BPD's distorted reality and feeling very tired

[Depression = 72% of members]

I get all of that. My ex used to complain that I would talk to others about what was happening. It got to the point that she wouldn't be around my family or friends because they knew too much.

What do you mean by stop acting crazy? What things are currently happening that fall into that category? Maybe we can help!

[Meili]

I get all of that. My ex used to complain that I would talk to others about what was happening. It got to the point that she wouldn't be around my family or friends because they knew too much.

What do you mean by stop acting crazy? What things are currently happening that fall into that category? Maybe we can help!

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[onelittleladybug]

What do you mean by stop acting crazy? What things are currently happening that fall into that category? Maybe we can help!

Well currently not much other than him stonewalling me. He has blocked me on every channel of communication we have used. Remember I gave him the letter? He said "why a letter, cant you tell me to my face?" Then "friends only, not resuming a romantic r/s". So basically he offered friendship that night but continues to block me. Which makes friendship impossible. And has avoided me, even hidden from me when running into him outside the house.

The crazy I was referring to is the pattern we are in. Im an active participant. I try to use the tools ---> but if Im feeling stressed about something else or generally feeling depleted by people in my life or things that have been going on that are not related to him. Or if Im tired of him dysregulating and just feel like I need a quiet "normal" night. I get impatient and he starts testing me, I snap and we are off in a fight that escalates and ends badly. I get to a point where I feel like I just cannot handle this, he will either sense how I feel and call me out on breaking up with him or occasionally I will both feel and say Im done. Explosion followed by long lasting silent treatment. Then missing, coming together, not resolving anything but feeling close. Another trigger for me lately is simply feeling rejected myself. We sleep together in a tight embrace but sex has been off the table for months, that was his decision. After a break up he decided that we could only be friends. He didnt elaborate on it but the idea I had from him was that he was basically agreeing with me that the beginning of our r/s was too rushed. I understood it as slowing things down and although I didnt see that part of it as the main area to focus on I didnt really think it was something to argue about or reason with. But soon after I started feeling like it was more of a control thing. It felt like if I behaved a certain way he would eventually "reward" me with a relationship and all that entails. That didnt make me want it more. Ironically that made me doubt if I want to be in one with him. I have thought about it a lot if we should just be friends. While all of this is happening we have also been growing a friendship that is real. F.ex. when I got injured a month ago he took me to the hospital even when he was and had a good reason to be upset with me. I thought really highly of him for that. I tried to just see him as a friend and I did tell him at some point I was going to stop staying over. I tried, didnt really work out. About 4 months ago after breakup and becoming friends I decided to date and I was open and honest about it with him beforehand. I ended up not going ahead with it because my heart wasnt in it. Btw this was BEFORE I learned about BPD. When he said "lets just be friends" I took it 100% seriously and at face value as I usually do with everyone in my life. Now I know that he didnt necessarily mean it and that me going out with that guy (nothing happened not even a handshake) was probably counteractive. He doesnt know about that one date though he just cant sleep when I go out.

OK Ive gotten off track. Its basically endless push pull and it triggers me. He will tell me he loves me and wants to be with me on a regular basis but then sometimes denies it. He has accidentally called me his woman or girlfriend a few times then gotten really mad about it when I asked him about it and flat out denied it happening. I have been trying to use the tools and build something, improve but the silent treatments just mess me up. I have exploded on him. He doesnt rage anymore but stonewalling makes it so that for the past 3 months its about 70% silent treatment vs together time. We were closer than ever to getting back together again right before last fight. It was me that broke down and I think I was feeling worn by all the tests and hoops to jump through tbh.

[onelittleladybug]

I just wanted to give an update as I havent posted for a while.

Im still blocked, its more than 3 weeks since the big fight and 2 weeks of NC of his behalf. I ran into him twice in the past week outside our house and I did actually ignore him both times not because I wanted to get back at him for blocking me but because I felt hurt. Immature maybe but I felt a pang and this was the best I could do to deal. I found his shirt randomly outside the house the day after the first time (ignoring). I couldnt put my finger on how odd it was but then realized it was a shirt he had offered me to sleep in that I didnt like (stiff collar stand - uncomfortable) and it was next to two things that I borrowed from him that he has since discarded. The day after he mowed both our lawns. I texted thanks. No reply and still blocked. I think he discarded those items because he has attached a meaning to them. That they serve to remind him that I "just want something from him". Its very interesting to hear something like that when I paid shared utility bills alone for several months and provided endless free meals for him which he would request then most of the time discard. I dont want to read too much into mowing the lawn, he has always done his and mine I think possibly since before I moved in here. I deeply appreciate it. Im not sure if I should take it as contact but if it was I am assuming that he wants me to go outside and try to make nice. I dont feel like I can or should. I figure the text was enough. Im sure he can access it even with the block.

I otherwise feel pretty calm about everything. I think about it a lot, I spend a lot of time here in the forum reading but at this point Im feeling a stronger need to spend more time on my own issues. Ive decided to seek medical help for my ADHD for the first time in my life. I have managed the disorder really well throughout the years, by somehow instinctively doing exactly everything recommended but lately its become unmanageable and I think its a good idea to go on meds until things settle down. By things settling down I mean when fewer catastrophes in life (4 close people in my life with near end stage cancer, a major life change happening in 6 weeks when I will be living on my own without a SO or family member in my house for the first time in 18 years. Being on my own with my small business. Still adjusting to a new city I moved to 17 months ago and starting anew here. Theres a lot more I just think this is enough to list).

The feelings for pwBPD were/are real, but the issues and the drama have been a distraction. I dont know if things would have gone better if I wasnt already on the brink myself, I will probably never know. I was taught as a child that it takes two to fight. Ive never had the same issues in previous r/s but Im still taking it seriously how I have reacted by lashing out and how much I have violated my own boundaries. I do think its timing, I think my boundaries were weak because I am worn by things of late. But Im taking it all as a big lesson. One thing I do know is that I cannot be ok with things going back to what they were. Lines were crossed that never should have. I wont be doing that anymore and if that means its the end then thats just how its going to have to be.

[Meili]

Given everything that you have going on, you actually sound pretty good onelittleladybug. Focusing on yourself, your limitations, and your boundaries is really the hard part in all of this. I'm sorry to hear about the people in your life with cancer, that's sad. 

You've mentioned several times that he says that he only wants a friendship, but is making it very difficult to be friends. Have you thought about what it is that you want and how you want to handle yourself in all of it?

Are you still staying at his place and cuddling during the night?

How much control over your own life are you taking right now?

[onelittleladybug]

Given everything that you have going on, you actually sound pretty good onelittleladybug. Focusing on yourself, your limitations, and your boundaries is really the hard part in all of this. I'm sorry to hear about the people in your life with cancer, that's sad.

Thank you. I may sound good but Im completely dysfunctional  I have hardly done anything for days. Which is why I think its time to go on meds. I feel pretty ok about the ending of the r/s, sad but not tormented. Im generally not doing well in other ways.

You've mentioned several times that he says that he only wants a friendship, but is making it very difficult to be friends.

The friendship thing changes with the wind. I think he is using it to control maybe not me but at least have full control over the r/s. I can safely say our interpretation of friendship is very different. I have good friends of the opposite sex that are just that. I never touch those guys. He wants me to sit on the couch with him holding hands all night and watch movies, sleep over in embrace etc. He has said he thinks about sex with me constantly. Hes just holding out on sex and calling it friendship. One night we are bffs and he loves me to death. That night loving me to death means we will always be friends. Then a few nights later when feeling a bit more safe he says he will actually love me forever and not just as friends. Its all over the map. When things are going better (i.e. when Ive been really good at validating) he will bring up being a couple. And then there are nights when he blatantly says ok we need to have sex right now. The last one was in January. We were building up to being a couple when the last blow up happened and it was more so instigated by me, iow I was feeling spent and didnt have more validation in me. Should have taken time out but instead exploded. Adhd combined with severe stress will do that to me. Not making excuses, Im saying that because I am able to react differently but I have been the worst version of myself lately.

I think this indecision is mirroring my indecision in some way or pay back or Im not sure. Aside from the BPD issues that were all out there from day one and verbal abuse started on day 3, he was also moving too fast for me in the beginning. Add to all this I was also was super nervous about being romantically involved with my neighbor. Sometime I have a really strong feeling that someone is feeding him bad advice, like "the game" if you kwim? Ive never seen him paint anyone black. He has been at home though, he didnt go to see his family over Christmas, NYE, Easter and I know thats been a tradition so I think there is more stuff going on than me and him.

Are you still staying at his place and cuddling during the night?

No we havent spoken a word to each other for 2 weeks other than me sending two texts. I officially consider us completely broken up (or end of friendship whatever), I just wasnt sure for a while because we have recycled countlessly. This time its much more serious with him having blocked me where we used to communicate (FB messenger, Hangouts) and is not responding to my texts. Maybe Im temporarily apathetic, or maybe a part of me is relieved it wasnt me that officially ended things.

How much control over your own life are you taking right now?

Im breaking out of patterns and responding differently to other relationships. And this one I guess as I have tried to make nice every time before but dont feel like I can now. Im trying to get focused again on work and responsibilities and staying in touch with my friends but I havent made it yet. Im in a pretty deep hole, not suicidal or anything just cannot pick up and get going with things I very much and urgently need to do.

[onelittleladybug]

Its been a while. We have been in NC until last week. We are talking now and planning things to do together. If things go as I hope I will start a new thread and actively work on validating, boundaries, Dearman and SET. I didnt always feel empathetic, I think my empathy will increase as extreme stress factors are eliminated. Which is already happening. His dysregulation was just one part of it, in no way the main source. Ive had plenty and bigger.

I have spent hours every day on this board reading. Its been a huge learning experience. I am nervous about dealing with his jealousy in the future but everything else that came up I am owning my part of. The more time that passes from each incidence the more clarity I have on how I contributed to each situation. F.ex. Im VERY good at JADE-ing  And my ADHD will cause me to flare up under pressure, I am doing things about it.

Im also really starting to understand the stigma around this disorder. Thats something for another thread.

A major life change ahead in 2 weeks when my mother moves out and leaves for the home country. I know Ive brought it up many times in this thread but living with her was a huge crazy maker for me and I am curious to see how/if I will handle r/s differently when she has left. Karpman Triangle. The tools and articles have been beyond helpful. Ive also been reading The High Conflict Couple, Stop Walking on Eggshells and I also re-read The Relationship Cure which I read while going through a painful separation about 10 years ago.

Ive missed him and am looking forward to spending time with him again. It was him that reached out, I was really happy he did and told him so. Communication has been nice so far and Im going to do my best to keep it that way.

Im aware that my posts here are more like a journal than a bid for advice. I feel like I know how to handle things in this moment but I will need support and outside perspective in the future if we sustain any kind of r/s. I feel like posting is a good thing to do, if only anyone else in a similar situation is reading and can take anything from it.

In my experience in life there have usually been second chances. Even thirds and beyond. It wears thin though the more you use them up if you havent made changes to yourself. Its taken me a while to process my feelings for my pwBPD and it took me a long time to decide what I could take on. Im cautiously optimistic.

[Meili]

That's so good to read! I too hope that communication continues to improve for you both.

Don't worry about using the board to journal, many of us do just that. I used to use my thread to vent and then I would write about what I need to do in the future to make my situation better. It was almost as if I was having a conversation with myself. It felt strange, but was very beneficial to me.

Keep us posted about how it is going for you!

[onelittleladybug]

Thanks Meili! Its good to have you back. Hope your trip was good.

He came over last night. Its been 8+ weeks since last time we saw each other (other than quickly running into each other outside the house). It was really nice to see him. There were sparks flying, hand holding and snuggling and one really good intellectual conversation that had zero emotional flare ups or dysregulation. That is very attractive to me and he knows it. We didn't get heavily into talking about "us". I think its too soon. But things were brought up. Trust needs to be rebuilt, we both disclosed that. He mentioned considering a move out of state. I hate that idea so much but Im not sure I should really worry.

I don't totally know how to proceed. Im conflicted. I think we both feel the same way; still in love and still struggling with each other. Wondering if it would be better to keep things just on a platonic level for a while. As in no sleepovers, even the ones without sex. That was never my choice. Try to see if we can keep things balanced for a while that way to build a foundation. The risk of that in my eyes would be that once there, my pwBPD more so than I would be likely to not want to rock the boat and risk being abandoned again. So we could stay that way for much longer than we have been in this particular limbo.

I could a) let him lead and see where it takes us, b) take charge myself or c) co-pilot. I always want option c) but I usually go for a). Im not sure co-piloting is an option with all the rage and dysregulation that has happened in those 8 months we have been in each others lives. Letting others lead is what I have always done and has not worked for me so far in my life. Taking control is something Ive never done, and would be uncomfortable with. Is there a 4th option? Boundaries yes but is that enough?

Other thoughts (and definitely feel free to give input if you have any): I often feel like Im with a Non and I forget. I get comfortable and am unprepared when something happens. Last night he accidentally spilled a drink on my sofa. The sofa is new. He thinks its fancy. It looks fancy/expensive but it isn't. He felt terrible. Im super relaxed about stuff like that. He doesn't know this about me (we are usually at his place because of my mother). I thought it was enough to say "don't even worry about it for a second", get towels, dry it up and proceed to watch the movie we had on. He gets antsy, goes into the kitchen and then says "stop filling up my trash can with packaging from all the stuff you're buying" I thought he was joking, being playful. In my mind he is a Non at that moment. Ive forgotten. So I laugh and say "you've been buying stuff and filling the trash just as much as I have". At this point he is really angry and Im perplexed, confused, disappointed and feeling he must be trying to create a reason to leave. Which he doesn't need to do because its already late. We sit in silence for a bit in front of tv and then he leaves. He must have felt bad about it because he texted from his house 10 minutes later thanking me for dinner and conversation. So this morning I wake up still feeling confused and frustrated. Until I remember the sofa and made the connection. He lashed out on me about trash cans because he was feeling bad about the sofa. It took me 8 hrs to make the connection this time, its taken me a lot longer in the past.

Am I putting too much pressure on myself? I feel like if I make the connection in the very moment it happens I can avert or defuse the situation so I want to go from 8 hrs to 2 seconds. We have 2 trash cans and I offered a solution to mark each to make sure my household trash doesn't go into his but before that I argued, I went into who's right and who's wrong mode. Which is futile and has no place in an emotional relationship whether pwBPD, Non or with any human being. I know this. Yet I still do it. Im not going to berate myself for it, Im just going to say "I want to change this within myself".

[Meili]

  Yep, my trip was great! Thanks for asking. 

I vote for option 4. You take charge of you and allow him to take charge of him while the two of you learn to communicate better with one another.

There's nothing wrong gentle nudges when the timing is right. Just don't overdue it and move to fast. This might trigger his fears. Meet him on his level.

Boundaries are great! Necessary in fact in any relationship. Other things that you can do including listening with empathy and not being invalidating. Take the trash can for instance; even a non who doesn't share your sense of humor might have been bothered by your response. Listening with empathy to what the other person is telling you can go a long way and prevent what otherwise might become a fight from ever starting.

"Stop filling up my trash can with packaging from all the stuff you're buying"

"Oh, man, I can see that is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it? Is there some way that we can find a solution to this?"

Those types of things (but more caring and friendly... .less clinical and scripted) can help defuse the situation. It also shows that you value how he is feeling.

Make sense?

[onelittleladybug]

I vote for option 4. You take charge of you and allow him to take charge of him while the two of you learn to communicate better with one another.

Sounds good. I am uncomfortable with the open ended status of our r/s. I think its important that I dont ignore this discomfort as it will probably catch up with me. Its better for me to acknowledge it but try to stay with it.

There's nothing wrong gentle nudges when the timing is right. Just don't overdue it and move to fast. This might trigger his fears. Meet him on his level.

This too is challenging for me. I dont ever nudge. I am the one who gets nudged. Not saying I wont try, just saying its hard for me. The one time with pwBPD Ive ever done something that could be seen as nudging (in my mind I was trying to set boundaries) I was told that I was pushy and needed to let things simmer before coming to a boil or something like that. Generally I am a person that doesnt ask, doesnt need and will fiercely protect my independence.

Take the trash can for instance; even a non who doesn't share your sense of humor might have been bothered by your response.

OK this is where I kind of went hmmmm... .Maybe I should have given more details about this in my last post. First off I dont know which trash can technically belongs to my house and which to his. They are not marked with our house numbers and I am not sure if Im allowed to mark them. He normally uses the black cans more than me and might need to put his overflow into mine which would always be ok with me. So far the cans have not been full at pick up day which is biweekly. Ive been using both black cans and thought he was too. If I was wrong to do so this is the first Ive ever heard of it.

It looks to me like my pwBPD has been on a spending spree lately. There have been endless boxes and trash coming from his house. There has also been much more trash than usual from my house as I too have been spending more than I normally do (but more so before the last pick up day than now). This is the first time its happened since I moved in that we run out of can space and in my mind its no big deal. I will just take mine to work and dump it there. My household takes out the bins the night before pick up day, its something I volunteered when I moved in. He does other things like mow the lawn in front of our building. Which is awesome.

I should also mention that the night of the big fight that lead to 8+ weeks of NC he insisted I come with him to his work place, a few minute drive from our house, to dump extra trash from a spare room he has essentially been using as storage - because they have an extra large container there. That night he offered the option of dumping there when/if we ever ran out of space.

I probably didnt say the exact words I put in quotation marks in my last comment. I was trying to describe the message I was trying to get across (that we were equally responsible for the current trash overflow). I was also trying to describe that what I before thought was "ours" in a communal kind of way, became "his" in the conversation. That might not have come across in my last post.

So I basically disagree about my feedback on the trash situation being potentially offensive to any person. There is literally no other person in my life that would have taken offense. I prefer honest communication and my natural reaction is to stand up for myself when being wrongly accused. Even if its just about filling up the trash bin. I also would prefer to let the small things go, like trash. However Im learning that there is really no such thing as its just trash, its just hangers, its just pizza, sofa etc etc etc. And Im learning that with this person it sometimes serves me better to let go of the need to stand up for myself because he isnt really mad at me for trash, he is mad at himself for spilling on my new sofa. It was a really nice night, the trash can convo happened after the sofa incidence. Suddenly he became agitated and upset and lashed out on me. It wasnt a friendly comment like "Hey could you please be more conscious about the trash?" It was almost aggressive and it seemed to come out of the blue until I remembered the sofa.

Those types of things (but more caring and friendly... .less clinical and scripted) can help defuse the situation. It also shows that you value how he is feeling.

Make sense?

Yes. I feel like its crossing eggshell territory a bit but I opted with letting go of the need to be right. Which helps me avoid  JADEing (except when I post on this board ) I sent him a text saying Im working on better trash management and listening. Just got a smile back. A small one too (didnt even know there was a faded smile emoji!) He was feeling sick so I went out and got him food and just made a quick drop off.

What Im trying to achieve is staying compassionate to myself while trying to be more empathetic and validating to my pwBPD while not thinking about the limbo Im in too much. Staying busy helps.