Funeral Drama

[Thunderstruck]

Here is where I originally asked for advice... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=306854.0

The consensus seemed to be "don't violate the court order". So we didn't. We begged and pleaded with uBPDbm to let SD12 go to her grandfather's funeral. uBPDbm refused. Made a list of crazy demands that we had no way of fulfilling. So we accepted the sad fact that SD12 would not be able to go.

uBPDbm's main excuse for not letting SD go was because she didn't want SD to miss school.

Today was our visitation day with SD (we have Mondays and Tuesdays and alternate weekends), and we were going to leave for the funeral tomorrow morning after SD left for school. uBPDbm violated the court order and removed SD early from school and is refusing an exchange. uBPDbm falsely assumed that we intended to take SD to the funeral no matter what so she was trying to “prevent” that from happening.

AAAArrrggghhhhhhhhhh.

[soundofmusicgirl]

Thunderstruck. I am so sorry. Admist the grief of the passing of a beloved family member you have to deal with this unbelievable drama.

We experienced something similar. BPDxw constantly says that visitation with my DH is to not interfer with any school. And then she takes them out for random things.
One weekend my DH and I came to visit them in their town. Previous to that visit there was a heated discussion as BPDxw did not follow the court order and decided to plan something else for that weekend even though my DH gave her the court ordered notice. He told her that he will pick up the boys from school. She said, no they are busy with visting family after school.
When we came to town we went to the school to meet up with their teachers. Turns out they told us that boys had not been in school that day and that mom said "they were out of town" (the school was so kind to put that in writing for us). Of course they were not out of town, but instead BPDxw had decided to take the kids out of school so they could see her brother who was in town and then proceeded to tell the kids that school had been cancelled that day.

Then this christmas when my stepsons were scheduled to visit us overseas, we told BPDm that there is a flight that would save us and her a lot of money but would leave on the last day of school before christmas. She refused and said under no circumstances are the children to miss school. (yes, we all know that in elementary school there is not much happening on the last day of school before christmas... but heaven forbid the kids miss such an important day of their academic career). A month later BPDm took the kids out of school for a day because she had a special event at work where she took the kids to.

It never gets old.

[Panda39]

I know this sucks, but with the CE just over the horizon (we hope) I think you might need to let it go.  Focus on your husband and remembering his dad.  As much as BPDmom's behavior is wrong I think it's small potatoes in the scheme of things... .father in laws death and finally getting the CE report.

IMHO you walk away from this fight and go to the funeral.

Panda39

[livednlearned]

Ugh. I'm so sorry.

Will you address things with SD?

I would be tempted to get in a word on that. "Hey, we missed seeing you last week. What happened?"

[Thunderstruck]

Thank you guys for constantly putting up with my frustrations and venting.   I feel like a broken record since things like this have happened so often. DH internalizes a lot of it and I feel like he gets burnt out on these same cruddy things happening over and over. I, however, still get mad and outraged. I guess it's nice to hear "Hey, this sucks! It's unfair for you!".

It was very nice to see all the family this weekend. They all asked about SD and we simply said "Her mom didn't want her to come because she would miss school." They were pretty upset and missed her.

Will you address things with SD?

I would be tempted to get in a word on that. "Hey, we missed seeing you last week. What happened?"

We said that we can't just go and pull SD out of school whenever we want. We said it's not her fault and we're not mad at her, but the situation was not ok.

uBPDbm is now threatening to withhold visitation this weekend as well. She's had the past two weekends in a row so per the court order we get the next two. Well now her claim is that we "gave up" our weekend. Now I don't even know when or if we'll be seeing SD for Easter (per the CO we are supposed to get her this year). Ugh.

[sanemom]

The reason she was afraid you would pull her out of school anyway?  That is just showing you what SHE would do if she were in your shoes.

I am so sorry that she has to pull this stuff when you guys are already going through a trying time... .she thrives in this kind of chaos, and you have to somehow build up a forcefield of sorts to not get sucked into her vortex.

[bunny4523]

Thunderstruck,

This sucks. So sorry for all the drama your going through. Try to remember it is out of your control.  You did what you could do.  You asked mom if she could attend and was told no.  You've done all you can.  This will be between the child and mother one day to deal with ... .or not if the child isn't really effected by it. out of sight, out of mind... .

Try and free yourself from the guilt/chaos and put it where it belongs, with the mother.  The child probably won't be greatly effected because hard to miss something you don't know your missing.  All you can do is just ask mom.

As far as the memory, I agree you can do something special just a small group of you to give her a chance to say goodbye.

As far as the games with school.  Definatly document that and bring it to court with you.  It's crazy how breaking a court order seems soo bad if we are to do it but when the other party does it... .it's like no bid deal.  If anything, a slap on the wrist.  I hope not but my faith in the court system isn't real strong.

Are you doing anything to initiate getting her for your visitation time?  I would definitely pursue that... .at the very least to put in writing your attempts so she can't later say that you told her you were going to the funeral so she had to keep the daughter.

Bunny

[Panda39]

uBPDbm is now threatening to withhold visitation this weekend as well.

It occurred to me that she could be doing this because she is feeling some shame about not allowing SD to attend the funeral and thinks you might bad mouth her to SD... .which we know you'd never do... .but is something she would do so would think you would do... .wow talk about a run-on sentence    Any how, you know what I mean 

Yep, I'm with bunny document... .document... .document... .you know the drill 

Sorry you're having to go through this junk. 
Panda39

[Thunderstruck]

It occurred to me that she could be doing this because she is feeling some shame about not allowing SD to attend the funeral and thinks you might bad mouth her to SD... .which we know you'd never do... .but is something she would do so would think you would do... .wow talk about a run-on sentence    Any how, you know what I mean 

It seems like she wants to play "best mom ever" when she needs SD... .like when she's feeling bad after a breakup. She was dating a married man for the past 3 months and it appears to have just ended. So I kind of think it's related to that. She's feeling rejected so wants to keep SD and SD's sister close to her chest and do whatever she needs to do to look like a great mom (buy them expensive things, take them out to eat, keep SD away from DH and his family so she would be the *only* parent).