Hey
First post but been reading the forum on a semi-regular basis for about a month, known about it for more months prior that.
Its a long post but you can skip some of the backstory by scrolling past the quote.Backstory
I am a guy in a relationship with a female who is uBPD. I have done research on it for about 5 months. The first 3 months being more about what BPD was while struggling with other personal life stuff. Eventually I learned techniques for communicating etc. I initially bought 4 books, read many things online, reading online communities, read from people who have BPD etc etc.
I am certain as can be for someone who is a non professional but lives with their partner and has to do their best to cope with the BPD traits. I mean like 99.9% sure. The overlaps of anything else is debatable but BPD is frankly a big core part of my life now. We have been together for about 3 years and living together for about a year. She has a particular issue of uncommon disassociation's over the years, with some rare regressions. These vary from extremely quick ones - So quick that I can miss it completely. To longer ones where for example we might be eating dinner at a restaurant and she forgets who I am for 1-10 minutes. (Uncommon event.) She will be triggered by one thing or another that might be innocent enough - Maybe something from the past that sends her mind to that period in her life. The worse scenario I have ever witnessed is when she regressed to maybe being around the age of 8-13 years old. (We chatted about it afterwards and that was what we thought based on what she talked about etc.) That scenario was unique as she did not 'snap out of it' so to speak. It went on for hours, I let her have a nap, due to a reason I was forced to wake her up and she was still in that state. I was able to gently force her out of it as it was highly urgent she did. (Its a long story which would take too long to go into.) Usually I can easily bring her back to attention, although unless there is a good reason I tend to allow her to naturally return - Which would only be a few minutes at most.
Besides those scenarios we have the usual BPD scenarios. I get painted black occasionally... but she nearly always is able to go back to a more stable emotional state within say 5 minutes or upto 72 hours or so. The worse cases would go on for a week maybe... but she would talk to me still in an apparent effort to make things work - Though I was horrible etc, told many bad words and everything was obviously my fault during those times.
I wont go into the history but some of it is pretty bad stuff. At the time I didnt know about BPD but now I do... Unfortunately although I did my best to communicate with her to the best of my ability... It never worked well. Once I found out about BPD and had time to figure it out and apply communication techniques... Things DID improve dramatically with our communication and I felt the relationship improved.
Ok so... She decided to break up with me about 3 weeks ago. For about 3 weeks prior that she was trying to cross one of my boundaries where she think its appropriate to bring up the topic of police, which occurs at times when we might begin having a disagreement. (Or rather she disagrees with me on something.) This first started happening maybe 2-3 months prior that - At a time I barely even knew BPD and certainly had not learned how to communicate. At that time I understandably got upset/distressed/fearful of her and although its hard to say how exactly I communicated I would imagine it was not the best for a BPD person. I did however eventually establish that boundary, (pretty much the first topic I looked into. >.< because I genuinely feel quite worried about it... One could say I felt abused on a daily basis on that topic. However that eventually got understood that I would NOT be ok with that being spoken about and she agreed to it. Directly after that agreement, there was a few times she might say it out of emotional emotional dysregulation but then immediate apologized and walked away from me. Then it stopped completely for say 2-3 months... Until the 3 weeks prior breaking up with me. I understood BPD a bit better at this point and just had to hold my ground essentially... I would just walk away and lock myself away... I would have to do no contact at any time she raised that topic. She argued that everyone was telling her that is was appropriate and I was wrong etc... .To which I presume she is either lying, twisting reality to fit hers... Or maybe her friends are just completely misinformed/biased. Either way I know I am doing nothing that deserves such a response as that and makes me fearful of any interaction with her. It got a bit annoying but now I just leave the house if she does... and then she might apologise in text. During some moments I asked why she thought it was a good idea or something, and she said I was being abusive or 'harassing' her. In my version of events... Idk what abuse she is referring to but that 'harassment' is usually a conversation where she suddenly disagrees with me on something. (And admittedly those were times when I was not being validating/etc yet.) Just for the record... I have never physically hurt her and nor would I. However she has been abused in the past, she HAS been diagnosed with PTSD and has had some sexual abuse when she was younger. She also occasionally likes to have sex rough and told me it was because of the abuse she has... but she also seems to enjoy doing it more 'lovingly' too. Mostly our sex life was nothing that unusual and seemed healthy. That is... For the first 2.5 years... Then it kinda stopped with a rare day when we did. I dont remember the last time we did... Must of been many months... .but sometimes she would be sexual with me... but those times were not possible to have sex. On some occasions (and prior I knew more about BPD) I had to actually ask her to stop when she tried to engage sex with me a few times... .We would of gone weeks with nothing happening and then randomly she would throw herself at me and I felt weird like I was taking advantage if I did proceed... .(Especially because I am aware of her past.) At least I felt awkward and uncomfortable with it and explained to her that I felt tired to stop her. I dont necessarily mind such a movement towards me if we had been having more regular sex but it felt instinctively a bit unusual behavior when it occurred. You could say it didnt feel like it was anything to do with love and more just the action itself.
Anyway, as I said she broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. Right after she agreed again to stop talking about police and she explained to me the reasons I gave her to why it was making me feel uncomfortable. (I didnt ask to be explained those reasons.) However a bit after that she explained she felt very sad and she was never happy with me. That she was faking being happy for 3 years. Which due to the BPD i absolutely believe due to emotional dysregulation that she believed... Though during non-dysregulation I am pretty sure she was happy.
I want to bring something up... During the first 2 years... She brought up the conversation multiple times that she was very happy with me but felt scared she might try to run away. That she would dissociate me. That sometimes she can turn off her emotions or forget people. That she could go cold and not want to be around me. She also explained she was afraid of being abandoned and then... frankly... Lots of idealization stuff towards me. I did notice that the behavior was unusual and I was not a fan of when she idealized me. It was apparent that she would mirror my hobbies but I also think she was smart enough to quickly understand I noticed it... and then focused more on her own hobbies. Though this is a lot of speculation on my part for stuff that happened many years ago. Although I noticed the behaviour... She was also very good at disguising it from me quickly once I brought it up. Besides the fact she did a lot of self harming and suicidal stuff over the years. I even have many written examples of how she explained she was scared she would run away from me due to her 'demons' and stuff inside. That she would do her best to fight back and she wanted to be with me etc etc.
So my uBPD broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. She said she felt sad, that she was never happy, etc etc. The days that followed I tried to reach out to communicate but I would be shut down... She was in a emotional emotional dysregulation. To use every day words she acted VERY angry. I would be treated like I was the devil... Everything I did was horrible and very bad words towards me... I was to blame for -everything- possible. She was blameless and a victim essentially. I have tried to keep low contact, using validation techniques and all the rest. This would be somewhat effective in keeping things calmer but not in her thinking our relationship was finished or how she was never happy.
So, she has a planned holiday with a friend which she is currently on. She left monday night. This was planned long ago and I am ok with her going without me with this friend. Due to this I wanted to reach out to her prior to her leaving. Unfortunately I was in her mind very black and nothing worked. I eventually backed off and did low contact by text... We had occasional words verbally but primarily it was a low contact by text. She would message me but it would take a unusual long time for her to respond... The messaging was very slow... But it was happening. She was adamant that she had made her decision, that she did not think things could be fixed, that there was nothing to talk about. (There was some mild contradiction to this occasionally but 95% of it was very cold, blaming towards me, anger, etc.)
I didnt know exactly when she was leaving, but at a time when I was in my room, (we both have a personal room.) I was wearing my headphones listening to music and apparently she had knocked on my door. She later text she had left and as typical she could not get my attention. Im paraphrasing but I essentially explained I did not see any message asking for us to talk, that I would of wanted to of seen her before she left but I did not know. She told me she had knocked on the door. I replied that I understood she said she had knocked on door... that it was unfortunate we could not say goodbye... That I wanted to say goodbye etc... That I would of need to of been messaged or I would not of known. And that I hoped her journey safe and it sounded exciting.
Then follow up later with some messages. Initially some fun emoticons about the trip, then on topic of how she may be exited but to be safe. Reminded her that people care about her and to avoid unnecessary risks. (I am paraphrasing and spoke differently.) Then again said it sounded like it would be an amazing experience. I also put some stuff in about remembering to come back home safe. For the record I say these things because she can be very reckless and take risks... Like leaning off high edges for example... .Can be quite dangerous. Though obviously I try not sound controlling or parenting. Its because when we first got together I explained to her that I wanted a future with her and she agreed to take less reckless risks so she would... well... be alive to have our future. I agreed I was happy with her being a bit reckless but to not just be unnecessarily reckless because people cared about her. She noticeably did reduce the risks... Though still climbs things ... .and yeh sometimes I join in with that. She is certainly more the dare devil than I am though.
She replied later about the experience of the journey there. I replied essentially validating things... and how it will be great etc... She later replied some images... I replied to that... Then nothing for 24 hours... I left her alone during that time but then asked if she was ok... She said look at her facebook... I explained I could not see anything on her facebook... .she changed some settings so then I could... .Lots of images and stuff on fb... I reply a bit.
Then she says -
"up to your interest i dont care if your not interested in my life x" ... I reply I am definitely interested... I explain I am unsure how much she may want to be left alone on her holiday or not. That it was both reasonable for us to talk and for her to have some space but I was unsure what she wanted... Then I ask
"You have just said you dont care if I take an interest but do you also mean to say you feel I have little interest in your life?"She replies along the lines of - No... I guess im not saying anything... I know you have interest... I am not sure again... mixed signals... but it doesnt matter anymore.
I agree with the fact I take an interest... (Since she then recognized I did.) and that I knew it doesnt matter to her what i did but in what did she mean about feeling mixed signals?
She replies
"nvm, >my name<"... .
...
So I initially ask "why" but then later send an emote she likes and simply ask her how she is feeling. Trying to give her a choice to either answer the more serious question or go into a casual chat again.
So... .- I am very black to her atm. I am trying to gently get her to see the grey areas by asking her questions. Then I got shut down... atm. She is evidently still communicating with me. However I do not know if im just being saved as a backup option. I doubt she is seeing another person... but there is nothing stopping it either. I am willing to be patient and understand it may never reverse That I may always be this horrible person to her. However the deal breaker would be her seeing another person. I will admit... I can be patient for many many months... but if she did see someone else then that would be crossing one of my boundaries. =s Thats a step I am not willing to deal with. However I understand that for her that she currently thinks im the devil essentially and she may want another guy to not feel alone/abandoned/whatever.
So... .Idk... Advice? o_0
I am doing more things for myself. I have began to reconnect to some friends I knew that I havnt spoke to in a long time. I am a bit of a loner in my nature but regardless I have spoken to some people about my relationship and non related topics. I cant deny that a ton of my attention is on her atm though and not knowing what is best.
Maybe no contact? The same contact? More contact? More emotional contact? Less emotional contact? Should I avoid words like 'i miss her' or should I say it. Continue with low contact... Should I maybe be patient and later ask to go for a coffee? Should I act alpha? ... Should I tell her how great I am doing because I am high functioning or tell her I am struggling. Should I remind her she used to talk about the fear she had of abandoning me/being abandoned or avoid that topic like the plague. Should I try being friends while somehow not making it the 'friend zone.' The casual topics might be a thing but would that ever lead anywhere.
Im kinda stuck. She has never made such a decisive decision about breaking up before and would usually see me white again. This time definitely seems different. She has lost the desire to fight - so to speak. Idk exactly what should be done. We also live in the same place... Its awkward... When she returns home I have no idea how she might behave but I presume more of the same.
I am beginning to learn to cope... But its... Difficult. Greatly. The level of patience is... High. She seems very certain that I am bad atm and does not seem to be changing. Its a very sad experience... I remember many conversations about the fears she had that she would do this exact thing. I presume she does not remember any of those conversations because it would contradict her reality. However 'I' remember them. It just adds more salt to the hurting I feel. Any conversation that even comes close to discussing the relationship or at anything emotional about us she evidently pulls away by shutting down a conversation. I have noticed a few slip ups during some verbal conversations that seemed to suggest she was having an argument within herself but then instantly become more aggressive towards me again and how everything is bad. Then theres the fact she obviously tried to say goodbye to me before leaving for holiday but idk what it means for sure.
*Sigh... * You could say I 'appreciate' any advice... but I think I also needed to write it down.
