She says I feel lost when I'm with you

[Tj6]

Hey I posted earlier about my situation.

The girl I dated has BPD. We had a fight and I used the word "retarded"... .Ive never used this word prior and its completely out of my character but during a situation/issue it just flew out of my mouth and i feel ever since then she's been emotionally withdrawn.
When she left it was very "push and pull." She was saying she just wanted space and that she wasn't breaking up with me and then within hours later was pushing away (while kissing me).

We had 2 weeks of separation before she messaged me. Her response wasn't really what I wanted to hear. She claimed she was out of love with me and that she wasn't attracted to me, and then later in the evening we ended up cuddling. The next time I saw her, it was a little emotionally withdrawn at first, and then we hit it off, we talked and had great communication and it felt like we were reestablishing. She even pulled me in to kiss me. The next day she was initiating contact and seemed happy about what had happened. I worked evenings and didn't end up seeing her for about 3-4 days. When I saw her I could tell its like she became a bit withdrawn again. She told me that me and her were something and not nothing... .but not dating (whatever that means?). She told me its not that she's not attracted to me, but lesser attraction? and then said she just doesn't know what she wants. She criticized me and said she didn't like the way I kissed. (She's said this before in a time when she felt empty too). But i've never been criticized for the way I kissed. It almost feels like her words are so hurtful that I'm being "punished".

It feels like she's being overly critical of me. Its almost like theres a connection and we feel it, but she denies it. She splits me white, but then splits me back to black. She's accused me of being controlling for the following reasons:

She said that sometimes I talk over her, or talk for her. This doesn't happen often, but sometimes (I have ADD untreated, and sometimes I end up talking over someone unintentionally). And she tells me it should "never happen". And I've apologized and said I didn't mean to make her feel that way. And I truly don't. I understand if it was happening all the time, but these instances are few and far between.

She said that it was controlling when, I tapped her leg with my foot. She has a tendency to share too much information (sometimes I think she may be BPD, with NPD) and during a conversation with a legal worker I tapped her leg with my foot , kinda like if you were to nudge a person to kind of remind them that it might be too much. And this only happened ONCE. From this, I'm perceived as controlling. She said everyone around her can see it, but the people around her barely know me or only hear it when she splits me black. They don't see how good I am to her 87% of the time. (Hey I'm not perfect).

I remember when the relationship was fresh (5-6 months in), and I remember asking why she had to drink after work and why she just couldn't come home. I think I did this like 2-4 times. And then shortly after I went through a hard time with my family... .and then she was messaging people and saying I was controlling. She even told people she rather be single instead of comforting me at a hard time. (and also said she wasn't attracted). Shortly after that our relationship started to spiral out and she began cheating more.

She told me that she doesn't know why she's thinking the way she does. She said she wants to try with me and sees I'm fighting for her but something stops her from wanting to. She said she feels lost after being with me, and she said we were so close and happy, and it mixes with her emotions and she's feeling frustrated.

I'm so confused... .any help on how to go about this? I still love her and I've tried to just play it out and relax with it and approach it kind of from a non pressure, just friends, hanging out sort of way. But when I did that she kissed me... .and when I wanted to know about her and I and what it was it was almost emotionally withdrawn. How should I approach this situation, like I want her to see me in that positive light that sometimes creeps back out.

she mentioned she's in love with being in love... .and most of her relationships usually last only until the honeymoon phase, I'm her longest relationship that she's had.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm so confused... .any help on how to go about this? I still love her and I've tried to just play it out and relax with it and approach it kind of from a non pressure, just friends, hanging out sort of way. But when I did that she kissed me... .and when I wanted to know about her and I and what it was it was almost emotionally withdrawn. How should I approach this situation, like I want her to see me in that positive light that sometimes creeps back out.

You answered your own question here.

When you relax and don't push, she comes to you. When you push for the relationship, she backs away.

People presenting BPD traits can have an intense fear of intimacy. When you try to force being too intimate, she pushes you away based on what you described. So, don't push. Let her lead. Meet her where she's at.

Have you asked yourself why you feel a need to define what the relationship is and where you're at with her?

[Tj6]

When you relax and don't push, she comes to you. When you push for the relationship, she backs away.

People presenting BPD traits can have an intense fear of intimacy. When you try to force being too intimate, she pushes you away based on what you described. So, don't push. Let her lead. Meet her where she's at.

Have you asked yourself why you feel a need to define what the relationship is and where you're at with her?

True, I sometimes feel its hard, especially when I still care very much about her. Knowing that we're both single and knowing that I'm kind of left hanging is unsettling to me. Its the uncertainty that kills. I guess it must be a good thing that she still wants to see me, but she always is a bit hesitant about it. For the most part we have a good time when the conversation is light, but when it starts to involve more intimate things thats when it stops becoming so light.
She says we're something, but not nothing or dating... .I guess it just bugs me because we went from being SO close to feeling pretty distant.
I guess its a good thing that she still wants to see me, and has come around a little bit more as long as we keep it neutral .

I guess I'm going to have to continue it as a neutral relationship if theres any hope of not scaring her away or engulfing her. Its really hard to do and I find that I don't take care of myself enough. I invest so much energy into learning about her and wanting to spend time that sometimes i forget to just enjoy.
Its so hard to just be friends with someone that you love and care about.

[Tj6]

UPDATE:

I tried to keep it cool when I saw her today, but I wasn't giving her so much attention as sometimes I usually would. She was playing around and tickling my foot when I was on the couch and I played black. But kept it pretty friendly. Then something on the tv came on about a breakup and I really didn't want to continue listening to it, so I asked her to change the channel and she's like "not everything is about us" and I knew that, I just didn't care to listen to it. Then I heard her cat meowing at the door, so I got up from the couch we were cuddling on, and its like she took offence and then she wouldn't let me back on the couch and she was in a snippy mood. She had a headache so she wasn't feeling good.
Then I was talking to her cat, and she said what? and I said I wasn't talking to her. She thought I was giving her attitude and I wasn't. It was one of those days where her mood took over. I told her that just because she was sick doesn't mean she can talk to me in those ways. And she said that if I didn't want that, then I shouldn't come over. But she didn't tell me she wasn't feeling good.

It almost feels like we went back to square one. We connected really well last tuesday to the point she pulled me in to kiss me. After a few days of not seeing her, its like it was set back a little, and now today was just an entirely different day and she's not on the same page as she was yesterday. She was interested to know and get help for her BPD yesterday but today she wasn't interested and said she didn't have time to do it... .

[Meili]

I guess I'm going to have to continue it as a neutral relationship if theres any hope of not scaring her away or engulfing her. Its really hard to do and I find that I don't take care of myself enough. I invest so much energy into learning about her and wanting to spend time that sometimes i forget to just enjoy.
Its so hard to just be friends with someone that you love and care about.

I know that it is really hard. I did the same thing. I invested all of my time and energy into those very things. It had the opposite of the desired effect though. It was easy for my ex to see that I was clingy and needy when I was not investing in myself. Those things are highly unattractive, and made her back away from me. When I started to take better care of myself, I became more interesting and attractive. As a bonus, I felt better about my own life.

So, what can you do to focus more on and take better care of yourself?

How did you respond to her when she made the comment that "not everything is about us"?

Of course, I wasn't there, so I admit that my observations may be a bit off here, but from what you wrote, what I see is that she probably felt invalidated by you.

• You're sitting on the couch enjoying each other's time and company.
• Something comes on TV that reminds you of your situation, and you make that known to her.
• You stop cuddling after that because of that cat - possibly
  conveying to her that either her cat was more important than cuddling, or that you were still upset about what was on TV.
• She started to get emotional.
• You talk to the cat - again, possibly showing her that the cat is more important because she's already upset
• You respond, escalating the situation, with your comment about her not having the right to talk to you that way just because she wasn't feeling well.

My bet is that she was feeling fine and was just using the headache as a means to deflect what was actually going on with her. There were several places in your recount of the events where you could have done something differently and possibly changed the outcome.

You could have just gone to bathroom, kitchen, or outside for some air when the thing came on TV about the breakup and never said a word about it.

When she started to show that she was becoming emotional, you could have validated her emotions.

I know that it's really hard to see these things when in the moment. It takes a lot of self-awareness, self-control, and practice. I'm not trying to lecture or say that you did wrong. Freely, I admit that I may be reading more into all of it than was actually there. It may be an opportunity to learn to do things differently in future though and get a different result.