I am changed

[UnforgivenII]

The more I remember, the more I find out the truth, the more I realize how badly I was treated, how my feelings were trashed, wrecked, despised and exploited, the more I get angry.
I have been wishing him to call or show up all this time.
Now I don't. Now his simple sight would make me furious and disgusted. I would go away and I would mean it.
I never realized how cruel he was and how disrespectful. Or better, I did, but being me I tried to help him, to fix. Yes. Yes this is true.
I should NEVER help adult people to be decent human beings. And in fact, today I say no more.

And I do pray to not see him. I want him wiped away from my life, first, and from my memory, second.
I will work with all my energy to reach this goal from now on.
Thank you all for your support.

[UnforgivenII]

And talking about change, the change he brought into my life was everything but positive.
I have nothing left to save. Not one memory, not one gesture.
It was all a mountain of BLEEP

and I sincerely pray that his new victim will have the strength to overcome him with as less damage as possible.

[marti644]

Unforgiven,

Glad to hear you have come out of the FOG. When I realized what was actually going on and took the projections off of myself, the emotional rollercoaster was staggering. Be kind to yourself. What are you doing to keep yourself busy and what are you doing to rebuild yourself?

[UnforgivenII]

Thank you for your answer, Marti.

I keep going to therapy, my therapist is amazing. I do Tai Chi twice a week. I have started a blog and I am translating a very good book about Narcissistic abuse from English to Italian. I am organizing a conference in anear town about narcissistic abuse with a friend who is working in the mental health system and is a victim too.
I do not want to date, but I regularly go out every week with a couple of friends.
I attend my church regularly.

[marti644]

 Sounds like you have taken back control of your life! Nice!

[UnforgivenII]

It does not feel like this yet but it is my goal.
I do not wander around pathetically wondering if he misses me: I know for sure he does not and he never did to begin with.
I do not feel sad thinking I will never see him again because I am actually HAPPY to not see him again.
I am no more jealous because I know he never loved me nor anyone else and the poor soul in his claws is going to be humiliated, cheated on, lied to, yelled at, despised, used and mocked. So I do not care who is with him as long as it is not me.
If he shows up with his new girlfriend to wave her in my face as he already did in the past, I will do not give them a milligram of my attention. I will just laugh inside me at the effort he is putting on in order to hurt me. I hope he will not do this effort, I do hope he is busy somewhere else. I hope he will forget my name and I will happily forgive his.

I am just angry at myself for wasting so many months believing a gigantic LIE. But being who I am , I will start forgiving myself for once.

[marti644]

 Yes this is so hard. You are better than this and deserve to be treated with mutual respect. Because he is disordered and doesn't have the therapy or self-awareness to help himself realize his actions he can never be that person you should be with. Moving on is freedom!

[heartandwhole]

But being who I am , I will start forgiving myself for once.

You go, UnforgivenII. This is so important in my opinion.

I'm sorry for the pain you've been through.    It does change a person, and if we are willing to work on self-compassion and forgiveness, then we can rest assured it's for the better.

heartandwhole

[Sadly]

Way to go sweetheart, so proud of you.
Love from
Sadly x

[OptimusRhyme]

I hope he will forget my name and I will happily forgive his.

I mean this with all levity and playful joking - is this a fantastic Freudian slip? 

Sounds like you've got a lot of great things going on and planned for the future. Keep following your awesomeness, it gets easier and more fun by the day.

[FallenOne]

I don't know how far out you are in the NC zone, but your feelings will change, a lot...

You might be angry right now, but you'll be sad again, then angry again... .then sad... It's a process.

[bunny4523]

I am just angry at myself for wasting so many months believing a gigantic LIE. But being who I am , I will start forgiving myself for once.

Your doing an amazing job at putting the pieces back together.  Give yourself credit.  I can relate to being angry with yourself.   I did that too at first but then I realized compared to another victim in this situation... .I got out of it pretty quick and recovered faster than the average woman probably would.

I too think about the new girl from time to time and I hope she will be ok and once it all starts... .she will not think it is her... .but it's not my focus.  I'm focused and me, my husband, and my family/friends.

Moving on and finding peace with it is so amazing   We have come so far.

Bunny

[UnforgivenII]

I don't know how far out you are in the NC zone, but your feelings will change, a lot...

You might be angry right now, but you'll be sad again, then angry again... .then sad... It's a process.

Thank you Fallen One. I think sadness tremains as long as a part of you refuses to see the truth of who they really are.
I cannot be sad to have lost a liar, a cheater, and someone who plainly enjoyed hurting me. Someone so cruel to wave other women in front of me all the time and to refuse to do little things just to watch me suffer and see himself as superior. And then blaming it all on me.

No, sadness has nothing to do with this. It is the opposite. Losing him is very good news. I could have lost more years of my precious life.
When I go back home now I am happy he is not there. I find my cats and my son who love me dearly. Noone is there to hurt me. To tell me that the texting sounds coming in all the time are phone updates or just letting drop that they are having lunch with "friends". No more. No more rejecting me and provoking me all the time. I have got my peace back.

[FallenOne]

Thank you Fallen One. I think sadness tremains as long as a part of you refuses to see the truth of who they really are.
I cannot be sad to have lost a liar, a cheater, and someone who plainly enjoyed hurting me. Someone so cruel to wave other women in front of me all the time and to refuse to do little things just to watch me suffer and see himself as superior. And then blaming it all on me.

No, sadness has nothing to do with this. It is the opposite. Losing him is very good news. I could have lost more years of my precious life.
When I go back home now I am happy he is not there. I find my cats and my son who love me dearly. Noone is there to hurt me. To tell me that the texting sounds coming in all the time are phone updates or just letting drop that they are having lunch with "friends". No more. No more rejecting me and provoking me all the time. I have got my peace back.

It's so hard for us to let go of these relationships because of the trauma bond that was built and shared...

Yes, they did awful things... And, sometimes, we did/said awful things in response to the awful things that they did to us... We had every right to defend ourselves. We're human afterall.

Normal relationships don't have the level of intensity we experienced in these relationships... It's that intensity that keeps us addicted. It comes in both positive and negative intensity... We endure and tolerate the negative levels of intensity because we're like an addict chasing that first high... We may feel it again, from time to time, for a moment, but it never lasts and we never quite "get back to where we were"... I found myself having many conversations with my ex about wanting "to get back to how things were" and now it makes total sense to me why that was said so much.

The more that time went on, the shorter and shorter the intervals of "good times" became, and this had nothing to do with me, as I had not changed anything about myself, and was just as dedicated to the relationship as I had ever been... .She changed.