BPD-d14 - Our daughter's struggle and her endless path of destruction and chaos.

[Ginger Ninjas]

Hello,

I have a 14-year-old daughter who has BPD. As you probably know, they don't officially diagnose her but nearly anyone who has evaluated her in the past two years strongly believes she meets the criteria.

What can I say other than our lives have been complete hell for years and it continues to worsen by the day. She is currently in an inpatient mental hospital for the 8th time in two years. We experience her verbal abuse, screaming, and sometimes violent temper tantrums on a near daily basis. Basically if she isn't isolating herself, she is verbally abusing anyone she can get access to in our home. She has been charged multiple times with domestic violence against my wife and I. A month ago she threatened to kill my 5-year-old and she's been in and out of inpatient ever since. Currently they are moving her to stronger medicines like lithium and resperdon (anti-aggressor).

My 14-year-old tells us that no one feels pain and only she does. So she justifies that its ok to make others feel pain. She also believes she is in no control of her actions when she is "triggered" therefore she should have no responsibility for what she does to others when she is upset - they have to deal with it. She has no friends. She doesn't do any self-care - goes for 2-3 weeks between showers and her school is on my case about it. Anytime you try to correct her, redirect her, or give any criticism - even with the most delicate and calm method of delivery, she tells us that we are "hurting" her and we're abusive.

She tells everyone that we're abusive and we're always yelling at her. However, I have found over the past few years a tremendous amount of patience and lately have been able to go for hours of her screaming at us without raising my voice once. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I've yelled at her. However while she is screaming at me, I'll be calmly responding - while at the same time yelling at us to stop screaming at her.

Not too long ago, she tried to convince the police that I beat her while searching her room for a weapon. They didn't believe her because of her background and the 12-14 other visits they have had to make to our home in the past two years to settle her down when she had gotten violent.

She is currently doing everything she can to skip / avoid school. For a few weeks in the fall time, I was taking her to the hospital to have her evaluated nearly every other day because she discovered if the told the principal that she was going to kill herself, they would give her a day off by asking me to take her to the hospital. I wised up and removed her computer privileges until she complied with school and she hit her mother, resulting in an assault and battery charge. School has filed truancy charges but fortunately they have put in their report that parents have been doing everything they can to get her to go to school. So the heat is going to be on her.

She claims that her computer is "her coping skill" even after spending 7 months in DBT group. She claims that none of her coping skills work and she shouldn't have to use them. We should just put up with her violent outbursts.

A few months ago, she went to a mental hospital and made a new pen-pal boyfriend. She claims he is the only reason she has to live and everyone is concerned about it.

Right now, she has all her electronics privileges taken away and we've designated the entire basement as a "safe-zone" for the entire family but her. This has really pissed her off but its the only thing we can do to give our other 5 children a way to get away from her verbal abuse and to seek refuge. She feels like we're being unfair and she continues to remind us how she feels like she "never does anything wrong" and her parents are "abusive".

I had her re-admitted last night (she was in a partial hospital program and now she is back inpatient) because after using the most delicate and calm methods to redirect her from verbally assaulting another member in the home, she became completely unglued. The police had to get involved and eventually after telling me that she can't take it anymore and wants to die, I had to bring her in.

Insurance recently denied the mental hospital's recommendation to have her admitted to a residential program for more intensive therapy. They then denied my grievance and told me today that the option for residential is completely off the books and we're stuck with working with CMH to do home based therapies. At this point, I don't know what to do.

Just need a little encouragement and curious as to what other parents who have gotten through this stuff have been successful. Nothing we try to do works. I've been on zoloft for over a year to help with the hopeless and depression I have been feeling while parenting her and trying to balance her needs vs the needs of the rest of the family. Personally to make matters worse, I grew up with a father who we're certain has narcissistic personality disorder or something to that degree. So the abuse feels completely normal to me sometimes and many times I fall into the belief that some of the terrible things my daughter says about us as parents are actually true. I've had to have a lot of consoling myself and am currently reading a book on Mindfulness with self-simpothy. My goal is to help my daughter (as I believe her struggles are real and painful to her) but also to balance the needs of the family in order to prevent her abuse from going too far with my other children.

We have no options for respite and for the most part, we don't have good days at all. Its really sad in our home.

I apologize for my bad grammar, lack of organization, and spelling mistakes. I appreciate anyone who decided to take the time to read this and hear our cries. I can only pray that God heal our home from the disaster it has become.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Ginger Ninjas, 



I'm sorry that you're going through this. Wow you have a lot going on. Thankfully the officers have a first account of who you are or they have impression of you and they know D14's history. There is some truth to what she is saying the behaviors are not something that a pwBPD can control BUT that doesn't mean that she's not responsible to take care of herself and get better. 

Good for you that you're a patient father, i'd just like to make a suggestion, i'd set a boundary on you when she's emotionally dysregulated, a pwBPD, can't self sooth but it's not for others to sooth her. If she gets like that change the tempo and find something else to do, go and clean your car or run out for an errand. It takes a pwBPD longer to return to baseline than you and I but you don't want to reenforce to her that it's OK for her to treat like that, you can't control her, you have control over two things your thoughts and feelings. Think about something in life where you where running on high emotions, i'll think about when I got into physical fights when I was younger and how I wasn't sure thinking rationally because I was running on adrenaline, we'll to a pwBPD they feel emotions two thousand fold compared to a non and you can see how a pwBPD are not thinking rationally when they are emotionally charged.

She's also right that a pwBPD feel a lot of plain, they also feel a lot of chronic feelings of shame, low self worth and self esteem, self hate and self loath. You probably know this but guilt is feeling like you did something wrong, shame is feeling like there's something wrong with you. You're familiar with NPD, I suggest to get your hands on as many books as you can and read about the disorder. 
 
Feelings are facts to a pwBPD . Feelings are followed by facts for non's. A pwBPD need a lot of validation, everyone wants to be heard and validation makes people heard, so validate what she feels first, then pack your truth at the end. You'll find the lessons on the right side of the board. I don't have a child with BPD, I have an estranged step daughter but primarily I have an ex wife that displays BPD traits, I know very well how it feels like to be on the receiving end of that anger, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you. 

I'm happy to hear that you're treating your depression, you have a lot of kids and a child that displays BPD traits and 5 other kids, you really have your hands full, self care is super important so that you don't burn the candle at both ends. What do you do for self care?‎

[UpsnDowns]

I'm glad to see that you have faith in God, because sometimes I feel that He's what has kept standing during this ordeal.
My son is 20 and has a history of hospitalization as well. He's not physically violent, but his words and acts are very hurtful. He's smart and he learned not to make threats of hurting himself after having been taken to the hospital by cops quite a few times. He has called the cops on me accusing me of trying to kill him when I once broke into his room. Of course they didn't believe him and they still told him that it was my house and if I wanted to remove the door or break it, it was my right.
Not happy, not long after that incident, I was driving back home and he called me pushing and pushing, until I finally said that he was driving me crazy and that I couldn't take it anymore. When I got home, there were cops waiting for me. He had called them saying that I had threatened to kill myself, distorting what I had said. Thankfully, my daughter was home and I had been talking to her on the way home. They told him they would arrest him for false police reporting if he ever did it again
Prior to hear occasions, while he was still in high school, a social worker called me. I actually thought that they were returning my calls, as I had been to several places trying to get some help. So I was happy and very pleased to hear from her. So she came home, we sat, and I was the one who actually started talking, telling her about truancy, marijuana, etc. When she finally talked, she said she had been called by him claiming abuse, and right there and then she said there was no abuse. There was a cop with her, and that cop had already been to our house and he had and idea of what was happening. He actually told her what he knew.
My daughter is BPD as well, but not even close to the way he is. I can say that she has improved a lot. At 24, she controls herself better, but she does need a lot of validation, and she's learning to deal and resolve the issues that her prior behavior caused.
My son runs away a lot. Anything we say and he disagrees is a reason for him to lose control and run away. I feel (or should I say?) that his whole life is a big lie. He lies and lies again to cover the first lie. Sometimes I think he even believes his lies.
Today I found out that he texted my sister saying he had been abused night after night (when younger). Not sexually. Still, it is a lie. And he believes it!
The thing is he's always been so skinny that I feared even smacking his butt. I squeezed his ears as a preteen, but that's far from abuse! Then I smacked him in front of the cops when he was 17 and was caught reckless driving. I had to. I answered a call coming from his phone and there was a cop on the other end. My legs went jello.
I'm also on meds, but for PTSD. Way to many scares.
He was finally diagnosed by a doctor last year. I already knew it was BPD. Doctor says bipolar as well, but from what I understood, for some insurance reason or I don't know what else, they prefer not to say borderline. Now he's suing the doctor claiming that she didn't talk to him properly during group therapy while at the hospital. He wants revenge and more revenge.
He told me that I becan d to be hospitalized for metal issues. I finally said ok, I will go. He said that it wasn't enough. I had to be ex parted, that is, he doesn't really feel that I need to be treated, but he wants me forced into a hospital. Pure revenge.
I'm also new to the group. I've been reading and I find similarities everywhere. Today, for the first time, I left the house in a long time. A block away from home, but a victory as I sit outside Starbucks and enjoy a frapuccino. I will try the tool available here.
Thanks for sharing and I hope things get better for your whole family.