No win is exhausting

[Desperately down]

Hi,

I need help to know if I am going crazy or not. I also really want to understand my wife more.  I am exhausted of the no win situations that constantly arise for us. For example, last night we argued. It started because she brought up us separating our finances again.

Now normally I wouldn't mind, in fact when we met this is how I would have preferred it, but she raged until she had access to everything. when we met I was the sole earner and for a few years after I was then the higher earner. She has been wanting to separate our finances only since  she became the higher earner due to a job change for us both. I had to reduce my earning potential due to health issues and she managed to increase hers due to studying.  It not her being paid into her own account that bothers me it the reason she gives for it.

Due to her high impulsiveness with money, and constant wearing me down when I said no (the usual rage types scenarios of threats, berating, and emotionally bullying until she got what she wanted) we ran up a lot of debt. We took big financial decisions like credit cards, a house we couldn't afford, and far too many animals (we spend over 200bucks a month on pet stuff alone). This means when either of us get paid the money is already spent and as such we don't really have enough to (as she puts it) "live" she still expects to by vast amounts of clothes (most of which she then never wears, and continue saying she has nothing to wear) she still expects to go out to expensive restaurant each week.

So anyway back to last night. So I get upset when she brings it up again because it always come up because when our money clears I pay bills which are either due or over due (because time has proven to me that we will spend the money if I don't.) I feel upset because it feels like a really unfair double standard. When I was the one earning more or even the only one earning she pressured me so everything should be shared, now that she is the higher earner it a different story.

 I also don't trust her to pay the bills as she has all her life leaft things go past due, and missed payments. Due to her financial priorities we are nearly bankrupt as it is.

Then after I calm down I say to her "ok then, we can separate our wages to sole accounts... .We just need to ensure that we meet all our bills on time" then she gets mad again saying I am just trying to make her feel guilty... .Honestly I am at a point of apathy over it. She already has taken so much control over me with emotional blackmail in the past I fell like I should just lay back and say "ok sure come in, just be sure to wipe your feet on my face as you do"

During our arguments  she mentions divorce  (which translates to "I am not getting my way"  this she knows it triggers me. If i hold back my anger she mocks the way I speak. If I express my anger she then tries to frame me as the aggressor and the one who stared it.  Sometime I swear she rages at me just to ensnare me in a trap. Once I'm there she goes completely calm and acts like I'm the one who started because I'm the one wound up... .Arggggh!

I sorry this is rambling but seriously I am at my wits end with how life has been these past few years. Nothing has ever been good enough for my wife and now after giving her everything (even what I didn't have) I have become the reason her life is so bad... .

I feel like I am going crazy

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

I hear you, no matter what you do is the worst thing you could have done, or the most complicated answer, when it was "so easy" to do it right. Next time you do exactly what she said it was the right thing, and "how could you be so dumb/cruel/insensitive... .?" It IS exhausting.

I'm at a point of apathy too, and I look depressed, and she hates it, but I have to feel I have at least the right to be sad, don't I?

Good luck, mate.