27 months NC

[zeus123]

After 27 months of Strict NC I received a text message from my exBPDgf. She's asking how I am doing. But of course like usual no answer from my part. Remember folks someone who lives in psychosis doesn't have the same feelings that you do, to think otherwise is unrealistic, narcissistic and potentially very dangerous. Sometimes you might show up on their radar and sometimes you don't. In a relationship borderlines mainly look for narcissistic supply the reason why they try to contact us later on it's because they are low on supply and they weren't able to recycle someone else.

[g2outfitter]

Good for you.  All the things you say are true.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey zeus, I like your moniker.  Agree, usually they are just testing to see if you might still be on the line, so-to-speak.  Right, they reach out when the supply is low and their fear of abandonment kicks in, as it always does.

LJ

[once removed]

hows your detachment coming, zeus? twenty seven months of no contact is a long time.

[zeus123]

Hi once removed. In the beginning the detachment was very hard for me but being a member of this site and reading many books and articles on the Internet has helped me enormously and gave me the strength to maintain NC. In the first year after the break up I received many messages and calls from my ex but knowing the nature of borderlines I maintained NC because I knew it was the only path to have my life back and to stay away from BPD toxicity. Now I am doing really great I have put the past behind me. But my experience with my BPD ex has opened my eyes to see life differently.

[once removed]

what have you done besides NC? i think sometimes we can over emphasize it. for example, i havent spoken to my ex in six years now (and im not really open to speaking with her), but i dont think of that any differently than someone i havent seen since high school, it just is what it is.

so what else, besides NC has helped you to heal and move on?

[Rayban]

Were you painted black before NC? I agree, a pwBPD needs validation at all cost.  They need it and in a 27 month span she's been in multiple relationship with a mix of people ranging from exes, coworkers, people they meet on dating sites, and of course they're friends that came and went in her life.

27 months is a long time.  If you have no parental or any other obligation to be in contact them you just consider blocking her on your phone.  If you weren't married to her or had kids with her, then consider not even responding.

[Skip]

After 27 months of Strict NC I received a text message from my exBPDgf. She's asking how I am doing. But of course like usual no answer from my part. Remember folks someone who lives in psychosis doesn't have the same feelings that you do, to think otherwise is unrealistic, narcissistic and potentially very dangerous. Sometimes you might show up on their radar and sometimes you don't. In a relationship borderlines mainly look for narcissistic supply the reason why they try to contact us later on it's because they are low on supply and they weren't able to recycle someone else.

Seems like a dangerous conspiracy.  

Zeus, there are truly psychotic and dangerous people living on the street in you city. You can great them when you walk by. You can volunteer at a soup kitchen and feed them.  

Those really dangerous people pose no threat at all.

Why, because you are detached from them. If one goes off on you with a rant, you would simply walk away and forget about it.

If there is no need to paint those folks black and go to extremes to avoid them, there is no reason to do that with your ex, either.  Let her and the relationship go "in your head"... .don't get hung up on physical avoidance.

If you were a recovering alcoholic, which would you rather be?  The guy that talks about the governments conspiracy to dupe the masses with alcohol and who shuns people, and places where there is social drink?  Or would you want to be the guy who had beat their addiction in their head and can function with grace and safety in any social setting.

Detachment leads to freedom. No contact, taken to extremes, is a bit like paranoia.

[OptimusRhyme]

Seems like a dangerous conspiracy.  

Zeus, there are truly psychotic and dangerous people living on the street in you city. You can great them when you walk by. You can volunteer at a soup kitchen and feed them.  

Those really dangerous people pose no threat at all.

Why, because you are detached from them. If one goes off on you with a rant, you would simply walk away and forget about it.

If there is no need to paint those folks black and go to extremes to avoid them, there is no reason to do that with your ex, either.  Let her and the relationship go "in your head"... .don't get hung up on physical avoidance.

If you were a recovering alcoholic, which would you rather be?  The guy that talks about the governments conspiracy to dupe the masses with alcohol and who shuns people, and places where there is social drink?  Or would you want to be the guy who had beat their addiction in their head and can function with grace and safety in any social setting.

Detachment leads to freedom. No contact, taken to extremes, is a bit like paranoia.

Alright, so I've been lurking for awhile and this post finally tipped my hand to register, apologies if I derail this thread.

Reading your posts skip, there's a lot I appreciate about your general approach to a balanced and honest appraisal of a BPD relationship and the ways to heal from them by accepting responsibility for the behaviors the non contributes, and disarming the ego's defenses that prolong attachment and investment. Between my (admittedly shallow) appreciation of both psychodynamics and Buddhist philosophy, I have cultivated (what I think is)  an understanding, and resultant compassion for the difficulties my ex has faced that led them to make such destructive and hurtful decisions, and I find it difficult and even silly to hate them (paint them black)  for it.

Where my ability to follow you falls down, and where possibly other members of this board may have trouble interpreting your well-meaning advice is, is this - I don't feel the need to prove, expose, or fight against the fact that my ex was difficult and a hurtful person. But the objective fact is that she's a difficult person who cannot manage to treat people in healthy ways. If I was a recovered alcoholic, I would be concerned about the validity of my recovery if I had to badmouth every drinker and bar within earshot. But if there was someone who constantly invalidated my struggle, ignored my boundaries, and bullied and cajoled me into drinking at every opportunity, I would feel more than entitled to say "that person sucks, and while I'm not gonna change em, I'm perfectly entitled to declare they're ty and cut them out of my life". Maybe there's a level to acceptance that I'm missing, a facet of compassion I haven't yet discovered, but I feel like it's perfectly healthy and positive to realize that some people just kinda suck, and while I feel for them and hope they resolve their poor behavioral patterns, I cannot control them and am much better off without having to deal with/judge/suffer along with them. And I know it can't help their damage to witness the destruction and dissatisfaction they cause, and I have no wish to be an instrument of their pain.

Call me a pragmatist, but whether I'm completely detached or just deluding myself that I am, I have limited time on this earth, and want to spend it with people who inspire me to make healthy choices, and whom with I don't need to expend massive amounts of energy to sort through lies, previous trauma, unhealthy behavior, etc etc. My ex has lots of attractive qualities, and provides lots of positive moments and interactions for those who have shallow contacts with her.  But she has a universal history of those with meaningful, real relationships with her coming away damaged and incredibly sad. I don't need to disparage her, as that legacy must be painful enough, but I get lost when it comes to how to process the objective fact that she's not a nice person, especially in light of some of your posts.

Anyways. Enough rambling from me. Thank you all for the help and support from reading this board.

[hurting300]

Seems like a dangerous conspiracy.  

Zeus, there are truly psychotic and dangerous people living on the street in you city. You can great them when you walk by. You can volunteer at a soup kitchen and feed them.  

Those really dangerous people pose no threat at all.

Why, because you are detached from them. If one goes off on you with a rant, you would simply walk away and forget about it.

If there is no need to paint those folks black and go to extremes to avoid them, there is no reason to do that with your ex, either.  Let her and the relationship go "in your head"... .don't get hung up on physical avoidance.

If you were a recovering alcoholic, which would you rather be?  The guy that talks about the governments conspiracy to dupe the masses with alcohol and who shuns people, and places where there is social drink?  Or would you want to be the guy who had beat their addiction in their head and can function with grace and safety in any social setting.

Detachment leads to freedom. No contact, taken to extremes, is a bit like paranoia.

Skip, you sir, are a GENIUS. See? You always put things in perspective. Why haven't you written a book? Seriously? And please respond to this. You should be bigger than just one site.

[Skip]

I'll try to keep this on track with the OPs first post... .

I don't feel the need to prove, expose, or fight against the fact that my ex was difficult and a hurtful person.

I think we sometimes get hung up on an artificial binary choice of feeling that if we aren't painting the ex black, we are trying to, to use you words, "prove, expose, or fight against the fact that the ex was difficult and a hurtful person" for some politically correct reason.

It's not the point I'm making at all. Kick political correctness to the curb for a minute.

My comments are not about political correctness or even compassion for our past lovers. Rather, I'm saying don't get caught up in urban legend and distort who you ex was and create a false narrative of what happened in the relationship to sooth your hurt. Don't treat your emotional wound by deceiving yourself.

Every one on this board was hurt very deeply by their ex. And some fall into the trap of thinking the more they were hurt, the more diabolical our ex must have been. There are even "rent-a-psychs" online who will take your money and sell you this "cure". Friends will support this because - that's what friends do (show loyalty and blame shift).

This is ok in the beginning to get over the trauma anxiety. But strong men dig deeper.

Its important to see that our wound is not proportionate to the other persons dysfunction (my point about the street person) - a big part of the wound is about who we are and what our expectations are and how we handle rejection and adversity.

I underlined it because I think its a point many miss.

I'm suggesting that after you get out of the immediate emotional trauma - like 27 months after the fact - that the best thing we can do is to accurately inventory what happened. Check the distortions at the door.

What was just bad run-of-the-mill relationship stuff?
What was my own attachment style vulnerabilities?
What was really over the top bad behavior?
Did I become a conspirator in the relationship dysfunction?

Do I need to change my outlook on people and relationships going forward?
Do I need to adjust my expectations of a partner?
Am I too sensitive? Demanding? Defensive?
Do I need to conduct myself differently in relationships?
Am I looking for the right kind of partner?

In my own experience, I had someone do something over-the-top hurtful to me on an important day/occasion. My friends, my mom, everyone was quick to discount this person and defend me. I appreciated the validation and warm blanket and cup of cocoa for a little while.

But the reality of the situation is that I was not fully invested in the relationship and the other person was. They finally hit a breaking point and acted badly without provocation.

Should I focus on their bad act, or should I reflect on the fact that I was not emotionally available for this person? Should I also consider that this person had a crisis in their life six months before I met them, so she had some things to deal with - I new this was a risk - I even voiced it to her on severa occasions. It's a risk I took.

It's a trick question of course. All are important. It would be really distorted for me to be focus and exaggerate that one bad act, and miss the real drivers of what happened.

When you see it without distortion (and that is very hard to do and takes work), you can learn and grow.