I feel ok, I went back in time to his old posts

[Idsrvt2]

I hope it's ok I keep posting. I have nowhere to vent.
Tonite I decided to go back in time and look at old posts he made... .
And there it was his decline
The 2nd life addiction Andy the girl that loved him like no one ever has and there were the same words he was happy that he makes her happy.

I always found it odd how he expresses emotions.

I saw it all... how he became addicted to the internet, bought and hoarded firearms, and just vanished.

His post, well her posts sounded so upbeat, she also posted she was on cymbslta and that made her more of a shut in.

She used to go out s lot and then I now believe the internet addicting and other events , maybe even a breakdown caused the rest.

I can see now I couldn't help this... .others she knew for years she morphed on
There were other eye opening posts as well,

The only thing that made me sad is him mentioning that online girl... .because I loved him too ... .he's just at a different stage now... .and online he can hide who he is
I see now how stron of an identity he has with that 2nd life... .and how I could never compete and in the end I was dumped

I needed to see that all tonite and now a small part of me now knows I did the best I could , and maybe just maybe he tried the best he could . In one of the posts it said despite the online stuff he was terribly lonely but could not get back out there.

I wish I knew why I was so drawn to the female version... .was it because I always wanted a sister, was it because I wanted to be some acceptingbhero that got him out of the house.   
It's time I work on myself now so I'm strong for when I see him in a few months.
Like someone posted to me today where is his family?   I wish I knew why they don't try and help. 
I miss her terribly and to be honest I always will miss her .   She always said the timing was bad for us if I met her 7 years ago before she went reclusive ... .she identifies as transgender, did the hormones and all and I often wonder if they messed her up somehow.  Regardless I hope she is in therapy still and is able to have a better life.
And I hope one day I can look back and thank her for setting me free. 
I didn't eat much today... .today was rough    The PO was a reaction to her past nothing I really did, I triggered her ... in the end she will see I didn't get her fired and I meant no harm.   I miss her doing my hair and our shopping trips and I wish instead of getting mad she dropped me off early I told her I missed her.
Newish she could have understood but she couldn't ... .her mind is a mess, my life is chaotic... .it was bad timing .

I need to now work on myself in so many ways I did not communicate well... .I've done this in the past as well... .I get sucked into texting when I'm mad and it is not healthy.  I'm so far I'd of getting hurt I push others away
In many ways I was just as scared as she was.