decided to end it

[shortyfatguy]

hello people.

so after a lot racking my brain, advice from this forum and talking to some friends and family I've decided to end things with my BPD partner.
the thought has been in the back of my mind for a while now, but due to a recent abusive outburst which ended up in me calling the police and her in a cell over night, I'm calling it a day.

I wanted to stick around and offer her support while she gets help, but due to myself going through CBT for my own anxiety and depression, I have realised that I'm not emotionally or mentally stable enough to do so or that its a good idea.

I've also decided to leave it for a week or so as her younger sister is visiting her over Easter (not alone) as not to add any extra stress for her.

I am posting here as being only 22 and this probably being my only serious relationship, I'am pretty clueless as to how to go about this.
breaking up with someone isn't the issue but i feel like i need some advice as how to go about it with someone with BPD...

[g2outfitter]

I'm sorry you're going through this but you have so much going for you.  You are not attached by marriage or by children.  You are not dependent on her financially and, here is the most important thing... .you are just 22!  The BEST times of your life are about to happen.  You are about to enter your prime and you will start being exposed to all kinds of experiences and people.  Count your blessings that you were given this life lesson at such an early age so you can learn from it and move forward.

You are going to be just fine.  Enjoy your new found freedom and never look back.

[heartandwhole]

Hi shortyfatguy,

I'm sorry that things have broken down in your relationship. It's difficult to end a relationship with someone we care about. When we add BPD into the mix, it can feel even harder, due to the type of bonds that develop between the partners, and the triggering of childhood patterns and a reliving of previous losses. At least that has been my experience.

I think the best thing you can do to start is to pay a lot of attention to YOU, and take good care of yourself. You are in therapy, which is a great step, in my opinion. It really helped me when I was recovering from the breakup.

Besides your therapist, how is your support system? Do you have trusted friends and family whom you can count on during this time? I encourage you to rally as much support around you as you can. We'll be your virtual support posse  but it's important to have personal contact with people who care about you, too.

Are you getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising? It may sound simplistic, but these things will help you get through this.

Keep posting, shorty, and let us know how things are unfolding. We are here for you.

heartandwhole

[shortyfatguy]

hey guys,

i appreciate the replies and the offer of support, i really do!

adding BPD into the mix definitely make its harder, i cant stop feeling bad for her and feeling so guilty about the whole thing as it was my idea to get back together last time (before anything this serious happened)

will be focusing on myself for a while now and continuing my CBT to sort out my own issues.
I do have a small but very close group of friends and also my family i count on, more then i can say for her (why i feel so guilty)
but i will keep posting as you guys are a little more experienced, and i hope i can return the favor in the future!

I have been eating a lot less and sleeping a lot more, which I am working on! but I've got back on my bike and riding ALOT more which is helping a bit...

Once again i appreciate the support, and thanks!

[UnforgivenII]

I think you should let her be. Do not underestimate her. Stay with your friends and take care of your issues. She will take care of herself just like she did before meeting you. Do not think she needs you... .she doesn't.
And if she has violent outbursts (similar to yours?) you are triggering each other and it is better to stay away.

You have your friends. Stay with them, and let her be. It is right in this way.
Good for you to eat less and do more exercise. It is a good idea to take care of yourself and you will feel better for sure. I am doing it myself and I am feeling a lot better.

[shortyfatguy]

i want to let her be, but i just cant help but reply to her and talk to her...
we still haven't met up to talk and end things as her sister is still around till Tuesday and she asked me to leave until then... not fair on her sister.
I'm sure she can, but i cant stop feeling guilty...

mine only come when i have ALOT to drink because i know better (still not a valid excuse i know) and only happened twice.
hers will happen whenever she gets triggered by something... but agree, probably triggering each other.

I'm trying to keep as busy as possible right now and avoid contact as much as a can.

[UnforgivenII]

Avoiding contact is the only solution.

[UnforgivenII]

Talk to your friends instead.

[bunny4523]

i want to let her be, but i just cant help but reply to her and talk to her...

Be prepared for her to switch gears once she realizes you want to leave.  She will probably act like she doesn't want you.  From what I experienced that is the best time to leave... .when they feel they are in control and rejecting you. 

As much as it drove me nuts to let him say bad things about me and present this false story of who I was and what I did.  Challenging it or throwing it back in his face would have made things worse.  He needed to believe it was all me and I let him.

There is a story on this site about ending a relationship with BPD that is very helpful.  I read it after my breakup and was just lucky that I instinctually handled it the best way I could have.

I'm really glad that you have decided to get out - your stronger than you realize.  Many stay stuck and can't move past it.  Keep working on you and reminding yourself you deserve better.  You are young and will find an amazing partner one day.

Bunny

[shortyfatguy]

Yeah she's being really nice and apologetic right now and I'm not looking forward to it switching. But if that's what it takes for her to be okay with it then fine...
when we got back together after our last break up, I got all the blame even tho it was her actions that caused it so I half know what to expect :/

Would you know where to find this story? I would like to read it!
I'm sorry to hear it ended that way for you!

I hope so, all I have are doubts right now but I'm sure it will get better.

Thanks you bunny

[heartandwhole]

There is a story on this site about ending a relationship with BPD that is very helpful.  I read it after my breakup and was just lucky that I instinctually handled it the best way I could have.

Do you mean this, Bunny?

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

[bunny4523]

yes heart and whole that is a good one!
I also googled alot of articles online that were helpful on how to leave a partner with BPD. 

The main parts I remember is they tell you to leave but then get angry when you actually do.  Have a second party around to keep them on good behavior.  Take everything so they don't hold anything hostage to control you.  When my ex felt like I was rejecting him, he got angry and mean.  When he "rejected" me then he was like high on himself, cocky and smiley.  So it was safer for me to let him think he rejected me.   My ex brought me hair ties and screws that he found on the floor months after our break up in some attempt to return "my things" ... .I don't know if it was to show me what a great guy he was or a way to hold on. 

Just be prepared, read up on it, it will help.