While I've moved on . . .

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When I was a teenager, and into my early 20's, I had the "pleasure" of dating a boy/man who was diagnosed BPD while we were together.  It was an intense relationship that in some ways helped me grow up.  In other ways it was abusive.  After years of off/on I finally was able to break it off for good by leaving my home place to attend college in another state.

While I've moved on (in my forties now, happily married to sane person) I've never forgotten the intense role my BBD love played during a formative time in my life.  After years of feeling angry and then fearful of stalking, I now feel tempted to reach out for closure.  This might sound crazy, but I want to thank my BPD guy for the role he played in helping me become who I am today.  I this is a good idea?  Or a terrible one?  I fear that by reaching out I could wake a sleeping giant.  I have no idea what kind of person he has become, or how he'd react to being contacted by me.  But I also have some things I want to say.

 

[Insom]

When I was a teenager, and into my early 20's, I had the "pleasure" of dating a boy/man who was diagnosed BPD while we were together.  It was an intense relationship that in some ways helped me grow up.  In other ways it was abusive.  After years of off/on I finally was able to break it off for good by leaving my home place to attend college in another state.

While I've moved on (in my forties now, happily married to sane person) I've never forgotten the intense role my BBD love played during a formative time in my life.  After years of feeling angry and then fearful of stalking, I now feel tempted to reach out for closure.  This might sound crazy, but I want to thank my BPD guy for the role he played in helping me become who I am today.  I this is a good idea?  Or a terrible one?  I fear that by reaching out I could wake a sleeping giant.  I have no idea what kind of person he has become, or how he'd react to being contacted by me.  But I also have some things I want to say.

 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome  Insom:   

Have you shared your story with your husband?  If so, what are his thoughts on you wanting to get in touch with this person. 

After years of feeling angry and then fearful of stalking, I now feel tempted to reach out for closure.  This might sound crazy, but I want to thank my BPD guy for the role he played in helping me become who I am today.  Is this is a good idea?  Or a terrible one?  I fear that by reaching out I could wake a sleeping giant.  I have no idea what kind of person he has become, or how he'd react to being contacted by me.  But I also have some things I want to say.

How did this person help you in becoming who you are today?

You could well wake up a sleeping giant.  How might that affect your marriage?

Perhaps it would be safer to journal what you want to say and not send it to him.  It can be easy to fantasize about a wonderful re-acquaintance with him.  Reality never measures up to fantasy. If you were afraid of stalking in the past, why would you entertain bringing that possibility back?  BPD relationships can be intense, but once people break the addiction, they are glad they have a sane partner.

Are you bored in your current relationship and looking for some drama?


 

[Insom]

Wow, thanks for the reply, Nibbler.  This post felt like a shot in the dark. (I wasn't sure if or what I'd hear back.)  Great questions.  Insightful.  Deeply appreciated.

Yes, have shared with husband.  Ex-talk is quite possibly his least favorite subject of conversation so we rarely discuss. But his response was, "Fine, do what you need.  Just don't tell me about it.  And, by the way, I don't love that you're having these thoughts."  a response I actually loved because it reminded me I'm in control without absolving me of responsibility for consequences. 

Being in a relationship with BPD guy helped me separate from what felt like an overwhelming relationship with my family of origin (classic Persephone/Hades).  More recently, as I've come to understand what BPD is (initially I thought it meant being on the borderline of having a mental illness), his diagnosis has helped me understand more about the mental health issues that have impacted my family of origin through generations.  I don't blame him for being a "jerk" like I used to.  I do still fear him a bit and would like to erase that fear.  That's what I think I hope to get out of reconnecting . . . neutering fear that I'm not sure is real or not and would like to overcome.  But what if the fear is justified? 

And you're right.  There may be another issue at play.  I work in a creative field and sometimes feel stuck or fearful about moving forward with challenging projects.  It's in these times of feeling stuck and frustrated that this issue rears its head for me. 

And I agree wholeheartedly.  Far safer to journal about this.  Thank you. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again Insom:   

More recently, as I've come to understand what BPD is (initially I thought it meant being on the borderline of having a mental illness), his diagnosis has helped me understand more about the mental health issues that have impacted my family of origin through generations.    

I'm wondering if the issue of mental illness within your family is what you need to explore.  Which members of your FOO had mental illnesses and what type?  Did your parents exhibit mental health problems?

I do still fear him a bit and would like to erase that fear. 

Sometimes a little fear can keep us out of trouble.

[Insom]

Indeed.

And thank you.  You have helped. 

[Insom]

It's been a full month since my first post, (above).  Thanks again, NN, for your questions, which I found spot-on and kindly put.

Somehow, this issue is still up for me and I am grappling with how to fully disconnect.  When I first posted here I thought reaching-out-to-thank might do the trick.  Now, I'm not so sure.  Feeling ready to move forward and put this all behind me.  What needs to happen in me to find success?  Without involving him?  Thoughts?

This forum has been a revelation.  I had no idea how not-unique - how BPD-typical my story was - until I found you all here.  It's been a true comfort to discover I'm not alone.  When you post No Contact stories I cheer you on because I remember how hard it was for me to finally separate from my BPD-ex.  But how necessary and good it was, too.  And how grateful I am that I did.  At the same time, reading your stories has raised memories . . .

[Icefog]

It might be helpful to explore why you feel the need to do this after such a long time and if there are some other motives/needs that could be at play. The reason I say this is because I regularly want to contact my ex BPD for what I term closure but when I truly explore it there is often something else going on for me that I'm not giving myself or needing. Keep in mind I'm not very far out of my relationship and every dynamic although very similar has different characteristics.

[Doughboy]

I agree with most everything said.  Just try to keep it yourself.  The one thing I read that stuck was you saying the fear of the stalking.  I would suggest to just let sleeping dogs lie because you wake the beast and then they have a way to find you/contact you.

Maybe try the ever popular write a letter and burn it in the fireplace trick?

[Insom]

Thanks for the support.  I am hearing loud and clear, and more importantly getting emotionally, how reaching out is a bad idea.  Thank you, Ox.  I take things that stick seriously and appreciate that feedback very much.  Thank you, icefog.  I hear you and agree.  Though my other motives are, well . . . foggy to me.  Here's a list of things I'm considering.  Maybe some of you reading will also find them helpful.

•  Someone on another thread mentioned "trauma bonding," a term I'd never heard before but sounds like is has potential to apply.  I will look into it.

•  The family issue I thought my BPD-ex helped resolve for me: is it up again now in another way?  Is the specter of his memory telling me I still need help in this particular area?  Can I play the role he played for me for myself, but in a healthier way?

•  Is my interest in these memories a form of procrastination?  A way to stay stuck and not address difficult creative challenges head-on?

•  Also, someone on another thread mentioned yoga.  Maybe I can't think my way out of this one and some other physical activity is needed to move ahead?

[RomanticFool]

Hi Insom,

I have just detached from my exBPD married lover. We met 14 years ago when I was single and I thought she was too. She hooked me back then and by the time I realised she was married it was all too late.

After 14 years of 'on/off trauma' I got married myself and opened the door to her again again by meeting up with her.
Why did I do that? Because I missed the passion and drama that was elicited in me. She is a very beautiful woman and whatever I found in intimacy with her, I have rarely felt in my life. However, it didn't come from her - truth be told she is a selfish, cold fish - it was all inside me. She was simply the catalyst that brought it all out.

I went no contact 5 weeks ago. She sent me one message in all that time which was, "Thinking of you.' That triggered me to email and telephone her leaving messages. None of these messages have been answered. These people will take you to hell. They are children stunted at the emotional age of 3. I urge you to look towards your husband for whatever you feel you need. Looking outside is dangerous, looking to an exBPD partner is potentially disastrous.

[happendtome]

Insom, let me tell you how it sounds. You are bored and you want some action/drama.

I tell you also this - you will eventually do it anyway, you will contact him because more replies "dont do it" you get more likely you will do it.

And i tell you even one thing more. At first you may think that you did the right thing, you get some vibes and excitement... .and then it will crash... .and then you come here again and try to detach... .

[Herodias]

I would say it is a terrible idea... .First of all, you would be enabling his behavior and condoning his treatment of you. Who knows what he is up to now. I would never tell my ex that I learned allot from him... .he will think it was ok to do that to people. Secondly yes, you would be opening pandoras box and he will think you are trying to start something up with him again. Be happy you are where you are and leave the past in the past. Besides, the fear you have is a gut feeling. You should be aware that you could put yourself in a very bad position. Leave well enough alone... .that's my two cents  

[Insom]

Thanks, all.  I feel out of danger as far as wanting to reach out goes.  That urge has passed.  Though still curious about why this is up for me now.

Thanks for the story, RF.   This is especially insightful, I think:

However, it didn't come from her - truth be told she is a selfish, cold fish - it was all inside me.

I can relate a similar experience.  For years - and this felt most powerful when I was a teen - I thought that my BPD-ex saw potential in me that I aspired to meet but hadn't yet achieved, and that no one else saw.  In retrospect I see, like you, that this was all inside me.  Is this a narcissistic trait?

I'm with you, Herodias (but apparently needed reminding).  Terrible idea.   Thanks for the kind support.

And good God, happenedtome.  Everything you wrote sounds horrifying.  (Thank you?)

I have a friend who is a Jungian analyst who says interesting things about dreams . . . That you can work with certain powerful dreams over a lifetime, meditating on them, writing about them, and that your most potent dreams can offer up layers of meaning and comprehension through all life's stages.

Wondering if memories work the same way?

[happendtome]

Insom, i didnt want to scare you Its just something i have noticed in my life. There are people who we dont even consider good material, but soon as we realize that we cant get them we start to hunt them.

After my ex, i havent dated much, i havent felt that way. However, i have been out few times and i have met some very charming women. Last one i did meet some 2 month ago. I went out and there she was - gorgeous, beautiful and even good career. After i went home i thought im not going to bother with her. I watched her facebook and her pics gathered hundreds of likes compared to my pictures what gather, if my relatives are active, some ~5 likes well, im not active at facebook, but still.

So i sent her just that it was nice to meet you and i honestly didnt thought i would hear about her after that first date anything anymore. Funny thing is that after few days, when i was quiet she started to suddenly send me pictures about herself and about places she was at the moment. But because im still detaching and i didnt feel i would want to compete with herds of men who are certainly orbiting her i answered politely and didnt show much interest. What was also truth, because of my detachment. And now she has become more and more active and i cant really explain that any other way than that that she started to wonder why this man is different and doesnt show any interest. Her hunting instinct woke up.

Thats what is going here too. We cant let go because we are confused. And it doesnt matter that in reality we may not at all like our BPD-s. We think that it is love, but no, its not. Its more basic human nature than we like to think.

[Insom]

So it sounds like what you're saying, happenedtome, is don't overthink.  I hear that. 

[RomanticFool]

INSOM,

Sorry for the late response to your question a while ago:

I can relate a similar experience.  For years - and this felt most powerful when I was a teen - I thought that my BPD-ex saw potential in me that I aspired to meet but hadn't yet achieved, and that no one else saw.  In retrospect I see, like you, that this was all inside me.  Is this a narcissistic trait?

I don't think it is a narcissistic trait so much as looking up to somebody you hoped would be a mentor. I think we are all more self centred when are younger because we are making our way in the world and trying to learn things and impress people. I'd say you put your faith in this person and were attaching to him in a way that made you imbue him with special levels of insight into your character. This might be was it referred to as ideazation?

[Insom]

That's an interesting and generous read.  Thanks, RF. 

You know, now that I think about it, the mentoring role he appeared (or attempted?) to take on in my life was a big part of our push-pull dynamic.  He wasn't that much older than me, only about a year, but a lot more worldly and transgressive.  He was someone who was into pushing boundaries.  For example, he was quite the connoisseur of illicit substances.  So he'd come to me with some new substance he would want to introduce me to that I most likely didn't want to use and then set about pleading, cajoling, pressuring and sometimes forcing me into it.  There was a lot of boundary pushing.  Though all his pushing behaviors were, on some level, uncomfortable to me, there were times in the beginning when they felt playful.  But over time he just became abusive.  By the end, he couldn't not push the limits with me, whatever they were, and was in a constant state of pique, feeling rejected when I'd say no to something.  It's like he couldn't stop asking me to do things he knew I would object to and then took my objections personally.