SS24 addict likely BPD

[NorthernGirl]

I have been on the boards for years since we have long suspected DH's ex is BPD. I have been with DH almost 11 years. He has 3 sons - 22, 24 and 26.

The son we are most concerned about these days in SS24. He has long been addicted to drugs and alcohol (in about 5 treatment programs since he was 15) and is enmeshed with his uBPD mom (she enables his addictions).

This week UBPD emailed to say SS24 was tested and diagnosed with BPD. We don't really know if she is telling the truth but if she is, this diagnosis would not be a surprise. He models himself after her. His sporadic communication with DH sounds a lot like his Mom. He usually only texts DH if he needs money or he wants to slam DH so his mom will let him move back in. SS24 wrote a couple nasty letters to or about DH - most recently one that his mom gave to the court last year when she tried unsuccessfully to get sole Guardianship of SS22 who has development delays. DH now has sole Guardianship of SS22. Her mental illness became very evident in court and was likely why the judge ruled against her.

UBPD sent long emails this week explaining BPD (unnecessary since we've become well versed because of her.) She said SS24 has moved out and somewhere along the way went to a clinic because he was suicidal. Not sure if this was before or after he was diagnosed. DH did not respond to her.

DH is going to his T this week to talk about what he should do. His first reaction was to text SS24 but he wasn't sure what to say. He's not sure if he should mention BPD, or suggest he go for counselling. For years DH has suggested SS24 do counselling but even when he has, he admits he doesn't say anything bad about his mom. His mom blames DH and SS26 for every family problem, which she did again this week.

I have started sharing some of the lessons from this thread with DH. The added complication of addictions makes things more difficult. We suspect SS24 is not sober and is only able to stay sober in treatment programs. One reason SS24 hasn't lived with us for years is he stole and lied constantly, including stealing from his special needs brother. We needed to protect SS22.

Is there anything on this board that covers an adult child with BPD who is also an addict? I know it is not uncommon. Since SS24 is not communicating with DH, is likely not sober there may be nothing DH can do unless SS24 reaches out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

It's really sad when a child inherits the BPD legacy

My SO's D19 appears to be the same, tho thankfully she is not abusing substances.

I know that Rapt Reader had a child who was in a dual diagnosis program and had some success. She hasn't been active on the boards for a bit, but perhaps there are posts in her history with more detail.

There is also Lesson 6, which focuses on treatment centers. I don't see a heading for dual diagnosis, tho. Maybe there is something in the material that points to it?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.msg12588412#msg12588412

LnL

[NorthernGirl]

Thanks LnL! I forgot that I've gotten ideas from Rapt Reader in the past when we suspected SS24 may have a PD so I will go back through old threads. Thanks for the reminder.

I think one of the challenges is SS24's long history of not engaging in counselling. Not that he didn't have opportunities, just that he refused to participate. SS24's first treatment program, when he was about 15, was dual diagnosis because of his combined depression and addiction. His first T was a social worker who said "I don't believe in BPD", when I asked about the behaviors we were seeing in DH's ex. The T said things such as "no mother is ever perfect".

SS24's next T asked if DH and I had ever heard of BPD after only a few sessions of seeing uBPD in action. When uBPD quickly saw that the T wasn't buying her stories, she pulled SS24 out of that program. She then insisted SS24 go to a short-term wilderness program.

Later, after SS24 stopped communicating with his mom for months, uBPD approached DH insisting they agree together to force SS24 into an expensive private treatment program. She said she would pay half (ha!) but that never happened. DH agreed. She selected this program because it had a family counselling component which meant that she, DH and SS24 would be in sessions with the T together. It allowed her to blame DH, and not let DH see the T separately. Eventually the T figured out what was going on. He told DH and I the only way SS24 is going to deal with his addiction is if he can figure out his relationship with his Mom. That was about 6 years ago, and he's still in the same place.

By the time SS24 left that program, he was an adult. His Mom sent him to at least two more programs, one that lasted a full year in a remote location with no professional counselling and a focus on turning to God to help overcome addictions. SS24 doesn't believe in God but he stayed the whole year (and relapsed within days of getting back.)

I believe SS24 has only ever gone to treatment programs to please others. He does the minimum required to be kept in the program, but it becomes clear he doesn't say anything about his mom. In the early days, he specifically asked me to be part of the programs. I can only guess that he was thinking I would spell things out. He stopped communicating with me two years ago. 

DH met with his own T this week, who helped remind him that uBPD's ranting emails were abusive and SS24 is still in the same position he has been in for years. SS24 needs to be willing to do the work, which likely means he needs to be willing to break from his Mom (at least temporarily) and stay sober. Two very hard things for an addict who is enabled by his Mom.

The T talked about how DH should continue to be the strong, stable parent for when SS24 is ready to do the hard work. She said DH shouldn't bring up the diagnosis and that she would be surprised if SS24 would have been diagnosed if the professional doing the testing knew SS24 was an addict, and likely not in recovery. No surprise as uBPD said she arranged the testing, and she refuses to tell people SS24 is an addict.

It was good for DH to talk this out with his T.

[livednlearned]

It is really, really difficult to watch kids come so close to diagnosis and treatment, only to have it removed from reach by a parent  

I think you are right that SS24 won't get better as long as he is living with his uBPD mom. The combination of dealing with his addiction and her influence are likely so entwined, and he probably lacks the psychological scaffolding to untangle from her (and the drugs), even with a trained specialist helping.

What happened two years ago when he stopped communicating with you?

[NorthernGirl]

What happened two years ago when he stopped communicating with you?

When SS24 went into a dual diagnosis treatment center two years ago, he seemed to be relieved to be there. DH and I separately reached out to him offering our encouragement and support. He shared my email with his mom, who sent off a nasty rant directly to me. SS24 then sent DH a horrible four-page letter blaming DH for every problem SS24 has ever had. Later he supplied another letter to his Mom (slamming DH) to use in a court proceeding on guardianship of SS24's brother. The judge called the letter "inappropriate" and said she didn't use it in her decision. At the time, DH's T commented on how similar the two letters from SS24 were to the ongoing rants that DH gets from his uBPDx.

When the decision came that DH got sole guardianship of his younger brother, SS24 reached out as though nothing had happened -- hey Dad, I'm ready to start talking again. DH suggested they meet through a T, first SS24 and then both of them. SS24 initially agreed but then after a couple sessions he said he didn't like either of the two T's DH suggested and wouldn't suggest others so that all ended. Since then, SS24 reached out to DH asking for money several times, then texted and posted rants on DH's Facebook page. DH keeps in touch with the occasional "hoping you are doing okay" texts.

I have chosen to stay out of all the back-and-forth between DH and SS24. 

SS24's situation is so sad. He is bright, handsome, athletic, funny, musical, etc. He says he started using alcohol when he was 13 to cope and then moved on to drugs. His life has gone up and down since then, mostly with long stretches of trying to live with his Mom to similar stretches apart. In and out of treatment. Time in jail, time on the street and still no rock bottom.

His relationship with me has been superficial and guarded since the beginning. I wish I could convince him of the huge potential I know he has.

Thanks, as always LnL.