Why is it so difficult to know when a pwBPD deceives you . . . ?

[Clara Louise]

One of the most difficult topics that I have raised both in therapy with my partner who has BPD traits is how it feels for me to be in a sexual relationship with him in the context of the emotional dysregulation.  I often described that it's emotionally disorientating to me to have sex and then to feel within days of intimacy to be swept up and onto an emotional roller coaster.  That could be an overreaction about a household matter or an intense overreaction and misunderstanding to something I've said. 

It's as if the intimacy never occurred.

Now, that I've shared this and not much has really changed; it feels even worse. 

His response was typical, I guess, honestly, I don't really know.  He responded that his emotional dysregulation was bound to occur whether we were intimate or not.  I listen, validated, but did not respond.  This feels so Byzantine . . .

Any insights?

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[schwing]

Well one key difference between someone with BPD and someone without BPD, is that for the nonBPD, moments of intimacy can strengthen their attachments, however for people with BPD (pwBPD), moments of intimacy (and familiarity) seem to be a trigger for their disordered emotions.

This is perhaps why you are experiencing the "emotional roller coaster" post physical intimacy.  As I see it, after experiencing feelings of intimacy and familiarity, pwBPD then experience subsequent feelings of fear of (imagined) abandonment.  So in a sense, the closer they feel towards you, the more they experience their fear that we will abandon them. As I see it, this is why pwBPD seem to consistently act out on occasions of significant familiar importance, such as weddings, birthdays, holidays, et al.

Maybe your BPD loved one was being honest: he is going to experience his emotional dysregulation whether or not you are intimate. But I suspect that their emotional dysregulation gets worse when they are reminded of what it is they fear to lose.  Does that make sense?

If you would consider an experiment.  Try spending time with your BPD loved one in a consistent, available but emotionally distant manner.  Like keeping your relationship more formal.  Again, be consistently available but just emotionally distant.  Friendly and polite but distant.  What I would expect is that your BPD loved one might complain about there being less intimacy or intensity and maybe some depression.  But I would expect to see less roller coaster.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Clara Louise]

Hi schwing:

Thank you for your response and your concrete, practical suggestion.  Very much appreciated.

Yes, that's a manageable and importantly sustainable plan: to to be friendly and polite, consistent and available, and formal, especially if the alternative is to either witness his emotional dysregulation or "bite the hook" and respond to an issue that, then, in turn, esculates his emotions and/or further complicates it with my own response.

What I've come to understand over the years is that even if my response is constitently neutral it feels provocative to him. 

Again, much thanks.  I feel like a hit some kind of bottom this month, but from which has emerged a greater capacity to compassionately observe, but not participate.  It's been a real shift.