Anyone Serve a Move-Out Restraining Order?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

What happened? How did it go?  Any advice?

I met with some DV lawyers today pro-bono and they were adamant that for the protection of the kids from my husband's emotional abuse that I serve him with the divorce and a move-out Restraining Order at the same time asap.  I have filled out the paperwork but am scared about whether to go through with it. My fear is that he will retaliate BIG TIME. 

[Eve44]

What happened? How did it go?  Any advice?

I met with some DV lawyers today pro-bono and they were adamant that for the protection of the kids from my husband's emotional abuse that I serve him with the divorce and a move-out Restraining Order at the same time asap.  I have filled out the paperwork but am scared about whether to go through with it. My fear is that he will retaliate BIG TIME. 

[ForeverDad]

Seeking possession of the residence is not unusual in a separation or divorce case that appears it is or will be high conflict.  So don't ever feel guilted over it.  You do what you have to do to protect yourself and your children.

My now-ex counts our separation from thedate the police arrested her for Threat of DV.  Almost predictably the judge ruled her threats, which she admitted to when the recording was played in court, were not "imminent" threats and he cited case law that impacted the written law.  Maybe it was because she was a mother.  (I'm sure I as a man wouldn't have been treated so gently if I had threatened her - "I will kill you!" - as vociferously as she did.)  Maybe it was because it was her first arrest and appearance in court.  Maybe both reasons?

Anyway, during the 4 plus months my temp protection order was in effect I had possession of our home.  She did come with police escort (to ensure there was no incident) to get her personal items but otherwise she had to stay away.  I felt safe.  The silence was thundering.  That was priceless.

Believe us, after things settle down, you'll be glad you asked the court for him to move out.  After all, if the relationship has ended then he'll have to go elsewhere anyway at some point.  you won't regret you will avoid a lot of stress and conflict if he moves out now.  Don't feel bad for making a stand to ensure you have less risks of conflict.  Especially if it helps minimize the risk of threats or even arguments and pressuring.

Don't let him intimidate you.  You have the right not to be interrogated.  You have a right to privacy and confidentiality.  You have the right to ask him to walk away.  You have the right to walk away or shut the door.  Do you have local support other than the DV office?

Finally, understand that you can't avoid all conflict.  Yes, you can do some things to avoid some conflict, but his behaviors are his behaviors, you frankly can't impact that by very much, not without self-sabotaging appeasing and capitulation.  If HE chooses to go ballistic, then that's on him.  Stay close to your DV resources, give the local police a heads up, listen to your lawyer if you have one.

[Eve44]

Thank you foreverdad.  I do need affirmation, I am really struggling with this... .a lot. So I appreciate it.

What happened after the temporary order ran out for you? 

I am in the process of retaining an attorney who is going to work at a reduced rate since it is a DV case. I also have support from some of those in the local community who I have told in addition to the DV folks.

Do I just call the local police station and let them know what is happening?  Should I go in in person maybe? 

Thank you!

[ForeverDad]

She never tried to move back.  Of some help was that she had blacklisted my relatives, some of whom lived nearby.  She was instead focused on custody issues of our preschooler and so that consumed her attentions.

Determine which precinct or station would respond if you called 911 for help.  Try to contact someone who has oversight of the officers to explain your concerns, that you are seeking or already have an RO.  That way if something does happen then the officers won't be uninformed when responding.  For all you know he might stage a scenario and then himself call 911 claiming you're the one being abusive or whatever.

Over the years I've gotten the impression that those who are emergency responders or in the legal system may feel less inclined to "go the extra mile" when they deal with revolving door litigants.  Imagine how hard the officers will try (or not) when they get a call and say, "Here we go again, the Smiths are at it again like clockwork, when will they ever learn... .?"  Therefore if the responders and those in the court system can see that you are trying to extricate yourself and end the dysfunctional relationship, they'll go that extra mile for you.