To send the final letter or not?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exBPD and I run a company together, I have taken some time but I no longer feel I can be part of this, the pain it causes to have her in my life is too much. I am gutted, I worked hard and built this company up - in truth I think she will also be sad that I have made this decision.

However, I really feel I need to explain to her why this is. The short version of the story is I found out at xmas she had started an affair, she told me she wanted to be with me, but it was like watching her discard me over six weeks. It was horrific, I feel I supported her through a break up - then she moved out, said she wanted to date other people (didn't have anyone lined up... .) and I ended the relationship.

A few weeks later and we have the grand launch of our company - a big deal for us in the industry, we have had a lot of press, we have worked hard. The new lover was there, the whole week of the project, she held court at all the drinks and was introduced to friends and I was dismissed as if I had never been part of any of it. I actually suspect my exBPD didn't even realise the hurt she was causing, but it was brutal. I really thought they would have waited another week, I can't believe two people would be so insensitive.

This is the real reason I cannot continue, I cannot be part of this circus, (the lover married her long term male partner at xmas, I believe she has now left him). I just think anything else is going to cause me pain. But I want my ex to know this and I am not sure if I am doing it for the right reasons. I hurt, and I have lost my partner and a business I have worked incredibly hard for, it is a double whammy as a friend said. I am angry she will have this great career without me, when I was the one that paid in time and money and gave her the confidence to go for it. I have no doubt someone else will step in quickly - the company is very successful.

Do I write and explain to her why I am leaving, or do I just keep it simple. I really cannot decide. I guess I want her to know why, but deep down she probably does know. I imagine she kept me at arms length to help with her guilt.

Does anyone have any experience in that final letter - I don't want to cause some horrible response. My ex had a habit of continually saying 'I am sorry you feel that way'. Perhaps the most passive aggressive apology ever.

Any thoughts much appreciated

Thank you for reading

E

[earlyL]

My exBPD and I run a company together, I have taken some time but I no longer feel I can be part of this, the pain it causes to have her in my life is too much. I am gutted, I worked hard and built this company up - in truth I think she will also be sad that I have made this decision.

However, I really feel I need to explain to her why this is. The short version of the story is I found out at xmas she had started an affair, she told me she wanted to be with me, but it was like watching her discard me over six weeks. It was horrific, I feel I supported her through a break up - then she moved out, said she wanted to date other people (didn't have anyone lined up... .) and I ended the relationship.

A few weeks later and we have the grand launch of our company - a big deal for us in the industry, we have had a lot of press, we have worked hard. The new lover was there, the whole week of the project, she held court at all the drinks and was introduced to friends and I was dismissed as if I had never been part of any of it. I actually suspect my exBPD didn't even realise the hurt she was causing, but it was brutal. I really thought they would have waited another week, I can't believe two people would be so insensitive.

This is the real reason I cannot continue, I cannot be part of this circus, (the lover married her long term male partner at xmas, I believe she has now left him). I just think anything else is going to cause me pain. But I want my ex to know this and I am not sure if I am doing it for the right reasons. I hurt, and I have lost my partner and a business I have worked incredibly hard for, it is a double whammy as a friend said. I am angry she will have this great career without me, when I was the one that paid in time and money and gave her the confidence to go for it. I have no doubt someone else will step in quickly - the company is very successful.

Do I write and explain to her why I am leaving, or do I just keep it simple. I really cannot decide. I guess I want her to know why, but deep down she probably does know. I imagine she kept me at arms length to help with her guilt.

Does anyone have any experience in that final letter - I don't want to cause some horrible response. My ex had a habit of continually saying 'I am sorry you feel that way'. Perhaps the most passive aggressive apology ever.

Any thoughts much appreciated

Thank you for reading

E

[icesoul]

I don't think you need to give any explanation, it should be the other way around

I poured my heart out and was only met with dead silence...   if she truly BPD which I think my wife is , once they made up their mind , you don't exist ...

What I learned that you have to show you can carless. It's very difficult even for me... also depends on what you trying to achieve from that letter. Their mental understanding​be is like dealing with a child

[Idsrvt2]

Is it your personal company?

As for the letter I vote for not sending it... .what was to be my final text got me a knock on the door by the police and a protection order.  They aren't like us they don't need closure the way we do.  They see most things as an insult or attack.

[patientandclear]

As you said, she knows already, and if she didn't, your reasons are an obvious guess. Her having to do the mental work to figure it out isn't a bad thing.

[Huh?]

Any letter you send will be twisted and turned around on you and used to show her friends and family that you are the crazy one, abuser, etc in order to gain their support.

The disordered are not the same, but my ex used to always forward text messages or emails (or parts of) to me from whoever she was currently in conflict with... .there was always somebody.

I sent the letter you want to my cheating ex... .a few actually... .all met with silence.  I even tried to carefully choose my words to make them "twist proof"... .but I'm sure those emails made the rounds with her friends and such.

She knows why you broke up already, save your breath and sanity.

[Redstar91]

Sent a letter myself 1.5 month ago after she called my parents 3 weekends in a row, was met with silence.

[statsattack]

I wrote and gave my x a final letter and got a no contact order. If you want I can send you the letter to see if it's violent n scary like she claims

[stimpy]

Hi EarlyL, I'd say that if you're having to ask the question, then my instinct is to say "no", there's no need to explain yourself and there's no need to send any communciation. It tells me that your gut is questioning sending any final communication, and normally our gut feel is pretty accurate.

However, if you do feel the need to send a final communication, then I'd say be as gracious, even handed, calm and generous as you can - within reason of course! Why? so that you know that whatever was done to you, the final gesture on your part is something you can look back on with pride and integrity. And so that it can't be re-interpreted or mis-interpreted by her friends or family or worst case, the cops. But mainly so that you can leave with grace and a knowledge that the final communication is one that maybe gives you closure?

[AustenJ]

I sent a final email to me diagnosed exBPDgf that gave me some closure and that I felt good about because I did not rage on her or criticize her behavior. It was more about me and how I needed to protect my heart and heal from this relationship and pursue my dreams. I ended the email with, "I am an incredible guy who only deserves the best in life. Unfortunately, you are not the best for me. Be good to yourself. See you in the next life." She has yet to respond to this email as she has been quickly enmeshed with my replacement.

We actually discussed our break up at the time she discarded me, even though she wasn't completely sure why she was discarding me. She had also apologized and said it was all on her for the break up, and stuck to that same story to several of my friends. So as far as I know, she has not smeared me. She has always said the word "hate" was not in her vocabulary... .and I don't recall her hating on any of her past relationships... .she may have been critical of them, but never raging or hating.

In retrospect, I am glad she ended the relationship when she did because it was so toxic to my mental health, and I was at the point of giving up everything for her. She lied, she cheated, she cut, she purged, she abused alcohol... .I was only a caretaker for her... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey early, What's the point?  If you're looking for closure, it's doubtful that you'll get it.  Like those above, I would advise against it because, once it is sent, you are giving her all the power while you await a response which may never be forthcoming.  In general, it is an invitation for more pain and suffering.  Don't expect her to say, "You're right; it's partly my fault," because in my view that will never happen, sad to say.

LuckyJim

[UnforgivenII]

I did . He never answered. But  I am happy I did. For myself.

If you write It do it for yourself. Do not expect anything.

[In a bad way]

I sent one 5 months ago after after 5 months of not seeing her and never had a reply.
Only problem with a letter and not getting a reply is you never know if it was received, even though it was signed for it wasn't her signature. I know who signed for it (in her name, basically forged) so maybe it wasn't given to her.I'll never know.

[Breathe066]

I agree with Huh? The fact is, nothing is twist proof. I think if my BPD husband were actually in meaningful counseling, he might stand a chance of reading an email in the way that someone non-BPD might. But I think it's important to remember that reading from a defensive stance, an angry victim stance, will just naturally result in twisting.
It really wouldn't hurt her to have to figure things out the way you've had to figure things out. In fact, she may actually be able to find some reason to feel hurt in your letter. Believe me, if anyone can do it, a pwBPD can.

[earlyL]

Thank you all so much, this is really helpful and exactly what I needed to hear.

@icesoul - thank you, yes an explanation from her would have helped. Even her admitting the truth, piecing together the lies has been pretty brutal.

@Idsrvt2 - thank you, it is a personal company, just the two of us (ugh) so it has a huge implication of me leaving.

@patientandclear - thank you, it is interesting you say that, I was thinking the same thing. My only fear is she will say to people in the industry she doesn't know why I left, but there is every chance she will do that anyway. I found out yesterday that her lover is telling everyone they are together now, so it is common knowledge (we work in a very small industry).

@huh? that is useful to hear, thank you. I like you have said 'the letter I want to send' - you are spot on. It's so comforting but sad to know people understand exactly what we are going through.

@redstar91 - thank you, that is interesting. Were you expecting to hear from it or did you feel this might be the case of silence?

@statsattack thank you for responding, that is awful - I am so sorry, I am sure it is not how they claim, it is terrifying there are so many stories like this.

@stimpy - thank you yes, I agree, I am asking the question because my gut is saying no, and I wish I had stuck to my gut instinct about the cheating right away. But yes, I think you are right, it would be gracious - I have written the angry one and the gracious one and I know I will only send the latter. I feel I have come so far working with her for six weeks while watching her with the new lover, I kept my head high and lots of people have commented on that, so I don't want to fall at the last hurdle.

@complicated thank you, it is about the closure for me I think, and I had something similar, about being on different universes, but I am incredibly proud of the work we have done and she can move forward with the company and I will always be proud to be part of it. She knows I will be gutted to leave, it was my dream too so I don't need to go down that route and keep it like yours. Your story is similar, my ex kept saying she loved me even after I ended it, but she was so obviously discarding me. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but she was with the replacement (who she had had an affair) within weeks, so I knew I did the right thing. This is the first time I have heard someone else say though that they did discuss it. Sometimes I wish she had just left and never said anything, but I know we are all in the same deep pain.

@luckyjim - thank you, yes I don't think I will get any closure, and it is the pain that any response or silence that stops me. The most I got already was 'I did my best' I had to stop myself from laughing when she said that. Didn't stop her from parading the lover around in front of me 4 days later.

@UnforgiveII - thank you, I am glad it helped you. I have followed your posts and your story is truly horrible.

@In a Bad way - thank you, my T suggested waiting six months, and seeing how I felt. Did you know you were always going to send something or did you just feel like it after five months? That is true, you can never guarantee.

@Breathe066 - thank you, yes the angry victim stance is so true - I have to be really careful how I word my business emails at the moment for exactly that. I feel a lot more experienced in it now that I was before which is god. Yes, my god she has left me to figure stuff out. It makes me feel sick still how manipulative she has been, and I don't even think she was always aware.

[cubicinch]

I was left with no choice by my ex GF; she wouldn't answer the phone so I hand made a card and included a note on valentines day just gone. It was tasteful and more about me asking what had happened to the beautiful girl full of life and expectancy that I'd met? Questioning what had happened to go so wrong. I showed a close female friend that I confide in and she said it was okay, very touching and not creepy, I was just trying to find out what was going on, without wanting to actually go over and potentially turn into a stalker (!)

I did get texts from her, she wanted to talk about 'things' but also said that she had hurt me and there was no going back. So despite PD traits, she did recognise that her behaviour was out of order, although the letter/card was a big clue. I never got the conclusion I wanted out of it, it just moved us further apart. As others have said, I think once their mind is made up, there's no reconciliation. It won't achieve much if anything positive.

 

[jhkbuzz]

What a horrific story - I'm so, so sorry.

I sent a letter after we broke up - lies, affairs, utterly callous behavior - same as you. In many ways, I sent the letter for me - because I had things I wanted to say. I didn't want a response, I didn't get one, and I was fine with that. I said my piece, and I said it without being cruel.

I know how your heart feels right now. It is inconceivable that someone who once claimed to love you could turn around and treat you with such cold disregard. Breakups are one thing, and they happen in the course of everyone's life... .but this is something different. Something cold and cutting and difficult to wrap your brain around.

Whatever you decide to do, do it because it's the best thing for YOU.