Working with BPDx

[FSTL]

Anyone else working with their ex?

Most days I find it easy and we seem to be in a good place (low contact, stick to business only, I don't share personal stuff, don't ask her either), then every now and again we slip up... .like Thursday/Friday this week. I made the mistake of asking her about a hol (she was going somewhere interesting) and she said she was going with another guy she was seeing. I had a pang of pain, but then left after 5 mins of small talk thinking "this is good, she is someone else's problem and will hopefully move on". I blanked her on the new bf when she mentioned it (neither good nor bad).

Then the next day, she dropped by my office (not done that this year) - again, small talk... .but my spidey sense is saying that there is something amiss her. The whole office had drinks that night. She showed up for one drink with other people, then messaged me and said she didn't feel comfortable with the group there and asked me if I was up for a drink at a local bar we used to drink at. If I was sober, I would have made excuses, but habit just kicked in and I said yes. We had a nice time (we always did), although she did ask me if I was dating anyone (I said I was in the pool, nothing serious). She had to go back to the office for something, so we went our own ways... .but then I felt terrible the next day, especially when she messaged me about nothing and after -6 messages she raged about some non-issue.

We haven't messaged since (I decided to send a defusing message and leave it be), but I do fear this will go on (and I am probably answering my own question here), but I think better boundaries and wariness of contact when drunk are a good idea.

Any other tips out there?

[earlyL]

This is a tough one, and something I struggle with everyday, I also work with my exBPD we run a company together. My situation is quite different as my ex is now with the person she had an affair with, or so it would seem, she never actually told me, and that alone I find incredibly hard to deal with. I had to watch them together at an opening of one of our events a couple of weeks after splitting, it was brutal.

I think though our mindsets are similar - there is a part of me that thinks, well this new person can now deal with all the silent treatment and the controlling behaviour, but at the same time it makes me question if I was not good enough why did she go off with someone else and I think that is why I have to have no contact as soon as possible. Even though you were feeling secure enough to go out for a drink just being with her has re-ignited some of the emotion in you from before. I think is probably quite natural. The progress you will have already made will be helpful so this probably won't be as big a set back as you might feel right now, but it will take some time for your emotions to settle again. I agree I don't touch alcohol at the moment, as I just worry it will cause me to either reach out or feel bad.

Before this did you ever feel you wanted to hang out with her, or do you think it was an absolute spur of the moment decision? Perhaps in the long term it is good you have done this as that is now out of your system, and you know to avoid it in the future.

[FSTL]

This is a tough one, and something I struggle with everyday, I also work with my exBPD we run a company together. My situation is quite different as my ex is now with the person she had an affair with, or so it would seem, she never actually told me, and that alone I find incredibly hard to deal with. I had to watch them together at an opening of one of our events a couple of weeks after splitting, it was brutal.

Am sorry you're going through this.

Mine actually cheated on me with the guy she is seeing now - long story, but I found messages between them and it was the catalyst for the (almost... .) final break up. We started to slip back together again before we had a coffee and I asked her for space and boundaries. She was in a lucid moment and agreed (although she subtly attacked me, saying felt we were getting back together, but didn't want to, and I was stopping her moving on with her life ... .).

Anyway, that worked for a while (she had two months holiday, so didn't see her), but now we seem to be backsliding again.

Being completely honest with myself... .I would love to hang out with her because we (almost) always have a great time. But the pattern is always the same... .great time, then she pushes away and lashes out. And I know that, even though she is in therapy, she is still BPD and the cheating/lying hasn't gone away. I asked her last night if everything was ok (because her reaching out two days in a row, and almost desperation to catch up for a drink, was out of the blue) and she said no ... .but I just don't believe her. Either things aren't going well with the other guy, or she is anxious/depressed and needs me to fill that hole in her soul.

[Idsrvt2]

I don't work with mine he is my mail man... and he took out a protection order out of the blue after saying he would not, then wanted it dropped after I got one as well.   I guess he needed me away from him after I basically said 2nd life or me... .it's not easy I see him almost daily , not by choice but accident usually... .he can still work he seems not affected by the break up at all.  I think for me my instinct was correct and he has someone online... .

It's tough being forced by a court order to go Nc when the person isn't literally outside your door for four hours a day.     I have to admit I wish we could have ended on friendly terms because I miss them... .I wouldn't feel so horrid I think either .

Sounds to me like your x is looking to recycle you. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be in a work setting with an xBPD

[FSTL]

Sounds to me like your x is looking to recycle you. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be in a work setting with an xBPD

Thanks and sorry you have to deal with your situation... .although to be honest, I would prefer NC (which I have with my ex-wife who cheated on me) to LC (which I have with BPDx) - ie "friendly terms" as it would avoid the backsliding. I only do LC because I have to and to avoid an emotional blow up from her to get attention.

I feel you're right about the recycling - even if it's just a case of her BPD activating with the new guy and trying to have me as an emotional crutch... .just in case he abandons her. I saw her messages one night and it was like looking into the mind of a crazy person... .she had replacements for her replacements ready... .

[FSTL]

[Infern0]

I worked with mine for a while last year (post B/U) and it was a nightmare.

We would be LC one minute, NC the next, then back again.

The big problem was that EVERYONE at our work sided with me over what happened, although 90% of people were mature enough to just stay out of it, 1 or 2 of the people there would really antagonise her and it made the drama a lot worse as she would blame me for people "hating her" and i'd be being peacekeeper, and then some people there would stalk her social media even though i didn't want to know, and they'd walk past and be like ":)ating again already huh" etc etc.

It was terrible but eventually she got fired, i left soon after because that workplace was actually pretty toxic.

[FSTL]

Wow - that does sound toxic!

We're different as work is really supportive (worried about law suits), although people gossiped when we were together.

I hope she leaves - being fired wouldn't be good as it might come back as a law suit and shine the light on me, which I am not keen on. I knew she wasn't great at her job when we got together... .I helped her, which I am sure is part of her attraction to me - big, big red flag I have taken note of and really avoid the hopeless types when I come across them.