new struggles

[WhoMe51]

I have been no contact for a little while.  I don't know the actual number of days.  I'm thinking it's around 2 & 1/2 weeks.  I know that detachment is a process and I know that each person is different.  But today I am struggling to make sense of some things.  One of the things that I am struggling with is, how she would talk about us having sex or doing something when I wasn't able to do those things with her.  Either I was sick or not physically present with her.  But when I was with her, she wouldn't want to do those things that she talked about before.  I just never could understand it.  And when I would bring it up, she would say that's how I felt then.  But not now.  I guess this is just another way she did the push pull thing.  I will be glad when I am a year out and maybe things will look different to me.  LOL 

[happendtome]

Healing takes time. I have read that it usually takes 1-3 years (even without BPD involvement) and sometimes even more. Certainly, healing is needed only for those who have been dumped. That seems a lot of time, but it is well needed. Otherwise we end up doing same mistakes over and over again.

I thought that i was very strong person, mentally, but still i got burned heavily. It happens and it hurts, but thats life.

I know, the thing is that you cant really tell your problems to everyone because people simply get exhausted. They will only say "move on". The fact is that they are right. They may have been right from the start, but we didnt listen them, we ignored, and we still ignore them when they say this "move on". But we must listen them now. Dont give your power over to abuser. Two can play "no contact" game, but you are better this time. You can only reply once your mental health has recovered and then you will answer your typical "yes", "no" etc. Nothing else as they dont belong to your life anymore. You dont need someone who doesnt respect you, who has lied to you. You are better, you lost the battle, but you will win the war.

[vortex of confusion]

I remember those times. Ex and I would talk about doing stuff. It felt great because it built up tension. I would get excited and look forward to whatever it was that we had planned. And then, he would fall asleep, not be available, forget, get sidetracked, or something else. At first, it was pretty easy to dismiss it as "He just got busy." Over time, after having your hopes built up and dashed so many times, it becomes very difficult.

I was reading an article about covert abuse one time and it said that a partner consistently forgetting and not following through is a form of abuse and that is why it tends to cause such confusion. It is a form of rejection. And, it is a form of being rejected and dismissed. It takes a while to wrap your mind around some of this stuff. There were so many things that I have had to unravel. There is no sense to be made of the times when ex and I would talk about doing stuff and then he would not follow through. He would tell me what I wanted to hear and then not follow through. That is abusive. Part of what made it abusive is the fact that HE forgot or didn't follow through and I was the jerk for even wanting it. I wouldn't have wanted it if he hadn't agreed to it and built it up and promised to do it.

It is very much part of the push/pull behavior. And I participated in it. At first, I would try to plan everything to meet his needs and what he was doing. After a while of him pretty much NOT being available after I had gone out of my way to be available, I would start doing the same to him.

The one incident that stands out most was that he had been giving me excuses as to why we couldn't spend time together. The excuse was the kids and money and stuff like that. I went out of my way to plan a stay at home date. I put the kids to bed early. I had him pick up some cheap take out and we had planned to hide in our room and have a stay at home date. Guess what happened? He ate and then fell asleep. He blamed a lot of stuff on me being busy with the kids. I would stay up late to accommodate him. Nope, he would fall asleep. I would ask him to wake me up early in the morning. Nope, he wouldn't wake me up until he was walking out the door.

And he seemed to have this uncanny ability to know when I was busy. That is when he would demand my attention. When I was sitting around doing nothing, he would ignore me. If I wanted/needed him, he was nowhere to be found. If I needed space/privacy, bam, there he was. There were lots of build ups and a whole lot of times of being let down.

It is also confusing because the whole "That is how I felt then." sets up a situation where the other person feels like they have to seize the opportunity when they can otherwise they won't get to do <fill in the blank>. It is a very unhealthy dynamic that causes lots of pain and confusion.