needing to go no contact with ex

[junebug95]

my expwBPD and I have broke up from a 2 year relationship about a week ago. it started off as a friendship and took a while to escalate. usually we would just hang out and smoke together, she never did show much interest with me at first. she would tell me about the guys she was talking to. there was e (who I basically replaced) that was a long term on and off boyfriend. and then there were other guys she would date that were basically fwb.

Looking back at it she started liking me after I told her about this girl I was chasing (who probably has BPD as well) that would treat me like crap, and all the stuff I would do for her. The first hint that she was into me was when I loaned her 100 dollars to pay off a debt. the relationship started unreal. I thought I had found the love of my life. she seemed like somebody that would be mutually benefiting each other. we made pacts that she would always break. after any little argument or if she was mad at me she would always want a break. It was always just a break (unless I did something wrong then it would be a break up untill I apologized).

 These breaks typically would last a day sometimes a couple days, sometimes a couple hours. it was usually the same routine she would make a tinder (dating app) and add a bunch of her old fwbs on Facebook. Then I would call her out on it and she would say she did it to make me mad. we would usually repeat the cycle and get back together after starting to talk.

 fast forwarding to the current breakup, she went out one night, which I was fine with untill it was 430 am and I haven't heard from her since midnight. she tells me she did it on purpose because I haven't been paying her enough attention lately. so now she wanted another break and told me she just wants to have fun (don't understand how I'm a fun sucker if I let her go out with her friends (guys and girls), mind you she didn't even invite me. And she said she wants to go out and party and that it's okay for me to sleep with another girl during the break. That really didn't make any sense at the time because she literally blocked and deleted every good friend that was a girl off my facebook during our relationship. I guess this is kind of her way of cheating and to not feel like a bad person or something. she was always faithful when we weren't on break and never had enough time to get with another guy when we were.

 Anyways, basically in the past week she went from break up to a break where we can sleep around, to friends, to coming over and wanting sex, I declined but we did makeout while she played with herself (don't know what I was thinking). so at this point we were fwb (while constantly reassuring me we are not together, like I'm stupid or something  I was just tired of the labels at this point). she then blurts out that she was worried that when she went out with her friend j, that j would try to talk to a guy that she would be interested in. This is after telling me the night before that she could never even touch another man. so we get in a fight over a hypothetical situation because I'm just tired of not knowing what is going on, and she has the nerve to say something about my family (once again mind you I put up 200 bucks to get her dad out of jail months prior). I lost it at this point and I have resented her ever since. I have talked to her to try to get my house key back and to gain closure but I haven't gotten either yet.

Any attempt at talking to her where I was being nice led to her wanting to be friends and saying I will always be her best friend even if we don't hang out as much... Once again I have not made any attempt at a relationship or even a friendship. Like does she expect me to go back to before we started dating?  Or is she is just waiting for me to get on my hands and knees again to try to fulfill every need that she has, but I'm tired of it. I haven't been happy for a long time. With her or myself. And I know she would come back. Unless she finds a sucker that would really go through all the bullcrap I've had to.

 How do I deal with not having closure, How do I deal with not knowing if she's out screwing other guys (and if she would enjoy it out of spite). how do i deal with knowing she has been foaming out the mouth talking bad about me to everybody and still wants to say she cares. How can you just want to go solo and get with other people, then get back with each other when it's not a mutual decision. Am I really worth nothing. That you get to make every decision, is this some sort of cruel punishment? I have done nothing to deserve this besides maybe a lack of sexual drive in the week or two prior. why have I never had a say? me putting my foot down has always led to her crying or her leaving.

Anyways I plan to go no contact tomorrow, after receiving my house key back. How do I accomplish this feat. In the past when I have threatened a break up or she did something that she thinks I would leave her because of, she has threatened suicide, threatened to come to my house and smash my windows. I'm pretty sure it's always just been manipulation but I feel as if she would try these techniques after realizing I'm not coming back. should I just block her on everything? change my number too? I just want to be strong enough this time to move on.

Any advice?
 

[heartandwhole]

Hi junebug95,



I'm sorry to hear about your most recent breakup. That is really tough. The rapid cycling can really take a toll on a relationship. In my relationship, there was a point when I just felt exhausted from the abrupt about-faces. 

You've come to the right place for support. Members here understand what you are going through, because they've been in similar situations. The site also has tons of tools and resources that can help make things better for you.

You are intending to go no contact with your girlfriend. How do you plan to go about it?

We have a very helpful perspective piece that you may want to check out here:

No Contact: The Right Way and the Wrong Way

Do you have a good support system around you, like friends and family members who understand your struggles? It's very important at times like these.

Keep posting, junebug95. It really helps.

heartandwhole

[FSTL]

Sorry you're going through this. Like a lot of people here, I can identify with your struggles.

No contact is tough, but worth it - just needs a lot of patience and persistence to stick out the potential moments of weakness where you may want to reach out for one more hit of the Hopium pipe with your BPDx.

[junebug95]

thanks for the support guys, today went really well for the most part. limited words were spoken and we exchanged each other things quite quickly. I noticed she was looking very rough, definitely hungover from drugs or alcohol. and that she wasn't able to sustain eye contact or look at me at all. It kind of makes me feel bad and send her a text apologizing for some things I shouldn't have said while angry. but I won't, I need to focus on my self. a girl I met on a dating app is helping me not miss her. she just got out of a relationship as well so there is no rush and it helps me not crave female contact, since i don't have any female friends anymore.