Feeling bad

[OnceEngaged001]

My ex and I were engaged. Then she left me and immediately jumped into another relationship. Within a week I mean then she dated that guy for 6 months, left and we got back together for a month. Everything was good, all of a sudden, as we got closer again, she goes cold and distant and leaves me again, telling me she wanted to be alone to grow and figure out life(she's almost 30 years old, I'm 23). That was a lie, she left me and within 2 days got with another guy, he started saying I love you and all(seen on social media, then they both left due to "pressure/drama". It's been 5 weeks since. And I still have spurts of anger and sadness. Mad that she seems to not have cared about me, essentially Felt "nothing" for me(what I believe) and that she can so easily jump to another guy. I'm painted black by her now, and I'm sure her boyfriend and friends paint me black too. I don't know, I've had opportunities to go on dates with girls these past few weeks but I don't find it humane, or ethical to get into another relationship. I don't want to possibly hurt someone with the baggage I have.

[OnceEngaged001]

My question is, how do I not be bitter and angry/sad? I'm trying to move on, keeping my head up, forward looking, taking everyday as a brand new day. But sometimes it just eats me up.

[hopealways]

My ex and I were engaged. Then she left me and immediately jumped into another relationship. Within a week I mean then she dated that guy for 6 months, left and we got back together for a month. Everything was good, all of a sudden, as we got closer again, she goes cold and distant and leaves me again, telling me she wanted to be alone to grow and figure out life(she's almost 30 years old, I'm 23). That was a lie, she left me and within 2 days got with another guy, he started saying I love you and all(seen on social media, then they both left due to "pressure/drama". It's been 5 weeks since. And I still have spurts of anger and sadness. Mad that she seems to not have cared about me, essentially Felt "nothing" for me(what I believe) and that she can so easily jump to another guy. I'm painted black by her now, and I'm sure her boyfriend and friends paint me black too. I don't know, I've had opportunities to go on dates with girls these past few weeks but I don't find it humane, or ethical to get into another relationship. I don't want to possibly hurt someone with the baggage I have.

IN BOLD: this is the difference between you, who has empathy and real emotions, vs a BPD who does not. Good for you. Hang in there.

[jambley]

Hope you feel better soon. Be strong.

[vortex of confusion]

Your question regarding how to not feel angry, sad, or bitter is a tricky one. The reason that I say it is tricky is because there is actually a place for all of those feelings. I have had to allow myself to feel that stuff rather than try to push it away. I think being angry, sad, and bitter is a natural response to what you experienced. The trick is to let yourself feel it, work through it, and then move on. It can be difficult to let yourself feel that stuff without getting stuck there.

Are there things that you can do besides dating that might help you feel better like going to the gym, working on a project or hobby, or something else that feeds your soul? I find that it helps me to find positive and uplifting things to do when I am feeling stuck. There are also times when what I really need is to acknowledge that I am hurt and sad for darn good reasons.

[OnceEngaged001]

Hope you feel better soon. Be strong.

Thank you. I appreciate the support

[OnceEngaged001]

IN BOLD: this is the difference between you, who has empathy and real emotions, vs a BPD who does not. Good for you. Hang in there.

Thank you for pointing that out and thank you for the support

[OnceEngaged001]

Your question regarding how to not feel angry, sad, or bitter is a tricky one. The reason that I say it is tricky is because there is actually a place for all of those feelings. I have had to allow myself to feel that stuff rather than try to push it away. I think being angry, sad, and bitter is a natural response to what you experienced. The trick is to let yourself feel it, work through it, and then move on. It can be difficult to let yourself feel that stuff without getting stuck there.

Are there things that you can do besides dating that might help you feel better like going to the gym, working on a project or hobby, or something else that feeds your soul? I find that it helps me to find positive and uplifting things to do when I am feeling stuck. There are also times when what I really need is to acknowledge that I am hurt and sad for darn good reasons.

Yes there are things I can do. I usually go to the gym very often but I just got a new tattoo so I can't stretch the area yet. And I do believe you're right I should just embrace the feelings but not ruminate on it or let it consume me. Thank you for your support and your perspective on the situation!

[OnceEngaged001]

I think the thing that makes me the most upset, is that both times she chose guys that clearly aren't a good match for her. She hates when people smoke marijuana, and both times the guys she's got with are people that use that drug very very very recreationally. The first one I knew was going to cheat on her cause I knew the kid. The second time, this kid,  I've known him through social media interactions, and he smokes so much and used to even post about it on Instagram. She says she's a believer of Christ and  got baptized when we were together the first time, but this new guy is the most atheistic person I've known and seen, hates God with the bluest fire. Frustrating.

[Pretty Woman]

You need to work on you.

She has SHOWN you how she behaves, Believe what she has shown you, not her words because that is who she really is.

It's clearly a pattern she follows. She gets close to someone and then jumps ship. She left you for a replacement and then left him for someone else.
She is breaking hearts all over the place.

Clearly it is the disorder at play and not you. You are capable of having an amazing relationship but you need to get you back first. It is very understandable why you are sad. Regardless of her disorder this is a loss in your life and you had genuine feelings for her. You need to grieve but you also need to maintain a schedule for yourself so you are not sitting at home ruminating.

It's easy to say you need to depersonalize this and understand this is her disorder, but that doesn't stop your internal hurt. Have you thought about joining some social groups? I don't know where you live, but here in the states we have an online community where you can join sports, happy hours, etc. I think doing this helped me stop overthinking things. I met some new people and didn't feel compelled to regurgitate my story with complete strangers.

For a few hours I was doing something fun. Even volunteering with strangers helped! It took my mind off her and enriched my life by putting some good out there helping others who really needed it, and accepted it. 

[OnceEngaged001]

You need to work on you.

She has SHOWN you how she behaves, Believe what she has shown you, not her words because that is who she really is.

It's clearly a pattern she follows. She gets close to someone and then jumps ship. She left you for a replacement and then left him for someone else.
She is breaking hearts all over the place.

Clearly it is the disorder at play and not you. You are capable of having an amazing relationship but you need to get you back first. It is very understandable why you are sad. Regardless of her disorder this is a loss in your life and you had genuine feelings for her. You need to grieve but you also need to maintain a schedule for yourself so you are not sitting at home ruminating.

It's easy to say you need to depersonalize this and understand this is her disorder, but that doesn't stop your internal hurt. Have you thought about joining some social groups? I don't know where you live, but here in the states we have an online community where you can join sports, happy hours, etc. I think doing this helped me stop overthinking things. I met some new people and didn't feel compelled to regurgitate my story with complete strangers.

For a few hours I was doing something fun. Even volunteering with strangers helped! It took my mind off her and enriched my life by putting some good out there helping others who really needed it, and accepted it. 

Yeah i understand. Its just hard to get over. I try not to ruminate and I do have my schedule of work and friends and family time. I'm trying every day to just live my life and enjoy it without her. There are those spurts of thoughts and memories. It ebbs and flows. Anger comes and goes. Sadness comes and goes.

I had no idea there were groups on here! Yes I do live in the states and will indeed look into it. Thank you for the support and your response!

[wellwellwell]

I can understand how difficult it is to stop ruminating. As others have written, that's a normal part of the process, but the lack of closure in these situations makes these splits very difficult to resolve. I found the "Abandonment Cycle" section of the Lessons sticky in the forum helpful, as it helped me understand why there was no closure and how to feel (or expect to feel) about that.

I also find that it helps when I depersonalise the situation: my breakup was particularly confusing and isolating, and my genuine nonBPD feelings were very painful as a result. But I had as little control over the marriage as I did over the split. It was, mostly, something that happened to me. Some of the ruminating, for me, involves reflecting on what I could or should have done. The answer is usually 'not much at all' or 'left earlier'. Those are useful dots to join, but it takes time and practice to think and feel in a different way. It's not linear, either. You go sideways, and back, and up, and down, but over time you do find a way to the surface.

I write this because it still takes a lot of time to overcome the pull of the ruminating state of mind, and really understanding why I got to a position where I was so invested in my marriage. That's where the self-reflection comes in. If there is a gift or benefit from this process, it's in the insights about yourself you have to gain to escape these feelings. That's something many people never get.

Good luck.