Being set up to fail with little 'tests'

[bpdmom99]

One of the major barriers I have with my BPD15 is that she is constantly pre-judging my reaction, assuming I am mad at her when I am not, etc.  I realize it is a natural defense mechanism for her - particularly since it seems that I am a huge emotional trigger for her.  And I realize this is a common BPD trait.

For example, she wanted to show me some pictures that her and a friend took yesterday.  This was a big step for her to share this with me, and I was particularly careful with my reaction.  However, it seems like so many of these seemingly small scenarios are really little 'tests' in disguise.  Inevitably, no matter what my reaction is - I fail the test.  She is upset (I reacted too little, I didn't react enough, etc) and our small moment that could have been a chance to share something together is gone.

Typically, I let her storm off and cool down.  But the moment is gone.  Until the next 'test' ... .that I will fail.

I understand why this happens - but it is frustrating that there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to change the outcome.  Normally I try to use a lot of validation with her, but it is these smaller scenarios that I find so frustrating.  There doesn't seem to be anything I can do to preempt the inevitable disappointment and anger.

Do you share similar experiences?  Is there anything that you found has helped to lessen these reactions?  Any advice would be much appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi BPDmom99,

I just wanted to say I can identify with this. It's hard

Have you ever acknowledged the testing?

"I feel some anxiety about making a mistake right now. I want to say the right thing and I'm also worried I will disappoint you. Can you help guide me to get me started?"

With S15, I found the only way to cut him off at the pass was to say, "How would you like me to respond?" That worked for a while until he caught on and got irritated that I was making him do some work   S15 had some BPD traits when he was younger and seems to have grown out of that kind of testing.

However, SO's D19 does a version of this with her dad. She is becoming attached to me and has started it with me.

She was here for spring break and wanted to share with me that she got a 99 percent grade on a paper. I didn't give her the right response, and her mask came up and she disappeared to her room and became clingy with her dad and distant toward me.

I haven't had an opportunity to try this, but I'm thinking that next time she seeks praise, I will refer back to that moment and let her know I want so much to respond, and I'm nervous that I will not do it right. Could she help me understand what I can do better when she is looking for my feedback?"

I want her to bear some responsibility for these interactions and don't know how else to do that other than shine some sunlight on them.