Why is it so hard to leave?

[NXR]

It's the perfect time to divorce. House is under contract, I'm going back to school next year, once the sale goes through I'll have a bit of a windfall, we discussed splitting and the proposed division is equitiable enough to justify getting it over with ( by which I mean, he's delusional as to what's fair but thinks he's being generous with a 60/40 split favoring him, and I'd be inclined to just let him believe that if it saves me from having to litigate).

The last few weeks I'm seeing more and more blatant BPD traits - so much so that by now I'm wondering if I'm just wanting to see them to convince myself that he has it. My therapist, though he won't say it directly, has been prodding me in the direction of divorcing.

Then we saying we're splitting, after weeks of drama and verbal abuse, then he cries for three days straight, I feel guilty and sad when otherwise regulated; we agree to stay together; things are great for about 5-7 days, I can tell that he's trying, then the drama and craziness starts back up again. I feel like if I don't end it now I never will, but I don't want to give up hope. Or maybe I'm just broken down and shattered and scared. How can a relationship possibly go on based on fear and anticipation over when the next breakdown is going to occur - and why is it so easy to recognize the issues but not follow through?

Anyone else feel this way or been here? Just wanted to get this off my chest and written down.

[DaddyBear77]

I wish I could give you hope that your person with BPD (pwBPD) will get better, but that's one area that seems very unlikely. This site has a ton of guidance and help to improve things for yourself so maybe that will get you a little further down the road.

My personal experience was that about 9 years ago, I was in a position similar to yours. We sold our house. She was dating other people. It seemed like the perfect time to file for divorce and be done with it. But she pulled and I jumped back in and things aren't really any better than they were then. I have my 3 year old daughter and I'll always be thankful for her. But I still don't have a true marriage relationship, at least not the kind I feel like I should have in this life.

You have one big advantage though - you know about BPD and you know about this site. You can do a lot of research and reading and posting and I'm sure you will figure out the right path for you as long as you keep searching.

Good luck NXR and welcome!

DaddyBear77

[NXR]

I wish I could give you hope that your person with BPD (pwBPD) will get better, but that's one area that seems very unlikely. This site has a ton of guidance and help to improve things for yourself so maybe that will get you a little further down the road.

My personal experience was that about 9 years ago, I was in a position similar to yours. We sold our house. She was dating other people. It seemed like the perfect time to file for divorce and be done with it. But she pulled and I jumped back in and things aren't really any better than they were then. I have my 3 year old daughter and I'll always be thankful for her. But I still don't have a true marriage relationship, at least not the kind I feel like I should have in this life.

You have one big advantage though - you know about BPD and you know about this site. You can do a lot of research and reading and posting and I'm sure you will figure out the right path for you as long as you keep searching.

Good luck NXR and welcome!

DaddyBear77

Thanks for that. The hardest thing is that there is no one thing, if that makes sense. No infidelity or anything like that ... .just a thousand little cuts and a crazy Jeckel and Hyde life filled with drama and chaos that could easily be averted. And every time I think things are going well - bam! - they turn south. I feel like I'm turning into Jeckel and Hyde myself with all the conflicting emotions. Anyway, thanks for the support.

[Tlw300300]

I know exactly how you feel. All the requests seem so reasonable. If you just loved me like a normal person. If you just would do this. On and on and on... .

[michel71]

I wish I could give you some solid advice but I consider myself to be the "poster child" of cognitive dissonance ( when your heart tells you one thing and your mind knows better). I think I have been stuck for 2 1/2 years now.

In my case my uBPDw and myself had to jump through so many logistical and financial hoops to be together as she came from another country. I was literally "all in" and didn't want to lose what we had worked so hard to achieve... .us... .in the same place at the same time... .married... .with no flying back and forth to see one another. It became quickly apparent that this had all been a mistake and a costly one ( my head talking) but then I couldn't give up this woman that I had loved so dearly (my heart talking). Or to put it another way, my heart was shouting at me" I know she did xyz to you Michel but YOU LOVE HER SO MUCH" and my head was shouting at me " You are a friggin idiot Michel because she is torturing you". And then my head and heart would shout at each other and I would cover my ears.

So where am I now? Wife moved out. Living separately. Wife wants a divorce. I keep trying to resuscitate a relationship that keeps going into cardiac arrest. And YES IT WOULD BE THE PERFECT TIME to file for divorce. She wants it. She says she would be reasonable and no alimony. We are not living together so no uncomfortable serving of divorce papers.
So bottom line my friend is I get you totally. And I can probably speak for a lot of us on here in relating to where you are at.

I will say that the longer you stay the worse it seems to get, if indeed, you know that you must get out and the pwBPD does not get help and nothing changes,etc. There are plenty of stories on the staying board about overcoming obstacles and hanging in there. I want to give a big shout out to them for doing their part, using the tools, etc.

Good luck to you friend.