My boyfriend never lets an argument go

[Maru]

My boyfriend has BPD. He never ever feels that I understand him though I do. He constantly tries to explain where he's coming from and is very repetitive. He is obsessed with making sure I know his intentions are good. Whenever he mentions his feelings I immediately feel annoyed because I've been down this road so many times. I just know that it is going to be a fight, hours of analysis and and then me blowing up and him trying to analyze my blow-up. He is obsessed with getting to the bottom of everything. He is driving me nuts. Then he feels upset that he has upset me and feels worthless and is scared I am going to leave him. This just drives me more nuts. We can drop the topic but then he brings it up again. Even if he did 99 things wrong, he is obsessed with making sure I know and admit that he is right about the one thing I did wrong. Even when I admit it, he keeps on insisting that I don't understand enough. Help!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Maru,



I'm sorry to hear about the struggles in your relationship. That kind of arguing, where one partner insists on minute analysis and making a point, can be very annoying, not to mention exhausting. I've been there.   

You've found a great place for support here. Members have been in similar situations and understand. More good news is that this site has tons of tools and skills you can learn to make situations like this better. I'm thinking specifically of communication tools right now. You can't change your boyfriend's behavior, but you can change your own, and your reactions to it. That can work wonders for your peace of mind.

How long have you been with your boyfriend, Maru? What kinds of issues usually bring on an argument?

Keep posting. It helps to share. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Grey Kitty]

Hello, and welcome here; you have found a community where we do understand what you are going through, and better yet, have tools to help you cope with it.

We've got a lot of great lessons on how to deal with these situations; you can find them in the sidebar area... .One that seems relevant to your situation is this one:

How to stop a circular argument

[FoolsFolly]

I don't have advice because I'm new here and still learning, but I just wanted to say I relate to what you're saying. I could have written this myself, even. I'll be keeping an eye on your replies, and maybe they'll help me out as well. Thank you for sharing.

[isilme]

Hi - yes pwBPD often say no one understands them - guess what?  They do things that are hard to understand, so it's kinda true!  Just usually not in the way that they mean.

A big thing to learn right off the bay - talking to a pwBPD who is dysregulated and emotional in the same way that would work with a person who does NOT have BPD will not work.

You can't use logic or reason to make them understand or believe anything.  They are operating on pure emotion that is often tied to things we cant's easily see.  Emotions are their truth, their now is how things have been and always will be, and you just can't "win" an argument with that.

So you try to validate how they feel, ignore things that can't be addressed, and try to not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain (JADE) as that is more likely to trigger a blow-up. 

You are nominally the more emotionally strong, more stable person.  So sadly, you get to be the one to try to control yourself, because, at this time especially, your BF simply can't.  It helps me to look at my H as emotionally disabled.