Brother

[Progress27]

I'm almost afraid to write this in case he comes here.

My brother with features like I read on this site is caregiver to my parents. They pay him a lot of money but he leaves that out of the picture when he's yelling at me. I'm afraid to give too many details. let's leave it at he is trying to split me from my parents, who are in ill health and unable to fight it. He is POA and gets a lot of sympathy from people because of the caregiving ... .uses it to gain admiration. I feel so trapped. The only way communication is open is if I let him belittle me. If I stand up for myself I end up in some crazy land where nothing makes sense, and cut off from my parents. I'm a wreck. How do I handle this.

[Progress27]

Oh, I'm in the wrong thread topic. Does anyone know how to fix that. I tried to edit the post but I couldn't change it.

[Lollypop]

Hi there progress

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation with your brother and parents. It's understandably very stressful for you. I'm sure your thread will be moved very soon so you can connect with others in a similar situation.

Good luck

LP

[Naughty Nibbler]

Progress27: I'd like to join Lollypop in welcoming you!  

This is a safe place to share.  As long as you don't share your electronic devices with people, no one has a trail that you are here or who you are.  We share a lot of common situations and experiences.  The stories can belong to anyone.

I'm sorry about how your brother treats you.  That has to be distressing.  My parents both passed within the last couple of years.  I shared POA's with my uBPD sister.  Minimally, my sister has some very strong BPD traits that came out during a very stressful time with our parents. I was  SPLIT black and still am.  

Are your parents of sound mind?  :)oes your brother live with them?  Are you aware of your parents will or trust?  

You say your parents pay your brother for caregiving.  Sounds like he leaves that information out when he shares his caregiving stories with others.  :)oes he make it sound like you do nothing and he just donates all his time?  Are you struggling with FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt)

Is your brother the sole medical and financial POA for both your parents?

The only way communication is open is if I let him belittle me. If I stand up for myself I end up in some crazy land where nothing makes sense, and cut off from my parents. I'm a wreck. How do I handle this.

Can you give some examples?  It might help us steer you to some specific lessons.  

It can generally be helpful to SET SOME BOUNDARIES

The two threads below can be helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama.  At the end of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, there is information about healthy communication triangles.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE

Has your brother ever been treated for mental illness/disorder?  Has anyone else in the family had a mental disorder?

[Progress27]

Progress27: I'd like to join Lollypop in welcoming you!  


Thank you both for the welcomes. I appreciate it.


This is a safe place to share.  As long as you don't share your electronic devices with people, no one has a trail that you are here or who you are.  We share a lot of common situations and experiences.  The stories can belong to anyone.

I'm mainly worried he will find his way to the forums. He's so in my space, it feels like he will find me.

I'm sorry about how your brother treats you.  That has to be distressing.  My parents both passed within the last couple of years.  I shared POA's with my uBPD sister.  Minimally, my sister has some very strong BPD traits that came out during a very stressful time with our parents. I was  SPLIT black and still am.  


I'm so sorry that you had to go through this awful experience. It truly sucks on a million different levels.

Are your parents of sound mind?  :)oes your brother live with them?  Are you aware of your parents will or trust?  

They both have dementia, my mother worse than my father, who is very medically ill with colon cancer that causes some other cognitive dysfunction. They used to live with my brother. They have told me the will and trust leaves everything 50/50, but I think he convinced them to make it 100% him because no one will let me see it.

You say your parents pay your brother for caregiving.  Sounds like he leaves that information out when he shares his caregiving stories with others.  :)oes he make it sound like you do nothing and he just donates all his time?  Are you struggling with FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt)

yes... .all over Facebook, conversations with people, how he took this on, etc. He did - but it's not because I didn't want to. I didn't have the means at the time they decided to do this. He blames me for the burden of them.


Is your brother the sole medical and financial POA for both your parents?

yes.

Can you give some examples?  It might help us steer you to some specific lessons.  

I'm afraid of specific examples, but my brother wants me to move to California (I'll leave the city out) while I live on the east coast. He says if I really loved him I would, but my values are in the wrong place. He says I value my career & relationship more, and that I am cold and self-centered for not moving there. If I suggest that he move to where I am, he says he is too established. I can't end the conversation with him, he will go on and on, saying my desires don't make sense, that my priorities are out of order, that I don't care about the family - demeaning, belittling. He has physically assaulted me when I tried to end this conversation, in the past.

It can generally be helpful to SET SOME BOUNDARIES

When I do, he either ups his behavior, or he completely ends the relationship with me and cuts me off from my parents.

The two threads below can be helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama.  At the end of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, there is information about healthy communication triangles.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

Thank you! I will check it out.

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE

Has your brother ever been treated for mental illness/disorder?  Has anyone else in the family had a mental disorder?

He does not want psychotherapy because he says he does not need it and it makes things worse. My father had BPD, I am fairly certain. They act exactly alike. Except in some ways my brother is worse because he seems insightful about it all at times and I feel like I can trust him. Until I don't do exactly what he wants, then he starts with belittling me and my ambitions - my stupid career, my desire for certain things from life, until I feel like my head is upside down and he's right, that I do prioritize the wrong things in life and I am a selfish and horrible person. I am so lost. I wonder, what if I am the borderline? What if I am the one with my head in the wrong place?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again Progress27:   

I'm mainly worried he will find his way to the forums. He's so in my space, it feels like he will find me.

I think you can relax.  You don't live in the same household.  The thought of a BPD forum wouldn't be on his radar and even if he got here, it would be a very rare situation.  I'm not aware of anything like that happening here.

They both have dementia, my mother worse than my father, who is very medically ill with colon cancer that causes some other cognitive dysfunction. They used to live with my brother. They have told me the will and trust leaves everything 50/50, but I think he convinced them to make it 100% him because no one will let me see it.

Generally, there is either a will or a trust (not both).  Do you know which one it is?  Does your brother work, or is care taking your parents the main thing he does at this point in time?

Is it possible that your parents have the money to pay for a nonrelative to come to the home and help with some of the care taking? 

yes... .all over Facebook, conversations with people, how he took this on, etc. He did - but it's not because I didn't want to. I didn't have the means at the time they decided to do this. He blames me for the burden of them.

Best to stay off of Facebook pages that your brother accesses and with whomever he friends.  Facebook post are the root of many many disputes.  There is no value in going there.  You can choose to stay away and don't read what he posts.

We are on opposite coasts, and my brother wants me to move closer to him. He says if I really loved him I would, but my values are in the wrong place. He says I value my career & relationship more, and that I am cold and self-centered for not moving there. If I suggest that he move to where I am, he says he is too established. I can't end the conversation with him, he will go on and on, saying my desires don't make sense, that my priorities are out of order, that I don't care about the family - demeaning, belittling. He has physically assaulted me when I tried to end this conversation, in the past.

Are you saying he has physically harmed you in the past? 

I may not have all the details, but it sounds like your brother made some of his own decisions in regard to your parents and the degree of care taking he is involved in.  It doesn't make you a bad person because you didn't quit living your life to come share in your parents care taking. 

It can generally be helpful to SET SOME BOUNDARIES
     When I do, he either ups his behavior, or he completely ends the relationship with me and cuts me off from my parents.

Does he control all access to your parents (phone, emails, texts, mail?)?  Your situation might be a bit unique in regard to boundaries, if you have to go through your brother to communicate with your parents.  Do you think that your brother is providing adequate care for your parents?  Does he get any help from professional services?

He does not want psychotherapy because he says he does not need it and it makes things worse. My father had BPD, I am fairly certain. They act exactly alike. Except in some ways my brother is worse because he seems insightful about it all at times and I feel like I can trust him. Until I don't do exactly what he wants, then he starts with belittling me and my ambitions - my stupid career, my desire for certain things from life, until I feel like my head is upside down and he's right, that I do prioritize the wrong things in life and I am a selfish and horrible person. I am so lost. I wonder, what if I am the borderline? What if I am the one with my head in the wrong place?

We are all individuals and have a right to follow our own dreams and careers and to live where we want.  You aren't your brother.  People with BPD or BPD traits can be very critical.  It sounds like your brother is trying to make you feel guilty.  Being a caretaker can be very stressful and your brother is likely feeling resentful of the role he is currently playing.

Were other options considered for your parents?  Could they have gone to a care facility?  Could professionals have been hired to do what your brother is doing?   I believe you said that your parents were living with your brother?  So, are they living at your brother's home?  Are their finances rather limited?

It might be helpful for you to seek some therapy.  A professional can help you work through some of your feelings and confusion.  End-of-life situations with parents can be stressful, even without personality disorders in the mix. 

Both my parents were hospitalized at the same time.  My uBPD sister and I had to continually do some forward thinking (or forward arguing) about how we would handle care situations and finances as health problems evolved with our parents.  My dad had a fall and broke his neck, my mom was hospitalized with IPF, was septic 3 times, acquired MRSA while hospitalized, then ended up with another antibiotic-resistant superbug while hospitalized.   At one point, my sister wanted us to bring our mother home and care for her.  Realistically, I knew I couldn't handle dealing with my uBPD sister and her episodes of the silent treatment (couldn't work in a shared care taking situation).  I didn't trust that we could competently take the necessary precautions to collectively protect ourselves from MRSA or VRE.  Then, there was the matter of bed sores.  If the professionals weren't able to prevent them, then how were we to manage the situation.

I don't know what all your brother is dealing with in regard to your parents, or what supplemental help he is getting, but he made certain decisions to take on some things.  He may be in far deeper than he ever thought he would be.  He might benefit from some assistance.  I believe there is something called respite care, where others come in and give the caretaker a break.

[Progress27]

Hi again Progress27:   
 I think you can relax.  You don't live in the same household.  The thought of a BPD forum wouldn't be on his radar and even if he got here, it would be a very rare situation.  I'm not aware of anything like that happening here.
Generally, there is either a will or a trust (not both).  Do you know which one it is?  Does your brother work, or is care taking your parents the main thing he does at this point in time?

He works - my mother lives in a nursing home now, and my father is in a residential program to improve his physical stamina.

Is it possible that your parents have the money to pay for a nonrelative to come to the home and help with some of the care taking? 

There is someone coming to help already.

Best to stay off of Facebook pages that your brother accesses and with whomever he friends.  Facebook post are the root of many many disputes.  There is no value in going there.  You can choose to stay away and don't read what he posts.

This is really good advice. I should stop following him.

Are you saying he has physically harmed you in the past? 

Yes, when I have tried to set boundaries he has followed me and physically assaulted me. Nothing that is like hitting or punching, but grabbing me by the wrists and pushing me up against a wall, that kind of thing.

I may not have all the details, but it sounds like your brother made some of his own decisions in regard to your parents and the degree of care taking he is involved in.  It doesn't make you a bad person because you didn't quit living your life to come share in your parents care taking. 

I actually told him repeatedly not to. I didn't think it was healthy. I said they should go to an assisted living facility.

Does he control all access to your parents (phone, emails, texts, mail?)?  Your situation might be a bit unique in regard to boundaries, if you have to go through your brother to communicate with your parents.  Do you think that your brother is providing adequate care for your parents?  Does he get any help from professional services?

Not completely - when he's calm, he facilitates communication, but when he's angry, he does what he can to block it. For example, my father was severely ill in the hospital & it was questionable whether he'd get better. When he did get better, my brother knew about it, and didn't tell me on purpose. My father wasn't well enough to tell me, so I ended up learning from the hospital the next day. It's hurtful.

We are all individuals and have a right to follow our own dreams and careers and to live where we want.  You aren't your brother.  People with BPD or BPD traits can be very critical.  It sounds like your brother is trying to make you feel guilty.  Being a caretaker can be very stressful and your brother is likely feeling resentful of the role he is currently playing.

He does feel resentful, while at the same time refusing to give it up. So I've offered to come get them and move them near me, but he refuses. They have paid his mortgage, for upgrades to his house, for countless things, thousands and thousands of dollars, but he leaves all that out when he is berating me for not moving there. It's not just moving there that he wants, he wants me to move in with him. Basically to take their place now that they have moved to higher level facilities. And when I say no, he goes into a rage that can escalate to physical. And his arguments start to make sense, I start to think I am someone who doesn't value family, etc.

Were other options considered for your parents?  Could they have gone to a care facility?  Could professionals have been hired to do what your brother is doing?   I believe you said that your parents were living with your brother?  So, are they living at your brother's home?  Are their finances rather limited?

They were living there but my mother moved out permanently to a nursing home and my father is questionable at this point whether he will return due to his physical health.

It might be helpful for you to seek some therapy.  A professional can help you work through some of your feelings and confusion.  End-of-life situations with parents can be stressful, even without personality disorders in the mix. 

I think this is a great idea.

Both my parents were hospitalized at the same time.  My uBPD sister and I had to continually do some forward thinking (or forward arguing) about how we would handle care situations and finances as health problems evolved with our parents.  My dad had a fall and broke his neck, my mom was hospitalized with IPF, was septic 3 times, acquired MRSA while hospitalized, then ended up with another antibiotic-resistant superbug while hospitalized.   At one point, my sister wanted us to bring our mother home and care for her.  Realistically, I knew I couldn't handle dealing with my uBPD sister and her episodes of the silent treatment (couldn't work in a shared care taking situation).  I didn't trust that we could competently take the necessary precautions to collectively protect ourselves from MRSA or VRE.  Then, there was the matter of bed sores.  If the professionals weren't able to prevent them, then how were we to manage the situation.

That sounds horribly stressful and like it really needed to be handled in a professional medical setting. What us uBPD? I think once MRSA and VRE are in the picture, it's very hard to have someone at home.

I don't know what all your brother is dealing with in regard to your parents, or what supplemental help he is getting, but he made certain decisions to take on some things.  He may be in far deeper than he ever thought he would be.  He might benefit from some assistance.  I believe there is something called respite care, where others come in and give the caretaker a break.

He uses my parents' money to hire a caregiver, which has been enormously helpful... .he is mainly angry that I am not moving there. It's like he got my parents to fill in this gap inside himself, and when they could no longer do it, he has moved on to me, and then he becomes accusatory and nasty when I don't want to do it, and cuts off facilitating medical and other information about my parents. I can obtain that info from the facilities, but it is hard and somewhat incomplete because they don't know my parents and are guessing on some things. I feel like I'm at his whim because of my parents, and if I don't tolerate the rages, I won't get the info I need about my parents' well being. Plus he starts up when I'm at my worst... .I love the advise on this site though. I can see that I've been defending myself and that it just gets worse when I do that. But it really takes a toll, when someone says you don't value family, that you're cold and harsh, heartless, cruel, etc.

I really appreciate all the advice and listening. Thank you. This is a real low point.

[Panda39]

Hi Progress27,

I wanted to join Naughty Nibblerand welcome you to the BPD Family too   

I'm sorry you have such a hard time with your brother especially when your parents are ill, I know it must be beyond stressful! 

... .he is mainly angry that I am not moving there. It's like he got my parents to fill in this gap inside himself, and when they could no longer do it, he has moved on to me, ... .

This could be very likely because at the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment, your parents are getting older and are ill this fear could be heightened at this point.  So he is reaching out to you... .unfortunately in a dysfuctional BPD way.

According to my SO (significant other) his uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) who had always had some progressing issues had a pretty bad dysregulation around the time of her mother's death that unfortunately led to a crisis at that time and a spiral downward... .because that is after all the ultimate abandonment.

However, just because your brother might have these feelings it is not your responsibility to become his caretaker, rescuer, or to fix this, particularly since he has a history of being abusive.  He is an adult and he can do what he chooses or not and so can you. 

It sounds like he is blowing a lot of FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) your way.  Boundaries are one way to protect yourself.  You already have one in place and that is living in a different part of the country... .a physical boundary.  Naughty Nibbler mentioned another Boundary... .stay off his Social Media. You might start thinking of some other boundaries that make you feel safer and a little bit more in control.  The key with boundaries though is enforcing them and being consistent about enforcing them. 

Like the little kid that wants candy in the grocery store and mom says no (not good for little kid "boundary".  The little kid begins to whine mom says no (reinforces the boundary).  The little kid starts to scream and cry (we've all seen this   ).  What happens if mom gives in and says yes?  That little kid has learned if they scream and yell loud enough mom will give in (boundary caves in).  If mom continues to enforce her boundary and say no the little kid will eventually figure out they are not getting any candy. 

The Tantrum or where your brother starts upping his behaviors is called and “Extinction Burst” here is a link for more on an extinction burst... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

I can see that I've been defending myself and that it just gets worse when I do that. But it really takes a toll, when someone says you don't value family, that you're cold and harsh, heartless, cruel, etc.

Yes, all this negative criticism sucks but it really isn't about you at all, it's really about him and his issues.  Sometimes it can even be him is projecting his feelings about himself on to you.

When you defend yourself (JADE-Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) against his false allegations all you are doing is walking into a never ending circular argument.  You know you care about your family and the people that know and care about you know you care about your family.  Do the opinions of people that buy your brother's BS really matter?  Has JADEing ever changed your brother's mind? It's hard but try and let it go... .I have a very critical mom and when she start's saying her negative stuff I just let it roll off and think to myself... ."this isn't about me or who I am this is about her and her issues"

Yikes my lunch break is over I better get back to work, but hang in there    You've found a really great place for support, ideas, and tools to better navigate the issues surrounding your brother.

Take Care,
Panda39