In desperate need of help for the sake of my kids - PLEASE

[48bbj]

Hello everyone:

My wife has severe BPD and generalized anxiety disorder, and from everything I've read, it's an extreme case. After 10 years of marriage and 2 kids I have gotten good at helping her survive, but she still cannot function on her own, and lacks family support. She dropped out of college and has never worked, or taken care of the kids, even before recent health problems which have exacerbated the situation. She is not the person I fell in love with, but I'm still very attached, and I feel guilty for some bad things I did in the past which have contributed to her downward slide, and I've really wanted to help her rebuild. With neither of us having any family support, she depends on me for everything in every way, and I can't abandon her. I also had my own codependency issues with her which led me to stay through all of this, but I've worked through them and now I'm ready to do the right thing, because the situation is absolutely insane.

My kids are growing up in an environment where she is exploding and attacking me several times per week; my son, who is 2 1/2, is watching her hit me (although she doesn't cause injury or really hurt me), scream at me, smash things, and threaten suicide. Fortunately, she has never attacked the kids. I have missed so much work that I could lose my job soon. I can't just leave, because she is unable to care for the children on her own. I am happy to take them with me but if I do that, I don't know what she will do. When we get close to divorce she demands full custody and threatens to tell the court untrue things about me, threatens to destroy my career, etc. But if I just take the kids away, she will feel there's nothing left to lose, and she could try to kill me.

I believe I am protected legally against most of her threats: I was smart enough to save many audio recordings of her hitting me, and my son screaming for her to stop... .her threats to kill me or frame me for using child pornography have also been captured on audio. If the situation really blows up I would be protected from a legal standpoint, I think.

I still want to save her from herself. She could end up committing suicide, or being institutionalized, or crossing a line and ending up in jail.

What do I do? Last night she left, claiming to have checked into a psych hold, which is possible but unlikely. More likely she will come back with a vengeance tomorrow morning. I have to go to work, my son goes to daycare and my baby daughter will be with the babysitter, but I'm seriously freaking out.

I know what most of you will say: call 911 or something. I'm not sure the police would be of much help if they show up, and then there would be consequences after they leave. She would tell the cops that I was abusing her and the kids, and the police would probably default to protecting them, and it would take time for me to prove it's not true... .which means the kids would be left with someone who really can't take care of them. And I view 911 as a last resort, if she does anything more than just hit me (which she can't really hurt me doing). I could lose my job if I don't show up, I'm the sole provider. I'm really stuck and I don't know what to do. Which means most likely, I will do what I always do, which is take my beating, apologize for everything, placate her, and then find a way to clean up all the other crises after she has calmed down.

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME! Is there any way out that doesn't involve law enforcement, child protective services, and dueling restraining orders? There is still good inside of her, she is just very, very sick. What do I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi friend

Welcome and hello.

Is your wife diagnosed with BPD? If so, it sounds like she is not willing to get treatment?

Being codependent certainly complicates things, especially when there are kids present.

Does your wife respond to validation? Do you notice any patterns in terms of what sets her off?

Being domestically abused is awful  I'm so sorry you are being hurt like this. Have you considered doing a discrete info gathering consultation with a lawyer so you can evaluate your options when you aren't in the heat of emotion? It doesn't mean you plan to leave, and you don't have to retain the lawyer, but it could come in really handy if you end up being falsely accused if it came down to that.

Having information can help calm some of the anxiety. Being anxious tends to make problem solving harder.

Meanwhile, there are lots of people here who can help you work through some of the really tough situations. Do you feel comfortable describing a typical scenario? Maybe we can walk with you through things and offer some tips to help prevent things from getting worse.

LnL

[Tattered Heart]

Protecting yourself and your family is the most important thing to do. Your situation sounds very serious. I agree with livednlearned. The allegations your spouse threatens could have extreme consequences for you. What would happen if she found the evidence you've collected? What if she destroys it? Consulting a lawyer would probably be the best and finding somewhere safe to store that information for your protection too.

Safety though is my biggest concern for you. If you are being physically abused and if she is threatening to hurt herself. Here is a link to our Safety First guidelines. You should begin to set a plan in place in the event you are being physically threatened.

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm

[48bbj]

Thanks everyone for your messages of support and advice. I was really freaked out that night, but I've been getting some help and am preparing for a divorce. The situation spun wildly out of control (this time she lied to me about being diagnosed with breast cancer, in order to manipulate me) and then reset back into "normal", so I'm trying to take this period of calm to do what's right for me and my kids. Thanks again, I will keep you all updated, and maybe someday I'll be in a position where I can help others in these situations.

To answer your question: no she hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, only generalized anxiety and depression. I have accepted that she suffers from BPD at a minimum due to her matching all the symptoms (10/10), but sometimes I wonder if it's something worse. She sees a therapist sometimes in order to get help with what she believes is emotional abuse from me, in the form of passive aggression. She has rationalized everything she has done, including violence and the very extreme threats I mentioned, as a way to protect herself from my emotional abuse. But she won't let me leave - the previous times we have come close to divorce, she has threatened suicide, come down with grave illness, feigned car accidents, and called 911 claiming that our house was being broken into. This time it was the cancer diagnosis, which turned out to be a lie.

Anyway... .it's complicated, but thanks to some therapy and my own progress confronting my codependency issue, I'm ready to go.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry for the abuse you have suffered, and watching the kids absorb it can be so traumatizing, for them and for you

What does preparing for divorce look like for you?

It's ok to have a foot in both doors, if only because the same skills that help in the relationship can be important during the separation, to prevent things from going off the rails. She will be prone to dysregulation (fear of abandonment involving you and the kids) and understanding how her mental illness is affected by separation stress can help keep you and the kids safe.

We're here for you, whatever you decide.

These are tough relationships. It's good to have support.