Letting myself be sad.

[daverisk]

I'm sad right now, and I think I need to let myself be sad... .and mourn a bit even. 
This is my wife's last night at home before she returns to her therapy... .a partial hospital deal.  I'm not mad at her anymore, not right now. Right now I'm sad for her, for our children, and for myself.
I'm sad for her because I have no way of comprehending the depth of her pain... .I really do not understand what she's going through.  The therapy is emotionally hard on her... .and I try to support her... .but I see she's in pain and can't take it away... .and also know that I have added to that pain recently.

I'm sad because my eight-year old daughter this morning said, ":)addy, I'm happy because Mommy loves us again."  I assured her that mommy has always and will always love all of them... .that this is why she is going to the therapy, because she loves her and her brother and sisters.  Then I left the room so she wouldn't see my tears... .and knowing I can't share that story with my wife.

It was so sad watching my four year old daughter this morning wake up... .to watch her walking down the hallway, anxiety on her face... .I could tell she was wondering if Mommy was home... .the joy on her face when she saw mommy in bed... .the joy of mommy and D4 playing together in bed... .and the sadness I experienced because for the next week, when D4 wakes up... .mommy won't be here... .and she won't understand why. Sad, again, for my wife because she really does love the children and knows she's put them through a lot of emotional pain... .knowing there is an enormous hole in her heart when she can't be with them.

 Sad for S11 as he struggles with his studies, he is two years behind his peers academically... .and he told the school psychologist he likes school better than home.  Sadness for D7 as I see her trying to cope with the confusion my wife and I have created in the house... .bottling it up instead.

Sadness for myself because of the entire situation.  Emotionally spent, trying to be strong for my wife... .and for my children... .and for myself.  The person I'm supposed to be able to turn to for emotional comfort is emotionally unavailable... .knowing that if she were to see me cry it would not garner sympathy or empathy but probably disgust.  Not knowing how long that will last... .throughout most of the therapy... .perhaps all of it... .perhaps well beyond.  The breath of hope as she begins to acknowledge some of the past... .coming to terms with it... .Knowing that at the end of all this, she may still decide she doesn't want to be with me... .and knowing if she makes that decision it's really over because I have to protect myself emotionally.

Coming to terms with my own role in all of this has been difficult.  It was easy to blame everything on her... .much harder to admit my own failings in this, my own significant contributions to the state of things... .expressing that to her and not knowing if she really gets it.

I'm frozen in time... .I can't move forward or backward.  I used to call it an emotional roller coaster.  Perhaps emotional elevator is more accurate.  Lots of ups and downs but not much momentum forwards or backwards.  Knowing I can do little to move things forward as I wait on her, knowing I can and have set things back significantly if I make a misstep.  Bearing the full weight of this now because I had to cut off the person I was sharing my emotional distress with because things were going too far... .turning into an emotional affair... .and I began to realize while I was relying on her for emotional support I wasn't able to make a decision to fully commit to trying to fix the relationship with my wife.  Glad I have this place to vent... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[UserZer0]

Couldn't read and not reply.

You made a detailed list of why you are sad.  The only thing I can suggest is now to put the same amount of effort into making a list of reasons to be happy.

- Be happy that she is taking getting help that may eventually lead to more happiness for everyone.  From what I have read online, that's a HUGE step that a lot of other BPD couples don't acheive.
- Be happy that there is still love that exists in your family
- Be happy that you know that your son prefers school to home.  It gives you something to discuss with him to try to make a list of things that can be worked on together as a family.

I can only suggest that you don't put your life on "pause".  Concentrate on the areas that you can effect by yourself.

Focus on reducing the impact on the kids. 
- Keep them busy making things that they can give to their mother while she is away or when she gets home. 
- Keep them up to date on what's going on (details edited for age, etc of course)

Good luck and try to look for the positive (but definately keep venting the negative here as it is a great tool for that).

[daverisk]

See, that's why I like coming here... .no excuses... .not sitting on the pity pot... .and you're right, while I should acknowledge my pain and sadness I need to keep trying to move forward in improving myself and helping my kids.
List of reasons to be happy:
-she's getting therapy
-she's not out with guys
-she's trying to better herself
-she's started being a lot more honest
-I'm here with my kids
-I'm (relatively) healthy for a 52 year old under as much stress as I am
-my kids love me
-my extended family supports me
-I'm devilishly charming and good looking
-my kids all have their health
-I have a good and stable job which I love doing (teacher)
-Czech beer is awesome
-things could be worse.

there, that's a start.