First Time Here - About to File for Divorce: Advice and Support Needed

[Eve44]

I realized in the past 2 years that my husband is uBPD (with some possible Narc traits- he's on meds for "treatment resistant depression and anxiety" and then recent circumstances occurred with my 11 yo daughter that have forced me to get out of the secrecy and denial I had been in and move forward to divorce him.

I would really appreciate your thoughts and input as I prepare to file for divorce asap.

My husband and I married and we did a stepparent adoption of my daughter (my ex had abandoned me when pregnant). At the time she was 3. Things were great initially and he seemed to adore her, but his career went south when she was 5 and he began to display worrying behaviors including daily critical and extremely angry interactions that made my stomach turn. I kept thinking things would change and we did a lot of marital counseling. Things seemed to get better for awhile and I thought we had been through the worse and that he was just a short tempered and depressed person. We began trying for #2 but we had infertility and several experts told us we required medical intervention so we did IVF.  I truly believed, like a complete idiot, that if he experienced a pregnancy, birth, and infancy of another child it would improve his parenting and increase his compassion for our daughter. But instead what happened is that he put our son on a pedestal and seemed to become very hateful towards our daughter. It had the opposite effect I thought it would on her attitude towards her. Soon my daughter seemed to be the scapegoat for anything and everything that happened. I would come home and she would describe rages that were far beyond what I witnessed - I initially thought she was exaggerating. She started exhibiting depression and anxiety that required therapy.

I began to contemplate divorce but then, much to my dismay, we became spontaneously pregnant (since we had infertility and were told we could not have children without medical help I was off BC). I learned I was pregnant about 1 month after we actually separated - so the pregnancy had occurred right before he moved out.  He was enraged, demanding I get an abortion. When I wouldn't he began a story that I had done this against his will, was trying to trap him and force him to have a child he didn't want.  It was a nightmare.  He told our oldest that the separation was "all your fault!" We went back to marital counseling and then shortly before I gave birth he had completely reversed his tune and said he wanted the baby and even agreed to go to DBT classes (this was my request because I had realized he was BPD with the help of my own therapist) if he could move back. Little did I know he was about to lose his job.  But we made a parenting agreement that he agreed to in order to allow me the ability to parent and discipline my daughter without him.  I know I was vulnerable with a new baby and because I could not financially make it with three on my own even though he only worked part time (he is always underemployed or unemployed). I truly believed he could change too, especially now that he had experienced such a clear consequence (separation).

However, with the third child his behavior has become unbearable and worse than ever-- I guess because he is more stressed out and there are more opportunities to push his buttons. He rages and says cruel things to the oldest daily. He rages at the 1 and 3 year old for things like spilling food or getting food on their clothes. The baby cries every time I hand her to him.  I don't even need to tell you what our fights have become the past year - the deflecting and crazy making has escalated. I cannot even request the smallest change in behavior from him without inciting his rage.

Now I have a new job that makes it possible to barely scrape by without him. In early March I asked him to move out and that I wanted a separation. He refused. I moved myself into another part of the house and try to avoid interactions but he continues to incite fights by making terrible accusations against me as well as incite other people against me, often he starts with sobbing/crying and kind words that quickly turn into mean words. We are "separated" but living in the same home. I have thought about restraining orders but I don't think the verbal/emotional abuse will fly and I deeply fear his vindictiveness if I were to do that.  He told me a week ago during a fight that he regretted adopting our daughter. 

And my 11 yo daughter has taken a turn for the worse. Three weeks ago she was crying and told me that she thinks about suicide all the time and doesn't want to live anymore. We saw a doctor immediately who did an assessment and she scored off the charts for depression and anxiety. She told him she wanted to harm herself or die.  She has been put on zoloft and increased therapy visits. On the way home she told me that ":)addy told me that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. I believe him."  My heart broke and I struggle with self-hatred for keeping her in this too long.

That same day his close friend called to tell me that he heard we were separated and that over the past 2 years he has heard my husband say terrible things about the 11 year old. He said, "Get your daughter as far away from him as you can. He hates her and blames her for everything. You have to divorce, I think he may be a narcissist."   He has kept in touch and also told me that my husband and his mother are planning for a big legal battle to make sure he gets custody of the kids. 

Here is my thought on how to approach this - if you have any thoughts I would appreciate it.
1. Go ahead and settle for joint LEGAL custody of our 2 younger ones but insist on sole LEGAL custody of my 11 year old.
2. Request sole PHYSICAL custody of all the kids.
3. Request visitation for the 2 younger kids of 2 afternoon/evenings a week (no overnights).
4. At my oldest's request, ask for brief visits only once a month with him.

If he disagrees with it at all, I will request a custody evaluation and I will state that in my file/request up front. My daughter is willing to speak for herself to the court and a third party to describe his abusive behaviors.

My reasoning is that this may be enough to appease him and he may choose not to fight.  It may not, but it seems like it could keep the fury to a more reasonable level than if I asked for sole legal custody or fought for supervised visitation. I also do not have the money for a big court/legal battle. Of course, I hate the idea of handing the 2 little ones off to him alone, but I don't have faith that they would be kept from him by a judge/court.

This is the SCARIEST thing I have ever done.

Thoughts? Impressions? Advice?  Thank you in advance.

"Eve"



 

[ForeverDad]

Hopefully you've been documenting his bizarre and poor behaviors.  Often when courts has to deal with matters such as this it assumes (1) the current conflict will dissipate once the parents get settled in their post-marriage life and (2) when both are making claims about the other but without independent documentation then it may conclude it is unable to determine the truth and call it hearsay to be largely ignored.  I'm not saying that's how it always happens but it easily can and so you need to have documentation to support you statements.

I'll ask now since it affects some questions and answers later.  Does your H work?  Does he earn more than you or less?  The answer impacts child support.  For example, if you become the primary parent with majority time, as I hope and expect, then that would affect how much child support (CS) the court orders.

Since your daughter is not your husband's biological child, I think that means something to him now that he has other children.  It may be one reason he rejects (criticizes or scares) her.  That biological bond is absent for her.  Can the stepparent adoption be undone?  That is, would he want to relinquish parental responsibilities for her?  If it were possible then you wouldn't have to worry about sole custody for her, his rights would be canceled and there would be no child support  and no visitation for her.

Probably it would be best to seek as much custodial responsibility as possible for ALL the children.  If you can't get sole/full custody then get as much as you can, for example... .  Regarding the major decisions you should seek Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Those aren't full custody but effectively it's equivalent except in name.  Same goes for the parenting schedule, if you can't make a case for supervised visitation or where you can step in and abort visitations if he's behaving scary or poorly, then secure as much scheduled time as possible and have safeguards built into your order to handle problems.

Understand that he may try to avoid paying child support.  However, court has calculations which are virtually automatic.  If he gets a paycheck, you'll get the CS garnished as long as he doesn't change jobs too often.

You may be tempted to offer him a deal, get off the hook with CS if he agrees to see the children less.  I'm pretty sure that doesn't work, at least not stated so bluntly, CS is usually independent of compliance with visitation.  Get some confidential legal consultations.  Find out your rights and how such issues are handled in your local system.  No, stbEx has no right to interrogate you.  You have a right to confidentiality and privacy.

Have you spoken with your local DV resources?  We're peer support here, when it comes to DV or child abuse we definitely encourage you to utilize your local resources, whether DV offices, social agencies, children's agencies such as CPS, getting a family law attorney, getting therapists or counselors, etc.

[Eve44]

Thank you foreverdad. That sounds like very sound advice.

I have been documenting the bizarre behaviors- some starting last year and now into 2017. There's quite a lot there. I have also recorded (sound only) some of his rages at the little ones, but don't know if they're admissable (or can be used legally).

I would like to see if he will relinquish guardianship of my daughter somehow- I actually think he may be willing unless he won't merely for the purpose of being vindictive towards me.

He does work but he makes far less than I and it is off/on. I honestly don't want his child support and feel like it would make it easier to get the divorce processed if I stated that up front.  I thought perhaps the bargain would be that I don't pay spousal support and he won't pay CS.

However, I know I need to get legal advice. I have been in touch with my local DV resources and am going to get some free legal advice tomorrow with a local DV resource. I don't have the money for an attorney but will pay for some consultations if/as needed.  I am also in therapy and she is a great support.

Is ":)ecision Making" or "Tie Breaker" status a designation I can request when I file?

I think I'm looking more for opinions about how or if limited visitation can work for BPD's from other people's experience - my thinking was that with visitation being limited he would be on his best behavior.  But it's true that when he's in a bad place/mood - he can be very scary and I would not want the kids to be with him then. OTOH, I can't see outspending his mother who will spare no expense for him legally when I have nothing in the budget for a lawyer as it is.  That's where I think I'm trying to balance what might be least likely to result is a big custody battle while simultaneously doing the least harm to the kids. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place and wanting to check in with others and their experiences.  Everything I read online is so adamant that both parties need to be compromising and give in with joint parenting, etc.  But I know they're not written for people like us.
Thanks again! 

[ForMySon]

I was stuck as well when i didn't think i could afford a lawyer. I was able to pull money out of 401k though in order to get started with a lawyer. Do what you can to have that legal protection. You also might consider getting a list of all the best family lawyers in your area. Go sit and have a consult. You don't have to use that attorney, and your SO won't be able to either. 

[livednlearned]

Hi Eve44,

I am so sorry you are going through this and want you to know you aren't alone.

About your eldest daughter... .My son (now 15) went through an almost identical descent into depression and anxiety. His struggles started to manifest at age 8 when he told me he didn't want to live  I didn't even know a child that young could feel depressed.

Like your H, my son's father said similar, unbelievably abusive and traumatizing things. Like you, I have carried a lot of guilt about keeping my son in that environment for so long. The good news is that you are doing the right thing by leaving, and by getting your D into therapy this early.

Learn everything you can about validation and start using it with your D11. The benefits will be both immediate and long-term. More than anything, she needs to unload these feelings and have you bear witness to how she feels -- this is an important part of helping her learn to build emotional resilience. It will feel counter-intuitive at first, and emotionally very difficult, but ask her how she feels when her dad says those things. When she says she doesn't want to live, validate how she feels: "You must be feeling so much pain. I can tell that daddy has hurt your feelings with what he says." Let her express her sadness even if it feels you will break inside  With my son, I think the thing that broke him was only partly what his dad said. The other part was feeling unheard about the depths of his sadness. He needed a sympathetic witness. Instead, I comforted him with platitudes that did not allow him to discharge powerful feelings. That made him feel alone, and he felt like he was "not good" at pleasing me, who seemed to want him to feel better about himself when he wasn't capable of doing that just yet.

I learned to also call out the bullying for what it was. "When daddy does that, he is being a bully. There is no excuse for bullying. I am the adult, so I'm going to figure out how to handle this. It might take me some time to come up with a solution, in the meantime, let's have a time each day where we check in and hug each other and let all the feels out." Or whatever sounds best to you.

About the divorce process: my advice is to start by asking for full custody if you think that is best. The way to manage the fight (avoiding a fight is probably not realistic at this point) is to be assertive, and that means doing what you think is best and sticking to it. You don't have to be aggressive, altho for many of us, assertiveness feels aggressive when we first start turning the ship around.

My ex husband was a former trial lawyer and I felt dread like I've never experienced before. During my custody battle I was a graduate student and full-time employee not making a whole lot of money. It took a while (these high-conflict divorces are marathons, not sprints), but I ended up with full custody of my son even tho many people said it was not likely, including my lawyer.

The key to doing well in these divorces is to ask for what you think is best -- don't worry what the lawyers say -- and then propose solutions that demonstrate you have faith your husband can become a good parent. That's what court cares about, that you, the problem-solving parent, can protect your kids while giving their father a chance to become a better dad.

Remember to take care of yourself, too. I know it's hard to do when you have young children and this major BS going on around you, but you are stronger than you know and can make it through this.

 

LnL

[Eve44]

ForMySon- Thank you for your response - that is a comfort!

LnL- I cannot tell you how helpful it is to read your story. Thank you so much. You have been through it all and you know and understand. And you have had such a good outcome!
How is your son doing now? Have things gotten better for him?  How often does he see his dad?  Your affirmations and insights into a kid's pain are so right on. My husband has been telling my daughter that she is a "betrayer" for telling me what he does when I'm not there and so she has kept it in far too much and hates talking about it because it causes her feelings of shame/betrayal against him. It makes my heart sick.  Did you end up finding a good attorney? How did you do so well in court?   I think your recommendations make perfect sense: to show you want to protect your children while offering solutions to help the parenting skills of the other parent.