Dysregulation and Games (actual games, cards, video games, etc... )

[isilme]

So, every now and then H will get fixated on playing a game.  Sometimes it's a video game, and that's fine, as I can read, clean, work on crafts/projects, even nap, while he is playing a game.  It only gets to be a problem when he gets mad at it, and it carries over to everything else in life.  At least this time he no longer gets into text/shouting matches with remote players (all that often.  It used to be every day).  Losing to a human player is invalidating I guess, and losing to an AI is invalidating, too. 

Other times he will "need" to play a game that involves other people in RL.  Sometimes it's one he invites the guys over to play (ok, a table top RPG, trying not to get too nerdy but it's important to know the kinds of games), others it's a competitive "nerd" card game you can play with 2 or more players. 

Since he is the one who "runs" the RPG, it takes a lot of time and planning, and his inability to settle on decisions often makes that problematic.  He often ends up "winging it" due his poor executive control and lack of ability to plan ahead very well, and lack of ability to make decisions (do I have the dragon attack or to I let them fall into a hole into another realm, that kind of stuff).  When he gets a burr up his butt about wanting to play, but can't because HE has not sent invites, done to planning and prep, he start moaning about not having friends.  He complains about how he has to go "buy" friends.  He excuses his lack of prep work by saying "no one comes anyway" (not true - I clean for a houseful of guys each time he offers for them to play). 

To avoid this, he channels his energy into a card game, MTG for those who know nerd stuff.  You build decks of cards that then can battle each other.  You can play one on one mutiplaer, or in teams, and other weird variations have been created since the game was designed.  Overall, I enjoy it a couple of games of it here and there.  But if I win "too much" it devolves, like last night, into yelling, telling me I play cheat cards but at the same time not to "let him win".  We usually play with another couple, and I like to visit with the wife while the guys make their decisions on their turns, but she and work together and H really, really seems to hate me talking about work with a friend.  I'm not sure which one triggers him more - that I have a friend, or that we work together and I have aspects of my life that are not about him?  He really, hates it when I have a work friend and we dare talk about the tasks we shared to get them off our chests and share with our husbands.  It's happened with other jobs.  I knew in the pat it was because he felt left out of the conversation, but he works with some of the same "clients" at his job, and I listen to him talk about his day - but mine does not matter.  I guess this will need its own post, but it realtes to the game ebcause he claims we spend hours of game time slowing things down (we don't, I keep track) talking about work, and how he's superior for not talking about work (he does).  He really went off on it, had to mention it about 5 times last night.

Anyway, the wife gets almost as emotional about losing as he does (we joke a little that he and she are the same and her H and I are the same - it means temperament, mostly, and it's kinda true), and while feeling pretty poorly, but also wanting to be distracted from an upcoming surgery she was having, they came over, and after 2 games she got tired, and little moody, and wanted to relax on our couch while another person took her place.  We continued playing, but H got upset after they all left, saying she "stole" their chance to win against me and her, that she was being unsportsmanlike, and all manner of how I was terrible game player because I allowed my partner to leave the table, and how I take too long to take our turns - a whole lot of word vomit.  Much of it is him projecting his actions at the table onto me, but yuck.  Yes, she gets cranky at losing.  So does he.  I get so frustrated that he can't see that her actions that bother him are EXACTLY the same as what he does - he bemoans how sad the poor husband must be to have a wife who gets mad if he wins 

Last night, because we did not play this weekend (the W was recovering from having a large mass removed from her abdomen) I offered to play.  We'd gone for a walk, and while I did not necessarily want to play, worried he'd get mad and start yelling, we got through one game fine.  Then he got mad at the second, because he does not pay attention and instead starts freaking out because he lost the first game.  He won the second, and I thought we were done, and then I saw he was setting up because he needed that all important 2-out-of-3, and the movie we were watching was still running, so I figured it was easier to just play one more then quit.  It got worse, I decided to simply throw the game but not make it obvious, and discarded a bunch of stuff when he wasn't looking so I could say I had no good cards to play, and he won.  It did not help, he still yelled, and was pissy while getting ready for bed, but I did not want to deal with winning a game I really enjoy playing but have little emotional investment in winning.  And I know he can't fathom my feelings about not having an investment in winning, because it's all he cares about. 

I needed to type this partly because it made last night yucky, and partly to ask if games make other pwBPD dysregulate - I can't tell you how many games have caused arguments - PC games, shared online games, multiplayer shared screens - I rarely play anything with him at all anymore (rarely play anything, period) because I just don't have the energy, emotional strength, or time for it.  I get so tired of having a man sometimes in the house, and an angry man-toddler others. 

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[isilme]

Annnnd now, Easter plans he was resigned to have changed, and he is upset over them.  We were supposed to stay in our town and have Easter at his sisters, and his parents were going to travel up for a day-trip.  Now, because his brother wants to spend his weekend in the parents' area (not with them but his in laws), 8 of us are traveling down, instead of 2 traveling up.  H hates his parents' house, the drama between his sister and his mom, and is messaging me essentially trying to demand that I "make" his mother clean up her hoarding house and cook a meal instead of sitting on the couch surrounded by papers and ordering pizza. 

He's gone back to his "make so-and-so" do whatever he is wanting, lately.  I told him I was fine telling them that we simply cannot make it, and leaving it at that.  we've both been ill, he is having issues that I can't easily get him to an MD to see (finally got an appointment, but it's a couple of months out, and it's just to get a referral), and I know all of this is affecting his moods, along with some memories being triggered about some workplace abuse from a few years back.  It's all a mess.  He is going downhill right now, it is making me tired.  I don't want fights all week, darn it.  I just want to work, get some exercise, clean a little, do some yard work, and clean out our "storeroom" slowly.  I hate feeling like I just want him to stay in a cave out of my way when he's like this and come out when his mood is better, so I can get things done.

[Tattered Heart]

My H loses himself in online games when he runs out of other things to immerse himself in. I hate it when he gets into them because they either make him hyper aggressive or grouchy. He will spend hours playing. Like yesterday, I gave him a very small list of things to do that would take about 10 min. When I get home the house is a bigger mess than it was before. He was playing a game and spent the whole day doing it.

I'm torn with games. I like it when he plays because he leaves me alone and I get to do whatever I want instead of having to entertain him. But on the other hand, he is more likely to dysregulate when he gets out of the game.

[isilme]

Yeah - I like that usually a game can keep him occupied and some are low emotional content and so he does not get angry.  I don't give him lists of things to do - I gave up on that years back.  If it's going to be done, I do it, and I do it in my time. 

Then, he will play a shooter-type game online with people from all over the world, and depending on how things go in game, he gets angry.

Another thing:  when I am out of the room, he is quiet about his anger at the game.  The minute he realizes I am in earshot, he starts yelling at it, the players, me, whatever.  It's like I need to be there for his anger to be released. 

[nomotime]

My upwBPD's addiction was computer games. She would completely zone out when playing.  Nothing was getting in and nothing was getting done.  Luckily she seems to have moved past that since the LO was born, I'm relieved to say. 

Playing ANY type of game with her is a guaranteed trigger unless I systematically lose and never look like I'm winning at any point. 

Of course she's fine in public, if we play pool for example... .or even a board game with friends.  I've never understood how that works :/