What tools/skills haven't worked so well for you?—let's discuss

[wendydarling]

A happy Sunday to all. 

I'm wondering how everyone's getting on sharpening their tool kit, are you struggling with a tool that's not worked so well for you yet?

My 28DD shortly completes 12 months DBT.   Yesterday she posted:

"This day two years ago was the start of my journey in being diagnosed with BPD despite having it for most of my life. I've come a long way" and so I have too, we continue to learn together to understand this disorder, make small gentle changes on our path.

DD is cat sitting for a friend, she's been there a week and is anxious about her 8month old kitten Hope. DD's struggled with sleeping since last August, I find when she manages one behaviour, another pushes itself forwards to the fore.

Text message earlier - we've texted though not spoken for a week and DD is likely in need of reassurance, empathy and validation:

'I had so many nightmares about losing Hope last night '
'Oof I'm sorry, that's hard, you are anxious. Shall we speak a little later? xxx'
''Yes ok xxx"
"4pm ok for you? xxx"
"Yes xxx"

Personally texting I find very difficult, face to face for me works.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mamadukes]

Livednlearned, you mentioned the thing about how successes can be scary for the pwBPD because he might worry that support systems will go away if he is succeeding. Yes! that's in the excellent Family Guidelines on the NEABPD site, here: www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/family-connections/family-guidelines/

I was reminded, by an NEABPD program coordinator, to revisit those guidelines when I had to cancel my Family Connections intensive weekend on Friday in order to be with s26 just discharged from the hospital (BTW it became crystal clear that I needed to be home for him this weekend, as strongly recommended by team at the hospital -- kind of a no-brainer, but I really wanted to attend that workshop!).

So I need to be mindful of going slow with him this week (re: not too much talk about successes). I have seen him react badly to success comments (though kudos have their place, done minimally and carefully). His skillful social worker said to him at discharge, "You know about one day at a time? You need to take it one minute at a time."  I really like that. And the other salient point she made was, "just make it to your appointments on Monday & Tuesday." Righto!

The hospitalization turned out successfully:
- got him out of his stuck spot (literally stuck in the house, in despair, and not in treatment)
- he learned a few things, and felt good there socially, yay!
- and above all, resulted in a new, more intensive treatment plan

WendyD, your text sounded perfect!  I too would not want to have a real conversation by text.

[livednlearned]

@wendydarling,

It has to feel so good to know DD wrote that she has come a long way  and that she completes 12 months of DBT so soon.

Nicely done with the text too, empathy + validation + reassurance 

@mamadukes,

Thanks for the link to the family guidelines.

Somewhere I also read about choice of language -- like the difference between saying, "I admire you" (we are equals) versus "I am proud of you." (you are beneath me) Is that from Family Connections do you happen to know?

There was something else about the word "but" because it tends to be invalidating to what came immediately before. To use "and" instead.

I wish I could remember where these came from. I was talking to SO about these small phrases and he asked if he could read more, and I am all out of guesses to where these come from.

Anyone know?

[Lollypop]

Hi LNL & WD

Chapter 6 validating phrases is useful in I Dont Have To Make Everything Better by the Lundbergs. I think the "and" instead of "but" may be in the book too.  I could do with brushing up.

WD: you're text example was brilliant. I can see I'm way too wordy most of the time.

Psychiatrist visit tomorrow - can't come soon enough.

LP

[Confusedalldaylo]

I have a daughter 13 who needs residential treatment for stabilization. Has anyone had a good experience with a facility? They all seem to have such bad reviews. Please help.

[livednlearned]

I have a daughter 13 who needs residential treatment for stabilization. Has anyone had a good experience with a facility? They all seem to have such bad reviews. Please help.

Hi Confusedalldaylo,

I do not have personal experience with RTCs, but you may find lbjnltx's story to be helpful. Her daughter went through an RTC program and she journaled the experience here.

 

LnL