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Author Topic: BPD Ex Actually a Fantastic Mom  (Read 584 times)
Nerd_Dad

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« on: April 04, 2017, 09:01:45 PM »

I'm curious if this is an odd case or if it happens more than I would assume.

My BPD wife and I are now separated. But during the relationship and now post relationship the games don't stop with me however when it comes to the children she is actually a fantastic and attentive mother. She even avoids using the kids against me or anything of that nature.

I am able to see my children each day and in my discussion of divorce with her she is completely open to joint custody and is not creating a fuss.

I know it is normal for BPD to compartmentalize areas of their lives, but is this normal for people with BPD to compartmentalize everything regarding their children? I feel like I can trust her here, but because of all the other games and issues I'm worried that this might not last forever.

For reference, the kids are 12 and 6, both great and wonderful.
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FSTL
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« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2017, 01:50:21 AM »

Every BPD is different - but based on my experience, I wouldn't rely upon this lasting as their emotions can be all over the place. Whilst she is lucid, I would document everything (even in emails) so she can't backtrack later.
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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2017, 01:17:08 PM »

Two things come to my mind.
(well actually three, but the first one is "It's a Trap!"
I am still married, and have created substantial boundaries, in some ways separated - including separate sleeping rooms.  So, my situation is different from yours. However, I know that my wife can put on the "ultimate mom" act for a while, as well as other fitting exterior appearances that she needs in the short term.  But, behind the scenes she is still lost in the abyss of her personal darkness.  She is never too far from dysregulation and a rage.
 
Secondly, I will note that being what appears to be a perfect mom is BPD abuse in reality.  And it is a latent expression of BPD.  A BPD mom likely has an unfilled need to be loved and adored, and to have a connection that cannot be broken or threatened.  For a BPD mom, "possessing" a young child is the perfect example of someone that cannot leave a BPD mom.  Even in an intact marriage, I would expect a BPD mom (who shows these excellent traits of a loving mom) to really begin to have trouble when the kids get a little older - and begin to separate from her.  Then the sense of pending loss of the child to adulthood - internalized as abandonment - becomes more real, and more of a threat.  I would anticipate a lot more drama then.

Well, I'll add one more thought. I don't know your story, but you say that you are able to see your kids each day.  I catch a hint of "she lets me see the kids each day."  That suggests maybe you moved out as part of your separation.  I am making huge guesses here, but, it seems like a common pattern with separation pending divorce.  If that is the case, she should be quite pleased and easy to manage.  If you're still paying for her lifestyle, leaving the kids with her, and you moved out, you have served her up a full benefits divorce status-quo on a golden platter - that leaves her with most of the custody, money and property.  So, she would probably be quite content - at least for a while.  As the divorce litigation drags on, and you leaving / abandoning her I would predict more frantic BPD behavior, but again, with her domination in the court process practically guaranteed.

I do hope that I am wrong, and your situation is better, and you remain amicable and act with everyone's healthy best interests at heart.  I just am wary of the kind-eyed BPD woman.  And the legal system.
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« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2017, 11:34:20 PM »

My ex is great with me regarding my r/s with the kids (D4 and S7), though I have my annoyances. 

I'd take advantage of this time to secure a legal custody agreement.  Once that baseline is set,  you can go from there. 
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Portent
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« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2017, 05:48:53 PM »

How old are the kids? I watched my pwBPDex deteriorate as the kids got older and more independent. As she lost control she got worse and worse. The sad thing is that when she was better during the honeymoon phase of our relationship and marriage she use to always say she was a bad mom. It wasn't true and I'd reassure her. When the started to lose it and I was trying to get her help she insisted she was a great mom even though my step son would go up in his room hiding under his desk playing on his ipad afraid of his mother.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2017, 11:48:38 AM »

This would suggest to me that she has a new partner.

If she feels competent and adequate, then she will be more likely to behave as her most mature adult self.

Once the devaluation begins and she starts to decompensate, it is likely that being a fantastic and attentive mother will go the other way.

Get as much done now as you possibly can!
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« Reply #6 on: April 11, 2017, 02:59:35 PM »

This would suggest to me that she has a new partner.

If she feels competent and adequate, then she will be more likely to behave as her most mature adult self.

Once the devaluation begins and she starts to decompensate, it is likely that being a fantastic and attentive mother will go the other way.

Get as much done now as you possibly can!

Basically this. Instead of recognizing the cycle for what it is and that she is the problem she will cut out the trigger and find a new man so the cycle will begin again.
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bunny4523
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« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2017, 06:25:00 PM »

For a BPD mom, "possessing" a young child is the perfect example of someone that cannot leave a BPD mom.  Even in an intact marriage, I would expect a BPD mom (who shows these excellent traits of a loving mom) to really begin to have trouble when the kids get a little older - and begin to separate from her.  Then the sense of pending loss of the child to adulthood - internalized as abandonment - becomes more real, and more of a threat.  I would anticipate a lot more drama then.



That is the part I would keep an eye out for.
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half-life
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« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2017, 07:08:35 PM »

My ex and I cooperate closely in our children's activities. Let's say we decided after the kids finished homework, he can play game for an hour. We will share this plan and make sure it applies uniformly in both household. The kids will try to play one parent against the other. But we communicate and we won't let him have it. I have no doubt she has the best interest of the kids in mind.

These does not mean things are perfect or her emotion will not affect the daily life. But we are cooperating the best we can. Nevertheless, I always wonder as my son grow up, will her emotion one day becomes overbearing to my son as it is to me.
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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2017, 10:18:43 AM »

It may happen that she starts to de-value him, and go through a process of turning him black.  Anything is possible.  She might also continue with emotional incest and parentification - and use him as a proxy man in her life. 

We don't know the future, or what someone will become.  As your wife gets older she may, conversely, mature and become more centered.

What I do is try to train my kids in emotional intelligence and do everything I can to build their sense of self.  I believe these abilities to be the greatest vaccine against BPD manipulations and chaos.
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« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2017, 04:40:16 PM »

Hi there.  I am glad to hear that your ex is not using the children as weapons.  Her being cooperative in terms of joint custody and you having access to the kids does not mean she is a good mother.  She is a good co-parenting partner.  The rest can change on a dime.  I would still remain in watch mode and not count on her being cooperative all the time. 

I also want to note that what seems to be "attentiveness" and "a doting mother" is often smothering and enmeshment in the world of BPD parenting. 

It is great that your kids are doing so well and I hope that continues.  I am not trying to be a downer but I do want you to be very watchful.  Often times as young kids, they can seem just fine, even through teen years, college and early adulthood.  Take a look over at the Coping and Healing board for some insight into some of the problems adult children of BPDs face even later on in life.

Wishing you and your the very best.
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Portent
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« Reply #11 on: April 14, 2017, 05:10:23 PM »

Ask yourself how much do you see. I've been the step father. I've seen the demon behind closed doors and I've seen the angle when the spot light is on her.

Lots of people think she is a great mother, or did until she got a DUI with her kids. I regret that I didn't do more to protect my stepson.
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Nerd_Dad

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« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2017, 04:40:29 PM »

Thank you all for the advice.

A number of you were dead on with some things. She is definitely in a new relationship, in fact one that was started before she ended ours. As well as I am definitely handing her the world on a silver platter by covering a number of her expenses, being the one that moved out, etc.

She has started to threaten me here and there as I try to move "the process" along, but when I remind her of the financial commitment it would take to carry through on her threats she often backs off. After meeting with a lawyer I know that many of her threats hold no weight anyways.

Our children are 12 and 6, so there is the chance as they get older things can change. They are very intelligent children and I have had plenty of conversations with my son (the older one) regarding mental health in general (as to not single out his mom).

I do hope she continues to be a strong parent and this is the on thing I am letting myself believe. Whether she will be a good partner with me, regarding them, in the future... .let's just say my guard is already up. Time will tell.
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« Reply #13 on: April 30, 2017, 02:14:03 AM »

Hello from a nerdy mom! Anyway, as some have said, every person is different. Maybe you are one of the lucky ones who was with someone who is "BPD lite", an expression I've heard before. But it is wise to secure things and get them in writing as you can, and set a good precedent. Hopefully things don't go downhill further into the legal situation (or if her new beau leaves her... .)
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