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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Wishing them Dead  (Read 765 times)
Pretty Woman
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« on: March 30, 2017, 06:42:01 PM »

The last few days I've been struggling with this, the topic of this post. Some days I wish my ex were dead. I say this and I am not stating I wish to do something horrible to her or that I even really want something horrible to happen to her, I just wish she wasn't here. In this town. In this state... .
On this planet.

Maybe I feel like that would give me closure, the finality knowing she can't hurt or affect anyone again. Maybe it's my occasional jealousy of my replacement. I'm not sure if this is healthy to think about every once in awhile or if it means I've got terrible issues for even thinking it (wishing she was dead).

I truly think if my ex died tomorrow I'd be somewhat relieved and possibly a tad elated which I know is pretty sadistic.
I don't like that I feel this way. It's not who I am at my core. 

Recently I found out my ex unfriended any mutual connections to me.  This is two years after our break up where she left me for someone else immediately. Im wondering why she is doing this two years later. Has she really moved on or is it because her current relationship is failing and she doesn't want it to get back to me?

Why do I care? Why does this matter?

I get so angry I ever met her. Three, almost four years of my life were a total suckfest. I was isolated from my parents who have now moved to the other side of the country. Every holiday was me wanting to die, crying and despondent because she dumped me or picked a major fight before a party. I lost the last years of my thirties, wasted them on a POS.

Everyday I go to work where I am continually ostracized and mocked by a clique of "mean girls" who know my ex's sister. My job has been threatened, I've been talked about, my sexual preference announced all the way to my boss (I was closeted at work).  Had I not met my ex, my work life would be calm and so would the rest of my life, but it's not. Had I never met her I wouldn't be dealing with half the issues I do today. At work I can project I'm strong and I never react to the things people say, yet inside it kills me. It hurts terribly.

Everyday I wonder if I will ever see her again. If she were dead at least I'd have that closure. I want to fully move on but in the back of my mind I wonder and get stuck.

To all the newbies that have reached out in recent weeks for support, please know even members who have been here awhile have our bad days. This is one of mine. I'm sharing because it's a safe place to do so, and I'm wondering if this is a feeling anyone can relate to and how did they cope/get through it.

I know there are members on here whom's exes have committed suicide. I hope this post is not a trigger, deep down I don't wish death on anyone but I have no idea how to get the closure I so desire.

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jambley
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« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2017, 06:52:17 PM »

Hi Pretty Woman,

Feeling resentment at your ex is understandable because they hurt you. Lately I have thought karma catches up with BPD people - they cannot help their condition and I do not wish any harm to my ex. Even though I have been emotionally abused, I know what I let her get away with is wrong. It is OK to feel anything towards your ex. It helps us understand.
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In a bad way
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« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2017, 06:52:31 PM »

With me it's like this... .
People dying is easier to live with, yes they are gone but you remember the person as good.
This is easier to take than the abandonment.

Does this make any sense?
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Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2017, 07:02:41 PM »

In a Bad Way, That's an interesting observation... .death vs abandonment. I actually think I could forgive her if she died. Knowing she is with someone else and left me a total mess after her emotional hurricane, left to pick up the pieces alone... .
I harbor much resentment.

Jamesss, thank you for reconfirming it's ok to feel. Deep down I know that. I just worry sometimes because I can be vindictive. Sometimes I wish her the worst (in my head). The only thing that helps is knowing she's disordered and this isn't 100 percent her fault, I'm also to blame.
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In a bad way
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« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2017, 07:17:01 PM »

People die and it hurts but they died, they didn't leave after everything we went through.
They had no choice.
It hurts more that someone who planned a future and declared their undying love with you will never speak to you again.
It's cold and horrible and sadistic and it ... .well what can I say?
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Idsrvt2
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« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2017, 08:49:27 PM »

Years ago I went out with an alcoholic, he hung up on me one night and I never heard from him again... in anger I wished him dead. A few weeks later he had a terrible fall and never woke up from the coma and died.

I felt horrible and it took me time to cope with me wishing that on him, I don't think of it often anymore... .and I'm careful about what I wish in people.
I didn't feel releaf that he died other than he no longer was in pain.

That being said my X who I think has BPD has pushed me to that level.

When he dumped me I said to someone I wish I could rip his face off, I was also on PMS week... but I felt so much anger at how he pretended for four years to be normal... sucked me into a relationship Andy hurt me so terribly so.  I'm yrspped in my home as he's my mail man, I saw him twice today letting my cat inside. 
I think the BPD people we are with intrude our lives so much, it's not just avoiding certain places like most breakups.

It sounds like your still processing the trauma, and it must be so hurtful for you to work under those conditions.

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jambley
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« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2017, 08:57:26 PM »

Pretty Woman

I am still awake so I will reply to you. 'Intrusive' really hit home with me, yes that is hard because of lack of boundaries. The thing I disliked was being taken for granted which over time led to no firm boundaries and being walked all over. Respect is so important. I realise she didn't love me during devaluation because it was one-sided respect on my part. Keep writing your feelings, get them off your chest.
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Herodias
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« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2017, 09:29:17 PM »

I hear you PrettyWoman, but talking with someone I care about over his wife's death has made me realize that is a whole other issue to deal with. Someone told me today that she doesn't wish her ex any ill will even though he cheated on her. She agreed with me it's because she is happily married to someone else. I think when we are alone and our exes are not we are bitter. I don't wish mine dead, but I have to admit I can't wait to hear of their breakup! I think in your case with rumors and your job situation I would feel the same way. I hope you can find a solution in that. There must be one. P.S. I'm 2 years out from him, 9 months since the divorce- yes, there are still bad days.
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Panshekay
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« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2017, 10:34:17 PM »

I think it's a pretty honest normal feeling.  I guess it's like the stages of grief... .denial , anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  I know I have felt that way about my DIL in the past, maybe because if they were gone we wouldn't have to worry or be fearful of what they are going to do next.  There is a lot of waiting  to see what she is going to do or say.  She has caused so much pain and sorrow for our son and grandchildren.  I just want it to end... .does that mean I want something bad to happen to her?  No, I just want her to stop destroying my family. Perhaps feeling this way is self preservation.  Try not to beat yourself up over these fleeting thoughts, I think a lot of  people have those thoughts when dealing with these type of people.  I try and keep in mind that she didn't  ask to be this way, I would hate to be in her shoes.  I too have good days and bad days and I know it never really ends when there are children involved. I mostly just feel sorry for her now.  It's a horrible deal all the way around but I believe you will get past it and finally have acceptance and go on with your life. I hope this gives you a little peace. 
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Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.
Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2017, 10:47:05 PM »

Herodias thank you for your insight. I know you've been on these boards a few years and you've had a lot of valuable things to say that have helped me.

I have been dating someone for a year and I'm still hung up on my ex.
So technically I'm not alone. It's a decent relationship and nothing like the one with my ex.

It's weird. I don't want my ex back. I know what will happen and I also would not want her sister to come after me, but I struggle with the cold abandonment. I struggle with someone saying they love me and the very next day telling people I beat and raped them.

I was talking to a friend about exes today. I'm friends with several exes and some of those exes have remarried, heck one of my exes his wife works for me! I am so happy for these people and genuinely wish them well. The one whose wife works for me, we ended badly. We probably didn't talk for a year and then reconnected on FB. We got over it. Now it's like we never dated but I can honestly call him a friend.
These were normal relationships.

I think I struggle with my reputation being ruined. People think so poorly of me. Some, it's my fault. I was not myself in this relationship. I talked to too many people, people who didn't have my best interests in mind and they made me look crazy... .and in the thick of my relationship I probably was a little crazy.

I feel isolated and I'm not in this relationship where I was isolated. I'm free to do whatever I please but I still feel  isolated and ostracized. I can't fix anyone's poor opinion of me so I just do my best everyday and treat people with kindness even if it's not reciprocated.
But it's a struggle.

This relationship has pretty much killed my tolerance for drama.  If someone is over sensitive I find myself being cold and unaccepting. It's like I've lost all empathy. I almost just don't care anymore.
And that scares me.
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Larmoyant
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« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2017, 12:52:57 AM »

I struggle with someone saying they love me and the very next day telling people I beat and raped them.
.
 
This is so difficult to get our heads around. One minute loved the next feared and hated. Those of us who have been around here for a while understand where they, the pwBPD, are coming from given their fears of abandonment/engulfment but what about us? How do we come to terms with the brutality of this treatment?

We can try to make sense of it from an intellectual level, but what about the emotional level. Our emotions, not theirs? The effect of it is mind-blowingly brutal. We’re left on shaky ground, struggling to make sense of the senseless.

It’s no wonder you feel angry and you have every right to feel this way. She hurt, betrayed and rejected you. 

I wish I had wise words to say to you. The best I can come up with is that your feelings are normal given the depth of betrayal and rejecton experienced in these relationshiips. Feel what you do and let it all out. You’ve been through a nightmare and still struggling with the aftermath. You’ve handled the work situation admirably and should be proud of yourself. Let it all out Dream Girl.   
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Larmoyant
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« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2017, 06:06:15 AM »

sorry Pretty Woman called you Dream Girl by mistake. 
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Pretty Woman
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Posts: 1682


The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2017, 09:03:02 AM »

Pretty Woman, Dream Girl... .you could have called me worse Larmoyant.  Smiling (click to insert in post) All is good.

Thank you and thank you ALL for your words and advice. I also agree it's ok to feel this way but I don't think it's healthy to CONTINUE to feel this way for years. I really want there to be a day I don't really think about my ex. While it certainly is less and less as time goes by, I hope to wake up one day and she doesn't occupy a single thought.

I think I need to take my own advice and keep working on myself. I can only control me not others actions and I need to maybe invest a little more time and care working on myself going forward. 
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