like shes conflicted). so if its stuff like "i love you but we need to go our separate ways", dont get into that, just be accepting, no pressure. if its "im having second thoughts", thats another conversation, and youre interested in hearing her thoughts.
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
stamusic
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Posts: 53
Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
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Reply #28 on:
March 31, 2017, 12:16:19 PM »
Great, thanks
It's mostly down as the waiting game at the moment. I feel it may take a month or so before her and I talk properly, though she's unpredictable so who knows. I also don't feel ready at all to see her so that won't happen for at least a month or 2 anyways - gives me a chance to work on myself and educate myself more.
You've been amazing help
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stamusic
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Posts: 53
Re: Girlfriend with BPD - Need Your Help
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Reply #29 on:
April 02, 2017, 08:24:24 AM »
... I posted this already on my other subject, but figured why not post here too. Can never have too much advice
Hey folks,
Here's an update on my relationship and how to conversation has been going. It's all pretty self explanitory - she text me out of the blue this morning since it seemed she just wanted to reach out (despite saying it's best her and I didn't talk at all anymore). The the convo rolled into her mentioning she met up with her ex on Monday (an ex who treated her like CRAP), though saying nothing happened between them. Here's the convo anyways... .
GF: Yoo
ME: Yoo, how ya doing?
GF: Good thanks youuu
ME: All good taaaa. What you up to today?
GF: Going out later to watch the wrestling , been trying to make friends on tinder... people are weird haha
GF: You?
ME: I’m certain tinder ain’t the place for friends lool
ME: Just playing guitar and recording all dayyy
GF: Ive met plenty of friends on there last time i used it... haha
GF: Just friends i rarely talk too
ME: Haha ohhh I gotcha. Actually a good idea for new friends, might av a look too
GF: Whats that?
GF: Oh i misread haha
ME: so where the wrestling playing tonight? Same place as last time ?
GF: Yep
ME: Niceee, cool venue
GF: It isss
ME: Have funnn!
GF: Thank yaaa
ME:
GF: Wont really be drinking... .drank on monday... .stuff got weird
ME: Ah dearrr, wanna talk about what happened?
GF: Haha im sure you wouldnt like it so
ME: You don’t have to tell me if you don’t wanna
GF: Just hung out with *ex's name*, got drunk, had some pretty deep convos, nothing happened with us though, just spoke about a lottt
ME: That’s okay, I understand you wanted to talk to someone
GF: Yepp, we ended up talking a lot about what happened with me and her though, She opened up a lot... .she didnt cheat on me either so thats cool
ME: That’s good then, at least you’re making friends
GF: Well not making friends we were already friends but yeahh haha
ME: Ah that’s good! Surrounding yourself with good people is the best thing for ya
GF: Best thing for me?
ME: Sorry, meant surrounding yourself with positive people. It’ll will have a positive effect on you too
GF: Youre sounding too much like a therapist dude
ME: Haha sorry sorryyy
ME: Gonna hang out again today?
GF: I dont surround myself with overly positive people because i feel too out of placeeee
GF: And hang out with who?
ME: Makes sense, overly positive peeps are too cheesy haha
ME: Hang out with *Ex's name*
GF: Its not even that, i just feel like its not realistic for me to be so positive all the time. I dont like perfectionnn
GF: Nah wont be hanging out for a while
ME: Of course, perfection doesn’t even exist innitttt
ME: What made ya reach out to her?
GF: Didnt really reach out, we always spoke and that, she was having a bad time so i suggested we go for drinks
ME: Ah that’s good of youuu
GF: yepppp im a good buddyyy
ME: You are gurrrrl
GF: Wait what happened to your pic?
ME: Watcha mean?
GF: Whys it of us
ME: It’s cute, why not haha
GF: Its awks haha
ME: It’s only awks if you make it awks
GF: No its awks because we aint together and everyones still gonna think we are haha
ME: Wait we're not together?
GF: Funny
ME: Jks fineeee I'll change it
GF: Okayyyy
ME: How bout that funny pun I sent ya a few days ago
GF: Kneeson?
ME: Exactly
GF: Lol
During the whole convo my heart was practically beating out my chest and the thought of her hanging out with her ex made me want to throw up. But using the skills I have learnt, I put them into use (even though she called me out on 'acting like a therapist' which is when I loosened up a little.
So why is she telling me quite out of the blue that she met up with her ex? Does she feel guilty?
She wants to make it blatant clear to me we're not together anymore and don't want people to think we are. Why would she say this?
Thanks in advance xx
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