My new daughter in law is extremely difficult.

[zoeyv]

Our son married last May, and our (now) daughter in law has been so inexplicably difficult during the courtship and wedding (re her relationship with us), that I went to a psychologist to seek guidance. Admittedly without meeting with our new daughter in law, our very good therapist indicated that it appeared our d-in-l was a very high functioning young woman who exhibits BPD characteristics. I feel better just knowing that her strange and accusative behavior isn't our fault, I would welcome some support in how to move forward. We have a strong relationship with our son, but his new wife certainly isn't what we'd anticipated. We worry about our son, and if they have children, we know we'll never be allowed to have a relationship with our grandchildren. We are very generous, but we have pulled back, knowing that any invitations or efforts to form a relationship with her will be rebuffed. Hmmm, how should we move forward?

[Andrea2]

I can only imagine the restraint on your part in having to deal with you DIL.  The challenge that will come your way is that your son will be torn between meeting the increasing demands of his wife and continuing a relationship with you.  There aren't easy solutions here other than express to your son that you love him and are present for him no matter what happens.  BPD individuals have a way of being very seductive.  Your son may be in the throws o being idealized and may feel so good about everything his new wife is doing for him right now.  Eventually, she will turn on him as well and display amped levels of hostility.  Be prepared.  Be cautious and listen to you gut when dealing with you DIL.  Don't address these observations of her with your son.  He will likely share them with her.

Best of luck!

[zoeyv]

I can only imagine the restraint on your part in having to deal with you DIL.  The challenge that will come your way is that your son will be torn between meeting the increasing demands of his wife and continuing a relationship with you.  There aren't easy solutions here other than express to your son that you love him and are present for him no matter what happens.  BPD individuals have a way of being very seductive.  Your son may be in the throws o being idealized and may feel so good about everything his new wife is doing for him right now.  Eventually, she will turn on him as well and display amped levels of hostility.  Be prepared.  Be cautious and listen to you gut when dealing with you DIL.  Don't address these observations of her with your son.  He will likely share them with her.

Best of luck!

[MaxwellH]

Hi zoeyv.  I, too, am new to this site and our situations sound pretty similar.

We, unfortunately, didn't handle the behavior well (as we had no idea what BPD was back then), and now our DIL, our son, and our grandson are completely out of our lives.  We have made attempts at reconciliation, but they will have none of it.

Andrea2 is correct in stating that your son may very well be forced to sacrifice his relationship with you toward an effort to enhance the relationship with his wife, so tread carefully!

If you haven't done so yet, I strongly recommend reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" in order to gain tools for continuing a non-confrontational, somewhat trusting relationship so that your DIL does not see you as a threat and you will be allowed continued access to your son and, eventually, your grandchildren.

Another great one is Rachel Reiland's memoir "Get Me Out of Here".  Through that book I was able to gain empathy with our future DIL and a glimpse inside what might be creating her behaviors.  This helps when your trigger is to get angry and lash back at the outlandish, argumentative, and sometime threatening things she might say.

At any rate; welcome.  I hope you find the answers that you need.