Question

[OnceEngaged001]

Maybe I can answer this my self but I would like to hear other people's opinions on this. My ex when we got engaged, wasn't super excited about everything like a "typical" girl would. When I would bring up the idea of wedding planning, or something future related, she got visibly anxious and uncomfortable. This second time around when she got back with me after she left me for some kid for 6 months ths, we were talking about taking a vacation. I bought her a plane ticket, but she wouldn't get excited again, she told me she wasn't really sure about 7 months down the line... .Then when she broke up with me, I asked her if this was goodbye forever, is there a possibility that we may be together again(she broke up with me claiming she wanted to be alone to grow and mature and figure her stuff out, lie, she was with a new guy 2 days later) and she told me, I don't know the future. If there's one thing I don't like about people is when they give me a wishywashy answer for a relatively big item in life. Anyhow, anyone else experience similar things? Yes probably part of the push and pull. But was wondering from other people's perspectives.

[g2outfitter]

Similar thing happened to me over a longer period of time.  At first she was the one pushing for the ring, the house together, joint checking accounts.  All of this after being together for a few months.  I wasn't goin to do that (so soon anyway) so that's when the abandonment issues started creeping in and eventually so did the devaluation.

Anyway, we dated for a year and a half.  Split up for 3, then got back together for another 6 months before she ended it again.  The last six months she didn't seem very excited about any future plans.  I could tell she acted much different.

Basically, I came to the conclusion that when we got back together the second time it was only because she didn't want to be alone.  It wasn't because she necessarily wanted to be with me in particular (I had already been devalued) but her fear of being alone was to much for her.  I treated her and her daughter very well so it was convenient for her but deep down, I was just there until replacement #2 could be found.

Kind of hurt to come to that realization.  Keep in mind, this is my experience and it may not apply to you at all.

[enlighten me]

From my perspective I think that once devalued then its very difficult for a recycle to work. Whatever it is about us that trigger the pwBPD doesn't go away. So when a recycle happens it doesn't take long for the feelings that caused the initial break up to come back.

In my case my ex wife recycled me. I think she only did it because she felt I was her best option. She dated a couple of guys in the 6 months we were separated and they didn't work out. I was her financial lifeboat until she lined up her new husband.

[FallenOne]

From my perspective I think that once devalued then its very difficult for a recycle to work. Whatever it is about us that trigger the pwBPD doesn't go away. So when a recycle happens it doesn't take long for the feelings that caused the initial break up to come back.

This. Definitely this... My ex tallied any mistakes/slights I made and constantly reminded me of them in arguments and NEVER forgot about them or let them go...

Every time we broke up and got back together, within a short amount of time, she broke up with me again because those feelings about my mistakes came back... Even though when we got back together she assured me they weren't a problem anymore.

[OnceEngaged001]

Similar thing happened to me over a longer period of time.  At first she was the one pushing for the ring, the house together, joint checking accounts.  All of this after being together for a few months.  I wasn't goin to do that (so soon anyway) so that's when the abandonment issues started creeping in and eventually so did the devaluation.

Anyway, we dated for a year and a half.  Split up for 3, then got back together for another 6 months before she ended it again.  The last six months she didn't seem very excited about any future plans.  I could tell she acted much different.

Basically, I came to the conclusion that when we got back together the second time it was only because she didn't want to be alone.  It wasn't because she necessarily wanted to be with me in particular (I had already been devalued) but her fear of being alone was to much for her.  I treated her and her daughter very well so it was convenient for her but deep down, I was just there until replacement #2 could be found.

Kind of hurt to come to that realization.  Keep in mind, this is my experience and it may not apply to you at all.

Nah the experience is similar in ways. She devalued me the 1st time, because we would always getting into fights that were not necessary at all. Then since she left me and jumped to the next guy so quick I had a hunch that she cheated on me. And I told the whole world. After many berating emails from her, I just let it go.

This 2nd time she came back, then she started saying I was dry with her, and that she deserved it from the first time so naturally I thought it was a sign she wanted more attention. So I started giving her more attention(opening my heart back up). I forgave her long before she came back into my life for the pain and hurt she caused me, and just leaving me over text, etc. She constantly asked me why I had no resentment towards her. She never forgave me for "slandering" her. Yeah it hurts, I have the same realization. She didnt want me, for me, she wanted the comfort of me, and me treating her well enough to find the next one.

[OnceEngaged001]

From my perspective I think that once devalued then its very difficult for a recycle to work. Whatever it is about us that trigger the pwBPD doesn't go away. So when a recycle happens it doesn't take long for the feelings that caused the initial break up to come back.

In my case my ex wife recycled me. I think she only did it because she felt I was her best option. She dated a couple of guys in the 6 months we were separated and they didn't work out. I was her financial lifeboat until she lined up her new husband.

Yes I agree. I was devalued, and then she came back, feelings came back to her, started getting resentful towards me again, she didnt forgive me for what I did(slandering her for leaving and cheating, whcih I DO NOT expect her to forgive me), then she left. The recylce was short lived. I wish her the best, and hope she finds the best guy out there. She needs real love.

[OnceEngaged001]

This. Definitely this... My ex tallied any mistakes/slights I made and constantly reminded me of them in arguments and NEVER forgot about them or let them go...

Every time we broke up and got back together, within a short amount of time, she broke up with me again because those feelings about my mistakes came back... Even though when we got back together she assured me they weren't a problem anymore.

Exactly. Mistakes were made on both sides. Difference between me and her, I forgave all that she did. She doesn't forgive her ex's at all. Every single ex is painted black.

[g2outfitter]

I'm sorry... .our situations are very similar (I told the whole world too about her cheating... .egg was on my face when I took her back later).

It does really hurt to feel so used.

You will come out a better man. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[OnceEngaged001]

I'm sorry... .our situations are very similar (I told the whole world too about her cheating... .egg was on my face when I took her back later).

It does really hurt to feel so used.

You will come out a better man. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Yeah, all my friends called me crazy. Everyone told me not to take her back. No one could stop me though, even after all that, even after 9 months of no contact. I still loved her. Thank you! I appreciate the support and kind words. Prayer is what I really need now.

[OnceEngaged001]

Anyone else notice that their BPD ex lived for the moment? When I confronted her about dating so often, and why she would always date, she said she doesn't want to miss an opportunity, "at least I know when I'm 40 I can say I did all the things I wanted to." Or was that just mine? I know living for the moment isn't BPD specific. Just wondering if that may be a common theme. Can't plan long term, can't think long term, scared to think long term. When asked about how she plans out her future she would hit me with the, "I just try to live life right everyday, I don't worry about the future." Yes I agree to a certain extent about the future, you can't worry too much about it, there's nothing you can really do. But to be so wreckless and say, "I lived my life how I wanted to," sounds so selfish and narcissitic, etc. Or maybe that's just my bitterness and biased viewpoint on it.

[once removed]

Or was that just mine? I know living for the moment isn't BPD specific. Just wondering if that may be a common theme. Can't plan long term, can't think long term, scared to think long term.

impulsivity is a hallmark and diagnostic criteria of BPD.

Maybe I can answer this my self but I would like to hear other people's opinions on this. My ex when we got engaged, wasn't super excited about everything like a "typical" girl would.

intimacy is a trigger. it heightens the conflicting fears of engulfment and abandonment. we tend to experience this as push/pull, yes.