Starting again ... but hoping not to make the same mistakes

[foggydew]

My uBPD friend is back home again after an 18 month stint working away, with many catastrophes. I have tried to support him through all the mess, in spite of some horrendous treatment, and since he reduced his alcohol intake after alcohol therapy he has been a different person. Well, mostly.
Whatever - he is really happy to be back and shows it. He has been very supportive and considerate after a recent accident I had, and seems to be doing his best, though you can see he struggles at times.
What I find interesting is that he is testing the limits again. Now that I know him and know his family I can understand what is going on - they are very strict and not very helpful in many ways. This is where I have the problem, because the things he does are no big deal for me really, and I probably would not have noticed it again if he hadn't criticised himself - leaving some washing with me when he is just moving back into his flat, leaving furniture and other stuff with me till his room is decorated. I'd do that for anyone. His parents, though, would not. I have lent him money and told him he can begin to pay back when he has a job. They know he is in a difficult situation and have not offered any help. I want to stick to my own principles of being helpful but not send any false messages like... you can walk all over me. But I can see that the great problem is going to be how he perceives these things emotionally. He seems to be constantly sounding out the relationship - and I am trying to be matter of fact, supportive, honest.
The good thing is that I no longer feel dependent and don't need to make him the centre of my life. The long period after my husband's death seems to be finished, and my old interests are returning (as well as some new ones), I'm starting working again, and I feel whole. This is a good starting point, and it also helps that I know I have to expect different phases and that he won't see or experience things as I do. And there again is my difficulty - making sure he can understand that my limits are there, even if they are not as rigid as he has experienced in his family. I don't have children, but maybe it is much the same as getting teenagers to respect their parents during that difficult phase... :-)

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[heartandwhole]

Hi foggydew,

I am trying to be matter of fact, supportive, honest.
The good thing is that I no longer feel dependent and don't need to make him the centre of my life. The long period after my husband's death seems to be finished, and my old interests are returning (as well as some new ones), I'm starting working again, and I feel whole.

This sounds really good to me.  Things are shifting in a positive direction!

This is a good starting point, and it also helps that I know I have to expect different phases and that he won't see or experience things as I do. And there again is my difficulty - making sure he can understand that my limits are there, even if they are not as rigid as he has experienced in his family.

Have your boundaries/limits changed? I'm asking because you mention that you want him to know that the limits are there—wouldn't he know from former conversation and/or previous attempts to push them (if that happened)?

If he's used to his family's more rigid limits, then I can see why he might be hesitant with you, and testing things out. You sound very grounded and calm—is that how you are letting him know what's in and out of bounds so far?

heartandwhole

[foggydew]

Thanks so much for replying. Things are continuing in a positive way, with minor setbacks. He screamed at me yesterday morning for bringing some of his belongings to him, saying he had enough stuff at present, and being very sarcastic. I merely told him I didn't see why I should have it at my place, and left. Later he phoned and apologised for being unfriendly. He invited me for a snack, so I went, then helped with some of his clearing up. At some point he began to criticise everything again, so I said 'I think you want to be on your own'. 'Possibly' he said, so I wished him good night and left.  But then he kept coming over to pick things up, very unnecessarily - then apologised again for being unfriendly and said he'd feel better in the morning. I kept everything flat, with little emotion, but friendly, and it seemed to work.

In the past, he has criticised me beyond anything normal and told me how stupid and impossible I am. I usually ignored it and let him explode. That also incensed him - that I didn't show any emotion, so he tried even harder to annoy me or hurt me. He tried it again about a week ago, and I told him to leave. Quietly, but definitely - and in this phase, he accepts it and is doing ok. I am trying to ensure he doesn't feel too lonely but also not overwhelmed by my presence.
We have even managed to talk about some of his problems - stress and his reaction to it (he can't function, can't remember anything) and that he sometimes needs to feel angry to be motivated enough to do anything.
So, no fireworks at the moment, just gentle, continuous effort. It IS really interesting to see his personality unfold, and I am trying to make sure that he is not my only contact. Bit difficult at the moment because the small accident has made me relatively immobile, and the social situation for me is that unless I make an effort and go out, no soul contacts me. He's the only one. There, nothing has changed, though I have really tried very hard.

[heartandwhole]

foggydew,

I admire how you are handling this. It sounds like you have erected some good boundaries that fit with your values. As a result, you don't have to get angry or upset to communicate them. You just matter-of-factly state your position and then take action, without any drama.

Well done. 

I can understand that getting support from others is hard right now since your accident. I hear that no one contacts you outside of him. It sounds like you have made attempts to reach out to others, though—is that right?

Is there something else that might be influencing the lack of "outside" contact besides your current immobility?

heartandwhole

[Grey Kitty]

In the past, he has criticised me beyond anything normal and told me how stupid and impossible I am. I usually ignored it and let him explode. That also incensed him - that I didn't show any emotion, so he tried even harder to annoy me or hurt me.

Ignoring the provocation isn't the best response... .

1. It is invalidating to him--Since you aren't reacting, it is as if you are telling him he doesn't exist, or doesn't matter.

2. Listening to that still drags you down, in ways you may not sense. We all tend to believe we are strong enough to take it, but the effects are subtle and corrosive. Dripping water will erode away stone eventually.

The best practice would be either to call him on his behavior ("Stop it", without getting drawn into JADEing  over whether he is really doing it, or whether it is really that bad, etc., etc., etc., or to simply remove yourself from his company, and leave him to be pissy and critical by himself!

[foggydew]

Heart and whole, thanks again. My problem is that I have no close family, no children, and even the good friends I have are too busy with work and their own family. Yes, I have tried for years now to build up more friendships - it doesn't work. Been to courses, try to go out regularly - that brings contacts, but apparently here friendships are made in youth and when you are older - forget it. I did think I had found one friend (also a widow) but she has turned out to be pretty abusive towards me at times. So, distance. UBPD friend substitutes as family for me - and he is pretty much in the same situation. And at least there I feel I can be of some use on a personal basis. I've started to teach again, that helps with contact and feeling useful. Retirement is a plague.
All my life I have had close friends, of both sexes. I can be alone, but totally alone is very difficult.
Grey Kitty, thanks for your comment. I hadn't thought of it like that before - and I think you are right. He has always been the unimportant one in his family, the black sheep, the one who had to be different to be noticed. So ignoring the behaviour just fed his insecurities. Having a long break from his aggression has helped me a lot, and I'm going to do my best to make our relationship work in a way that benefits us both.